Bo Knows, What Exactly?

I want to congratulate wisconsin's mvp, the refs.(especially anthony jordan).Vandy had no answer for you

— Jay Cutler (@JayCutler6) March 18, 2012

It's that time of the year again when I dedicate one post to Wisconsin men's basketball. Over the years I've come to enjoy their brand of basketball, much in the same way that others enjoy glaring at the mangled wreckage of a car accident or clicking on that YouTube video of a bear collapsing from a tree to a trampoline after taking a tranquilizer dart to the neck. I just can't look away. If every other year is any indication, this season is going to end badly, to the point where I'll feel embarrassed for even caring. Twenty percent shooting from the field, 48 total points, 15-point loss, nothing is off limits for the Badgers when it comes to losing an important game in spectacularly bad fashion. To use an NBA analogy, picture your team as a perennial 4 or 5 seed in the Eastern Conference. They finish every season with about 50 wins, either win in the first round of the playoffs (or put up a good fight losing), and then get smashed by a superior team in the second round. Every year. The consistency, lack of down years, consecutive playoff appearances is great, but your team is never a contender. This is the dilemma Badger fans, some of us anyway, struggle with every year; is it better to be a consistently good team or trade in some of those good years for down years if it means occasionally fielding a great team?

The tweet above, courtesy of former Vanderbilt quarterback Jay Cutler, was more entertaining than anything that happened in Wisconsin's 60-57 victory over Vanderbilt in the round of 32. 'Boring' is the most popular adjective used to describe the Badgers and only the most defensive of fans would disagree. Which is why Cutler's tweet struck so many people as funny. Why Cutler, who even called a ref out by name, or anybody else would even care about a Wisconsin-Vanderbilt game is beyond the neutral observer. So what, they're playing to lose to Syracuse? This matters why? It matters because Wisconsin and Vanderbilt are two schools who can never reasonably expect to advance further than the Sweet 16. This was the national championship for both schools, and Cutler reacted accordingly.

     

Every year around tournament time another writer wants to schoomze up to Bo Ryan. They write about how he doesn't get the national recognition he deserves, his team's sparkling home record, and how quietly, he's one of the winningest coaches in college basketball. Ryan isn't mentioned with the Izzos, the Krzyzewskis, the Williams, and the Boeheims because he has had nowhere near the tournament success they have. In Ryan's 11 years with Wisconsin he has taken his team to the NCAA tournament every year. Remarkable when considering the history, or lack thereof, of this program. Five Round of 32 appearances, four Sweet 16s, one first round loss, and only one Elite 8. No Final Fours. Back to the same old question: does at least one guaranteed tournament win every year outweigh the fact Wisconsin is never able to make a deep tournament run? Some concede Wisconsin will never be a basketball powerhouse and are happy this program is having any success at all. Others aren't satisfied with being a great regular season team and a mediocre tournament team. And really, both sides can present convincing arguments. It does seem like cruel a joke, however, that Dick Bennett, Ryan's predecessor, coached for five up-and-down years, culminating in a Final Four appearance in 2000, his last full season on the bench.

So Wisconsin and Syracuse play tonight. Fab Melo is out. I have never seen Fab Melo play, but I don't underestimate what a loss to a key player can do to a team psychologically, even if said team is littered with talented players, as is the case with Syracuse. Wisconsin lost Brian Butch to an elbow injury before the 2007 tournament and completely unraveled. That team had Final Four talent and probably should have lost to 15-seed Texas A&M - Corpus Christi before succumbing to UNLV. Syracuse plays a 2-3 Zone and Wisconsin has five players on the floor at any given time that can shoot the three respectably. All five shooters are either hot or cold at the same time. Intrigue. We all know how difficult it is to rebound out of a zone and Syracuse certainly had their troubles against Kansas State. Should Wisconsin track down some offensive rebounds, they'll be able to drain even more time off the clock and limit Syracuse's possessions. Those will be the two keys to the game: Syracuse's rebounding and Wisconsin's three point-shooting. On paper, this looks like the best possible matchup and timing Wisconsin could have asked for to face a No. 1 seed. Davidson in 2008 and Butler last year looked like pretty favorable Sweet 16 matchups too. *runs head first into a brick wall*    

I'm the Badger fan on the side of the fence that expects them to do more. Part of this, I admit, is because I was not around during the dark years. I'd probably feel different if I'd watched them miss the tournament for 45! straight years. I don't particularly like college basketball and especially don't like 34-second possessions, but familiarity did not breed contempt in my case. Winning basketball games if more fun than Wisconsin's style of play and that is something I think all Badger fans have come to accept. There is a certain beauty to watching Bo Ryan's teams though. Five players playing without a set position, all five getting the most out of their abilities, taking care of the ball, rotating on defense perfectly, frustrating the hell out of more talented opposition, etc. The 'fun' things about this team are the fundamental aspects of the game that most fans either aren't aware of or pay no attention to. You'd convince yourself of the previous sentence too if Wisconsin was your alma mater.

While the swing offense is ideally suited to a 30-game regular season, it tends to be a hindrance in tournament play. The swing offense is built around milking the clock for about 30 seconds before finding an open shot. Sometimes there will be an open shot and sometimes Jordan Taylor will be one-on-one jacking up a fadeaway three. In the swing offense the only bad possession is a missed shot that doesn't take time off the clock. It is a system predicated on making less mistakes than your opponent (not turning the ball over, shooting a high percentage from the free throw line). The problem is, in a win-or-go-home tournament, there is no room for an off shooting night. An off shooting night gets a team sent home and it is almost impossible to put together six straight good shooting nights while running the swing offense. Maybe three or four, but not six. When that off night comes in the third or fourth game, Wisconsin is up against an opponent they can not afford to waste possessions against -- and wasting possessions is a big key to their success.

I can't look away. My fault and nobody else's.

These Are Our Heroes

The Bears promote Mike Tice to offensive coordinator. 

Jay Cutler likens a successful offense to driving a car. A REAL one, not one of those hybrid pussy-repellents.

Mike Tice cannot think of a more apt comparison, and plans to incorporate this knowledge into his pregame "Light a Fire Under Their Asses" talks.

Caleb Hanie fell asleep in Driver's Ed classroom because he just wanted to drive, man. And when is he ever going to use this stuff in the real world anyway?

Mike Martz enjoys a white wine spritzer. He's working on that screenplay he's put off for far too long.

Lovie Smith locks himself in the office in preparation for next season. Then he discovers Xvideos. Nice little website they have there. He dials home, "I'm going to be in late tonight, honey! Don't wait up!"

The Packers are still the best team in football.

Ballin' Like Jordan

JAY CUTLER and AARON RODGERS walk the streets of downtown Green Bay. CUTLER wears sunglasses despite it being 6:30 at night and a black hoodie over his head. RODGERS wears a black ski mask as to appear inconspicuous. After much good-natured debate, the two finally settle on Angelina Restaurant, a fine Italian eatery. They take their seats in the back, isolated from the other patrons. Their host flips CUTLER the bird as he returns to the front desk. CUTLER does not notice.


RODGERS: Friend, it is an honor to have you here with me in this beautiful city to enjoy a bountiful meal.

CUTLER: 25 bucks for the veal?!?! You're paying, right?

RODGERS: Of course. What kind of host would I be? Besides, I've always wanted to thank you for the way you've taken my brother Jordan under your wing. You wouldn't know it, but he was pretty scared to go out to Vanderbilt. His heart was in California.

CUTLER: It was nothing, really. Good kid. Can't quarterback for SHIT, but not everyone is meant to succeed at Vanderbilt. In fact, NO ONE is meant to succeed at Vanderbilt. He caught Florida at a good time. He caught Tennessee at a good time -- AND STILL LOST.

RODGERS: I've also been concerned with his performance of late. Believe me, I've watched the tape. Cincinnati is sure to pose a serious threat. I worry about his preparation. I worry about his focus.

CUTLER: "Preparation." "Focus." What do those words even mean? That's a bunch of coachspeak. You don't need to worry about those things.

RODGERS: I AM worried. I haven't spoken to him in months. I phoned him just a week ago and someone picked up and didn't say anything. All I heard was fart noises and hip-hop playing in the background.

CUTLER: Sounds like a fucking blast. Too bad I was cooped up in that shitty Denver hotel.

RODGERS: Has he reached out to you? It's driving me crazy. When did it become a burden to give his big brother a call back?

CUTLER: This is a busy time of the year for him. He's probably studying for final exams. And by 'studying for final exams,' I mean hitting the books. And by 'hitting the books' I mean stroking the intellect. And by 'stroking the intellect' I mean having sex with 18-year-old coeds.

RODGERS: GAAAA. My suspicions have been confirmed. I realize college is a time for fun and experimentation, but this is his FUTURE we're talking about. I've typed his name into Google Images and have discovered some absolutely repugnant photographs.

CUTLER: Let's see 'em.

RODGERS: Here is the first one I came across:

    

CUTLER: [Laughing obnoxiously] That's JUST a Halloween costume.

RODGERS: What kind of self-respecting, heterosexual man dresses up as a cheerleader for Halloween?

CUTLER: The kind who is trying to get a little novelty pussy. That's who.

RODGERS: What about this one:

CUTLER: [Suddenly very stern] Photoshopped.

RODGERS: Oh, thank God. This one was almost too much to bear.

CUTLER: No, I mean the Shake Weight is photoshopped. There was something else ENTIRELY in his hands.

RODGERS: OH Dear Me! I....I can't. All of this monkey business ENDS NOW.

CUTLER: Give him a break, friend. I know this is hard for you to believe, but some of us quarterbacks are perfectly capable of living happy and productive lives without mercilessly dissecting a defense. We're flawed. We laugh at our shortcomings. We get by the best we can.

RODGERS: Jordan is not your average run-of-the-mill quarterback. He has it in him to be GREAT. I know it.  

CUTLER: Far be it from me to judge your kid brother. I've only worked out with him. What do I know?

RODGERS: I have a plan. A TOP SECRET PLAN. Can you keep a secret?

CUTLER: Why all the secrets? Just last week Tim Tebow told me.....

RODGERS: Told you what?

CUTLER: Nothing.

RODGERS: Anyway, I've devised a plan to ensure that Jordan gets his head on straight. He's going to be visiting me in Green Bay for Christmas. I'm going to sneak him into the locker room hours before game time. We look enough alike. He'll dress in my jersey and pads and play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers this  Sunday night. Christmas Day. Bears-Packers. Best rivalry in football.

CUTLER: That sounds like a fantastic idea.

RODGERS: What better way to inoculate him into the pro game than against Julius Peppers with no right tackle and the number one seed in the NFC on the line?

CUTLER: I've played three years in Chicago without a right tackle. It's not easy.

CUTLER: We also have Luc McNabb or whatever his name is starting, so Jordan should have no problem winning the game.

RODGERS: EXACTLY. I want him to play poorly and still win. I want to show him the embarrassment that comes with your team winning despite you. Hopefully this will be the necessary first step in getting him to take his position and the game of football seriously.

CUTLER: I see no holes in this plan whatsoever, even if I do think you're being a bit harsh on him. Now tell me, where are the hot spots in Green Bay? I'M DYING TO WHIP MY DICK OUT.

RODGERS: You're at one of them.

CUTLER: This veal IS delicious.

I Wanna Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil, On Sugar Hill

Sam Hurd illustrates the comfort of a drug pusher whose livelihood is not dependent upon pushing drugs.

One of my favorite hip-hop songs is "Sugar Hill" by AZ. The protagonist of the song, presumably AZ himself, is a small-time drug dealer dreaming of a better life -- from being surrounded by ladies "of all races with dime faces" to living in a villa in Costa Rica. The symbolism is clear. While the "Sugar Hill" is an imaginary utopia where AZ can experience the finer things in life, it is literally a mountain of cocaine. Chilling on "Sugar Hill" is living the good life as a result of illegal activity. This attitude is usually deemed contemptible by most people, but public opinion sometimes shifts after considering the circumstances. In this song, AZ describes drug dealing as a means to an end rather than an end in itself -- hardly a unique sentiment. His involvement in the drug game was out of necessity, feeling he had no other option to realize his lofty and mostly superficial dreams. His goal is to make money and get the hell out. Even the staunchest opponents of drugs and drug pushing can sympathize with the idea of a down-and-out young man -- no matter how misguided -- doing something dangerous and illegal to try and reverse his luck.

Which is why the news of Sam Hurd's arrest is so damn fascinating/surprising. Sam Hurd lives comfortably in Lake Forest with his wife and daughter. Sam Hurd just signed a three year contract for up to 5 million dollars to play mostly special teams and contribute jack shit on offense. Sam Hurd attends parties sponsored by Grey Goose. I think everyone's initial reactions was: WHY? YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING RICH. Speculation for his motives were ranging; greed, selfishness, and stupidity seemed to be the most popular. Maybe Hurd wasn't content with a measly NFL salary. Maybe he wanted to be more than a piddling NFL special teams player. Maybe he was stupid enough to think he wouldn't get caught even after a tipster linked an acquaintance of his to a cocaine negotiation in Dallas this summer. I'd venture to guess his motives were complicated and cannot be boiled down to a singular explanation. We will probably never know. All we know is that Hurd does not fit the archetypal drug-dealing character that AZ and many others have created.

So think of this as the last story to complete the implosion of the 2011 Chicago Bears. First Cutler's thumb, then Forte's MCL, and now Sam Hurd's Pusha T impression. Nice and quick and detonated by Tim Tebow, I guess. This story isn't over, of course. Should any of the reported "double digit" number of NFL players who purchased drugs from Hurd turn out to be Chicago Bears -- well -- the team is fucked. Lovie will be fired, players will be suspended, and Hurd will occupy a jail cell regardless. Wasn't it only a month ago it seemed like if an unheralded ragamuffin team were to upset the infallible Aaron Rodgers in the second round of the playoffs, the Bears would sneak into the Super Bowl? That feeling seems like ages ago, even in marijuana minutes.

Sugar Hill. Shiny and towering and powerful from afar. Nice to chill on top of for a while. Its weak foundation is easily concealed by its beauty. I have to believe Sam Hurd knew all of this. I'm still wondering why he built it.            

Tebow Confides In Cutler

TIM TEBOW and JAY CUTLER meet in the tunnel to exchange pleasantries. CUTLER is sullen and dejected. He is trying to think of a loophole in his contract which will allow him to stay home for the games he is not playing in. Who is this Tim Tebow? He has to know. Why do his Denver teammates believe in such an inferior talent? CUTLER aims to find out.


TEBOW: Jay!!!! All praise be unto God!!!


CUTLER: God works in mysterious ways and what he giveth he taketh away and all that. Hell of a performance, kid. You played like shit for a sixth consecutive game and still managed to win. I play good and I'm STILL the reason we lose.


TEBOW: Enough with the BULLSHIT, Jay.


CUTLER: Huh?


TEBOW: You're the only NFL quarterback I can entrust with my secret. I've always admired you from afar -- the way you give absolutely ZERO FUCKS in everything you do. This picture says it all. This is my favorite picture. I've never seen a better picture. I printed out this picture at home, blew it up at Kinko's and it is now framed, sitting on my desk. Creepy, I know.

    


TEBOW: Your absolute contempt for everything and everyone around you -- it's so -- human. You carry yourself the way I've always wanted to. But I am not allowed to.

CUTLER: I don't follow.

TEBOW: Don't you see? My whole life is a facade. I'm nothing more than an image -- a figure manufactured for public consumption. I'm not really a virgin.

CUTLER: Well, OBVIOUSLY.

TEBOW: I don't even believe in God.

CUTLER: Whoa.

TEBOW: That anti-abortion commercial? All lies. That wasn't even my real mother. I was created in a laboratory, unaware to this day of where my DNA came from.

CUTLER: Wait a minute, now just HOLD ON. That wasn't your real mother?

TEBOW: Sadly, no.

CUTLER: Do you have her number?

TEBOW: I'm trying to tell you that my image and my entire being were conceived from the start. The NFL needed a handsome and polarizing figure. A WHITE one. Twenty years ago they studied religious trends in America and realized less and less people were identifying as 'Religious' each year. By 2011 they knew a segment of the population would be absolutely disgusted by the idea of a visibly successful athlete crediting all of his success to the supernatural. Especially when he didn't deserve that success to begin with.

They also knew another segment of the population would still be deeply entrenched in their religious beliefs. They would start to feel like the minority and the fools for continuing to believe in something the general population was shifting away from. They needed a reason to believe. And what better way than to give them a shitty NFL quarterback whose team continued to pull off improbable overtime victories?

CUTLER: But why? WHY?

TEBOW: The ratings, Jay. It isn't enough to suck and still win in the NFL nowadays. There has to be something controversial about you, and not controversial in the "he killed some pitbulls" sense. Almost everyone agrees drowning and electrocuting dogs is deplorable. Not everyone agrees on expressing your religious beliefs so openly. Thanks to myself, there are people watching and discussing the NFL that didn't give two shits about football three years ago.

CUTLER: So you're saying you were made from the start to be an NFL quarterback. I get that. But how are you still winning all these games? You've said yourself religion is just a front.

TEBOW: My games are fixed. All of them. First game against Miami, overtime win. Second game, a blowout at the hands of the Lions. My time looked to be over -- now we're unleashing the fury on everyone. My mediocre team is must see television. You're going to watch every fourth quarter I play in, regardless of the score.

CUTLER: How are you fixing the games? I caught no wind of this.

TEBOW: Sure, you caught no wind of this. Marion Barber was in on it, and a couple of your teammates too. The refs also knew. Like I said, the NFL is smart, they've been planning this for years. When Barber ran out of bounds it was one of the stupidest NFL plays imaginable. That is a play that seems fishy. But not with Barber. The NFL made sure he played like a dumb fuck in Dallas too so something like this was not beyond the realm of possibility. It also didn't hurt the NFL slipped him a cool 15 million under the table.

CUTLER: 15 MILLION?!?! I would have gotten out there and threw the fucking game for THAT.

TEBOW: Of course you would have, and so would many of your colleagues. Comparatively, NFL athletes are not paid much. They need the money and the post-career health insurance.

CUTLER: This is all so depressing.

TEBOW: All the more reason why I admire you. You aren't about to risk permanent injury for this game. Laugh at those who scream "PUSSY" loudest and storm the tower with sharpened pickaxes.

CUTLER: [thinking to himself] Am I dreaming? This guy is so fucking weird. We've been talking a long time. Way too long for a simple post-game handshake. Did I leave the oven on?

TEBOW: Hey Jay, would you like to do some coke?

CUTLER: Coke?!?!

TEBOW: Yeah!! I do a couple lines before every game AND a couple more at halftime. It certainly makes the interviews more bearable.

CUTLER: Uh....I think I'm good.

[Men with cameras descend. TEBOW notices]

TEBOW: God Bless, Jay! Best of luck with your treatment and the rest of the season! [whispering now] And remember, don't tell a soul what we discussed!

TEBOW exits into the locker room, leaving a stunned CUTLER to fend off the reporters. 

JERK-OFF REPORTER NO. 1: What did you and Tebow have to say to each other?

CUTLER: I uh.....I wished him luck for the rest of the season. I just told him....I just told him to keep doing what he's doing. I guess. I think I'm going to give it a go next week. Standing on the sidelines is really messing with me.

JERK-OFF REPORTER NO. 2: Jay, how much of this game do you think can be chalked up to divine intervention?       

A Special Christmas Gift

CALEB HANIE is seated in a dimly lit room. He is dejected, head buried in his hands and runs his fingers through his hair. JAY CUTLER overlooks him and rummages behind a mini refrigerator. The room smells like a mixture of gasoline and cleaning solvent. Both men are keenly aware of this, though neither seems to mind. CUTLER finds what he is looking for -- a bottle of Old Grand-Dad, 114 Barrel Proof. CUTLER produces two whiskey tumblers with ice. He pours the drinks.


CUTLER: Here, drink this.


HANIE: I really shouldn't.


CUTLER: DRINK.


HANIE: If you say so.


CUTLER: It will help you deal with that prick Shane Day.


HANIE: [Finishes glass, Cutler fills him up] I hate that prick. Did you know he wasn't even a quarterback in college. He was a fucking wide receiver. How is he qualified to be a quarterbacks coach?

CUTLER: I did know that. Believe me -- I do my homework. I remind the weasel of his past everyday. I also put Super Glue on the temple covers of his glasses.

HANIE: I feel like I cost us the game.

CUTLER: You did cost us the game. But it's OK. The important thing is to never admit you cost your team the game. Talk about how Oakland is a hostile environment and you can't help but feel dragged down by the protests and year-long Halloween parties. Talk about how you and your receivers are not yet on the same page. Mention how Johnny Knox seems to be playing on a fucking Slip-N-Slide every week. It's not hard, Caleb. It really isn't think. Think of what they want you to say and then say the opposite. Or rely on the one-word response. Whichever.

HANIE: I've placed so much pressure on myself. I just....

CUTLER: I understand. Your family, your beautiful wife, were in attendance. You embarrassed them. They were too afraid to even show up in Bears gear. You dad wanted desperately to cheer when we got back within 5 and he couldn't. He knew you weren't driving the team down the field to win the game.

HANIE: [tears forming] I just wanted to prove....to prove to everyone I could play quarterback in this league. My whole life....I've waited....for this moment. And I couldn't come through.

CUTLER: You can't be so hard on yourself. You'll never succeed in this league with that kind of mentality. Putting all this pressure on yourself -- it's leads to some crazy things. Do you want multiple neck surgeries? Do you want to knock up two women concurrently? Take a look in the mirror. This is where your life is heading.

HANIE: [sobbing loudly now] I've always been....I've always been taught....that winning....winning is everything. You should....you should always do your best....but sometimes your best is not good enough. And then....then it's OK to hate yourself.

CUTLER: CHRIST ALMIGHTY! It's a football game. I emphasize the "game" part for a reason. Play them. Not just on the field, but off. Blame Martz. He didn't put you in position to succeed. End of the second quarter, 2nd and 1 on Oakland's 7-yard line, and what does the asshole do? He calls a misdirection pass across the field. That was one of the STUPIDEST FUCKING THINGS I've seen in my life. Pound the rock, goddamnit....

HANIE: But if I would have made a better throw....

CUTLER: Bullshit! That's the type of play where you call timeout and tell Martz to "Fuck Off." I'm serious. If he pulls that shit next week, I expect you to call timeout and tell him to "Fuck Off." Make sure to tell Shane Day to fuck off too, for good measure.

HANIE: What about when I overshot Forte by a good 10 yards?

CUTLER: [fills Hanie's glass back up] It was you FIRST CAREER START. These things happen. Remember your first fuck? We've all fucked a kneecap for a couple minutes before realizing....

HANIE: I just want it to get better. I want my teammates to look me in the eye and say....

CUTLER: You NEVER want your teammates looking you in the eye -- for any reason. Take my word. Let them do their jobs and yours if need be. Our defense is fucking maniacal. You were giving Oakland plenty of good starting field and the D was just clamping the fuck down. That's what they do. They like the challenge. They're used to having to win games by themselves. Let them do it. If an alcoholic wants a drink, the best thing you can do is give him one.

HANIE: So you're saying....what are you saying?

CUTLER: I'm saying that you don't have to live within your means. Look -- you're never going to have my talent. The throws I make look easy -- you can't make those throws. But that shouldn't stop you from trying. You have people you can blame and other people to bail you out when you fuck up. Use them. Play each game like it's your last. This will be your only chance to ever start in the NFL. Don't let your inhibitions hold you back. 'Let It Fly' -- this is my motto, and a damn good one to live by.

HANIE puts his face down to the table. He remains silent, struggling between CUTLER's advice, and his own, which demands perfection and accountability. He's torn. He feels like vomiting and even dry heaves multiple times. CUTLER notices and feels now is a better time than ever.


CUTLER: Hey Caleb -- I know you've had a really rough go of it lately. So -- well -- I wanted to get you a little something. Just to let you know I'm in your corner.


HANIE: [taken aback] A gift? You didn't have to do that.


CUTLER: I know, but it's Christmas time, and well, here.


CUTLER hands HANIE a greeting card, sealed in a navy blue envelope. HANIE pulls out the card and three Trojan Large condoms.


CUTLER: Ahh, shit. Those weren't supposed to be in there.


HANIE hands CUTLER the condoms and takes the card out of the envelope. On the front is a picture of a smiling Jay Cutler with the heading, 'Who Treats his Back-Up Well?' The inside says, '#CuttyDoesIt.' Suddenly the card begins to play music. The tune is one HANIE recognizes but cannot place. This is the jingle.

HANIE: [Begins to recognize where he has heard this music before] Whaaa.......Whaaa........You didn't?!?!

CUTLER: [laughing] Let's head out to the parking lot.

HANIE: [screams and jumps into CUTLER's arms] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I FEEL LIKE I'M ON OPRAH!!!!!!!!

CUTLER: That's right, baby! Jay Cutty's coming back Christmas Day to beat those Green Bay faggots. MERRY MOTHER FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS.

Caleb Hanie drives home in his new Lexus with a beaming smile on his face. He leaves the bow on top. He jams to America's greatest hits and thinks to himself, 'Cutty will win us a Super Bowl one day!'

Inside The Mind Of Kyle Orton

Sunday, November 20th. 8:21 PM. Kyle Orton watches the ESPN ticker. Jay Cutler suffers broken thumb, likely out for 6-8 weeks. Two days later, Orton calls his agent David Dunn.

ORTON: Double-Deez, have you seen the ESPN ticker?

DUNN: Of course I have. I get all the up to date information because I am a real agent.

ORTON: I think I can cut it as the Chicago Bears quarterback. Round Two, baby. I need you you to convince the Broncos to waive me.

DUNN: I thought you were talking about the Sandusky news. Hey-O [slaps self on the head]. Wake up Dunnster. Well geez, Kyle it's not that easy. Back-up quarterbacks superior to the the starter are at a premium in today's market. I'll give them a call, but I think they're going to want to hang on to ya.

[Two minutes and 13 seconds later]

DUNN: You have been waived by the Denver Broncos.

Wednesday, November 23rd. 6:04 PM. Kyle Orton hears the Chiefs have placed a waiver claim on him. He takes a much needed second to himself to reflect on his life.

Well, it looks like it's going to be Kansas City. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. I shouldn't complain though. It's a job. People are having a rough time finding those, I'm told. I like that Jamaaaaal Charles kid. LOL. How many A's does it take these days? The kid has some talent. Nice speed, shifty runner, and nice head of hair. He keeps those braids nice and clean. I'd buy life insurance from him. I wouldn't buy life insurance from Chris Johnson. Oh shit, I just realized Jamaaaaaaal is out for the year. He was on my fantasy team. Totally fucked up my season. John Fox made it even worse when he benched me. I should have listened to Chris Johnson when he told me never to draft yourself in fantasy football. 'One day you're going to get paid,' he said. 'Then there are going to be some days you just don't give a fuck. Like, you'd rather do anything than play football. Fly fishing, white water rafting, you name it.' I don't even think Chris knows what fly fishing is. He just threw it out there to make the point he would rather take part in an unfamiliar activity than go to work that day. I like the kid though, crazy gold teeth. Hehe. I'm going to be him for Halloween next year but I won't paint myself black because I could get in a lot of trouble. Good guy, that Chris. Hopefully Tennessee will release him and he can get back to caring about football.

Kansas City is supposed to have good BBQ -- huge plus. I can put up with the drowsiest of cities as long as I have the right food. Like, none of this McRib bullshit they have in Denver. What's that thing even made of? Does anyone know? Does anyone want to? Life's quandaries, I tell ya. I stumbled upon an article about Kansas City a few years ago -- I think it was a most desirable places to live or something -- and I was surprised to find out Kansas City isn't in the state of Kansas -- huge plus. Imagine ol' Ort out in the Bible-thumpin' state of Kansas. Some of those places wouldn't take too kindly to a man who knows how to enjoy a good drink on a Sunday morning. I'd get thrown in one of their two-bit jails the minute I stepped foot into the saloon. I seem to remember an old Western --what the hell was the name of it? Something or other and it took place in Kansas. All the guys drank and dressed like they got by on $1.25 a week and they probably did. Some scruffy mother fuckers too. Well I'll be damned! For once the NECKBEARD will fit right in. No more anonymous gift boxes filled with razors, no more 'Well you better buy me drinks all night,' no more 'Use TWO condoms,' and no more '1968 called....' jokes. 

People are always asking me about Tim Tebow. Tebow this -- Jesus Christ that -- Tebowing -- and TeBLOWing. Everyone seems to assume I hate the little prick. Not true. Timmy loves the cameras. He loves Jesus Christ. He loves answering questions about his religion, and he loves gently forcing his religious beliefs upon those living in impoverished areas of the world. He hasn't really fucked with me, so I don't have a problem with him. People always say, 'Well Kyle, he did take your job. Isn't that kind of fucking with you?' HELL NO. I'm still getting paid, aren't I? He's playing like a fucking idiot, isn't he? Eventually the Broncos are going to realize they made a mistake and put me back in. Heh heh heh. I just thought about what I just thought about. They're NEVER going to realize it.

I've had some good and some bad times in my career. Chicago, despite all of my wins, was not the greatest time. I wish those pictures never hit the net. Now everyone thinks I have no standards. That I'll shack up with the first pair of tits that pop out during Thirsty Thursday. They think I can't dance and I drink alone. I don't even like the taste of whiskey. It's rotten and deceptive. It doesn't love me like I thought. No one loves me like I thought. Except Brady. That's right, Brady Quinn. I can say without hesitation, we are bros. I'll never forget the day he came to Denver. He was trying to make nice with me, and I think -- quite possibly -- trying to ruin my chances of winning the starting quarterback job. He invited me to a party being held by a friend of a friend of a friend's dad. You know those frat-types. Everyone knows someone who knows someone.

So I get to the party and it's taking place on a deck. This is not an ordinary deck, as seen in Indiana. This is a fucking huge two-story deck. The place was already packed with people, mostly shirtless guys and scantily-clad females. I'm a shy person by nature, which has its advantages, but doesn't afford me the luxury of meeting many beautiful women. I took this as a great opportunity to stand near the keg and hold the front of my hand out -- waiting for a girl's ass to brush against it if they passed by me too close. I'm delighted to say this maneuver worked two times before the third girl slapped me. I admit to being a little too forward with the third girl -- I used the palm of my hand this time and offered a playful squeeze. My face stung and I high-tailed it out of there down to the first floor, worrying the entire time my NECKBEARD would make me easily recognizable into the night. 

Brady was on the first floor playing beer pong with three girls. I'd been drinking Jack all car ride and was pretty drunk when I showed up. Brady saw me first, 'Hey, Ort-MAN. You're on my team. MY TEAM. THE FUCKIN BRONCOS AND WE'RE GONNA SLAY THE SHIT OUT OF THESE TWO GIRLS!!!' It took me a second to realize he was referring to the game of beer pong. By that time, I had already decided my inappropriate squeezing of the girl's buttocks was Brady's fault. He'd invited me to the party and my brain processes determined this was justification enough to blame him for the incident upstairs. So I said, 'What is that shit you're drinking in those cups? I bet that shit is Bud Light.' He just kinda stared at me and didn't say anything. He was trying to be my bro and I was hostile. 'You want to play a real game of beer pong? Fill the fucking cups with Jack. I have a handle right here.' I pulled out the handle from underneath my shirt and one of the girls seemed to be impressed with that. I think she thought I magically summoned it. So I gave her ass a playful squeeze, realizing it was OK this time, and saddled up next to Brady.

'Let's just play with Bud Light, bro,' Brady said. 'We're gonna get way too fucked up with the Jack.' 

'Getting too fucked up off the Jack is how we do it here in Denver. Are you not man enough to play in Denver?'

I realized that night questioning Brady's manhood was a surefire way to get him to do anything. I filled our cups all the way up with the Jack and the girl's cups with the piss. Brady and I were on the same team, but we taunted each other as if we were competing. He would miss a shot and I'd tell him he had a small penis. I'd miss a shot and he'd tell me I was a lame. The girls were dominating and we both became frustrated missing shot after shot. Then I said something I shouldn't have.

'You're missing cups from a few feet away. How the hell do you plan on completing a pass to a receiver?'

This pushed him over the edge. I also learned that night very little was off limits with Brady. He was generally good-natured except if you questioned his on-field performance. He was very sensitive when it came to his inability to play quarterback at the professional level. Some of the guys in the locker room would compare him to Jimmy Clausen. This hurt him deeply.

'THAT'S IT,' Brady screamed. He told me later he contemplated flipping the table but thought better of it. 'YOU VERSUS ME. THROW-OFF."

I had no idea what a throw-off was. Brady enlisted a couple of his bros to bring the tables into the yard. They counted off and placed the tables 25 yards apart. Brady and I and close to one hundred bros met in the middle of the tables. Brady explained we'd be throwing the ping-pong balls 25 yards now. This was supposed to prove who the better NFL quarterback was. As I said, I was already drunk, and welcomed the challenge. There was no light in the yard, however, which proved to be a problem. 

We threw the ping-pong balls up and into the dark night. Playing quarterback for the Broncos was not all too different from our throw-off. Neither of us could hit anything, but we bonded over our lack of success. The last thing I remember from that night was taking off my shirt and offering body shots. I woke up the next morning still shirtless and face-down on the lawn with my pants around my ankles. I drove home drunk from the night before and laughed it off. I hadn't experienced a night like that since college. I owed it all to Brady. So when people ask me about being replaced as a starter, it's not so much I'm disappointed about being replaced. I just wish it were by Brady. He deserves the promotion.

Sunday, November 27th. 7:48 PM.   

Mom never trusts me. She made the goddamn cranberry sauce out of the can for Thanksgiving again. I hate the fucking cranberry sauce out of the can. 'But it's so affordable,' she says. 'Mom,' I tell her. 'I'm rich. If you're worried about money, I can pay for the dinner. I'd gladly pay for the dinner if it means you're making homemade cranberry sauce.' She doesn't think I'm rich. She thinks if you don't start in the NFL you don't get paid. She doesn't even believe I've been claimed by the Chiefs. She's referred me to the Wanted ads at least three times today. I'm sick of this shit. I just want to enjoy a homemade meal, watch a little football, and fall asleep. Why is that so much to ask?

Orton is crunched in between James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley. This following a first down run for no gain and a throw to the sideline as his receiver breaks in on second down. Todd Haley is irate on the sideline.

HALEY: What the fuck is numb nuts thinking about out there, Thanksgiving dinner?                 

#CuttyDoesIt: A Non-Comprehensive List

Up close look at the thumb in question.

Sunday night was supposed to be a time of relaxation. A time to enjoy the Bears victory and laugh at the plight of the Eagles. The Eagles won in spectacularly boring fashion, the real interruption, however, was the news of Cutler's broken thumb. The reactions were swift and ranging. Everything from "The season is over," to "Their remaining schedule is pretty soft, the Bears should be able to survive and make the playoffs." The Bears this season, especially during the current five game winning streak, have looked more in-sync on offense than they have since the first half of 2006, and before that --what -- the mid-1990s? Cutler, now surrounded by a competent offensive line and a rejuvenated defense, appears worthy of the hype surrounding his acquisition three years ago. Fans who didn't see him play in Denver were probably wondering how and why that hype originated.

Cutler's on-field exploits -- extending plays with his legs, the accurate, zip-line throws into tight windows, and propensity to throw on the run -- seemed to be a matter of "if" rather than "when." He justifiably lacked confidence in his offensive line. He forced throws when he knew he wouldn't be afforded enough time to throw down the field again for the remainder of the drive. His body language was bad. Too much was made of this, particularly in connection to buzzwords like "leadership ability" that are more literary crutch than beneficial discussion point. There was and is something to body language, though. Cutler approached every game as if he was preparing for a 10-hour warehouse shift. This applied to all phases, on the field, at the podium, etc. Playing football wasn't about fun or winning. It was some shit he had to do to survive.

Soldier Field erupted when Cutler took the ball over the pile for a one-yard score in the second quarter. The Bears would not relinquish the lead for the rest of the game. It's plays like these Bears fans love because they can say, "Look how tough he is." When news came out Cutler finished the game with a broken thumb, I could envision the prideful smug-faced Bears fans everywhere. When a slew of players, NFL fans and writers (all OUTSIDERS oooh oooh), criticized Cutler for not returning to last year's NFC Championship game, almost all Bears fan -- even those who didn't like Cutler -- rallied defensively around him. He was like the younger brother they could slap, push down the stairs, and tackle in the mud, but the minute someone else did it, they're dead. Basically, we don't need someone outside our family telling us how to be an older sibling, or how to raise kids, whichever. He's leaving us now, for  6-8 weeks, and it's created a void in our sporting lives.

The team has won the last two years and Bears fans have an excuse to permeate the "Us Against the World" mentality with Cutler front and center. Spawned from this new relationship is a funnier, more entertaining and relateable Jay Cutler. He's actually interacting with fans on Twitter and joking about giving Philip Rivers a call. He can tell his offensive coordinator to "Fuck Off," and everyone laughs it off. He's embraced the #CuttyDoesIt hashtag and is using it to promote his foundation. I love #CuttyDoesIt because it's all-encompassing. What can't Cutty do? He can do the mundane, the supernatural, the sexual conquistador -- whatever you want. And the best part is he embraces this fluidity. Two years ago he would have shrugged it off.

* * *

Make a list of your own. Here's mine:


Shaves with Ginsu knives. #CuttyDoesIt

Pierces ears, nose, and lip with a blue push-pin. Critics point to the fact push-pin was sterilized beforehand. #CuttyDoesIt

Orders a $3.99 meal from Denny's. Tips 60 cents in nickels and dimes. #CuttyDoesIt

Contacts four different electronic stores in regards to a 60 inch flat screen HDTV. Decides on the one with the most affordable price. #CuttyDoesIt

Has taken to yelling "Go Long!" at the drunken holiday parties. The guests get a kick out of it. #CuttyDoesIt

Notices a beehive has begun to form underneath the gutter. Runs to the store, purchases a can of Raid and sprays the hive for the next three days. Removes nest on the third day with no problem. #CuttyDoesIt

Enters a burning building. Mother screams, "My baby! My baby! Not my baby!" Jets up to the second floor, grabs baby, and throws perfect spiral out the window to Earl Bennett, standing nearby. #CuttyDoesIt

Publicly roots for Vandy, but wouldn't mind seeing Kentucky take the SEC East every year. #CuttyDoesIt

Ponders aloud in the doctor's office the difficulty of jerking off with a thumb cast. #CuttyDoesIt

Throws off back foot to distinguish himself from Aaron Rodgers. #CuttyDoesIt

I have never seen this woman in my life before, officer. #CuttyDoesIt

Publicly denies to the intrusive, no-fun-whatsoever beat reporters his knowledge of the term "cutty" as slang for a "sex act."  Privately knew all along. #CuttyDoesIt

Cutler Finally Picks Up The Phone

JAY CUTLER emerges from his bathroom wearing nothing but an opened bathrobe. The bathrobe -- pink, fuzzy, and clearly fraying is embroidered with #CuttyDoesIt on the ass. Water drips from Cutler's hair on to the carpet but he doesn't seem to notice. En route to the fridge he stops for a second and stares at the telephone. Next to the telephone is a torn off piece of notebook paper with a phone number written on it. Cutler stares at the telephone dismissively, as if the telephone picked him off four times in a game. After much hesitation he picks up the phone and dials the number on the piece of paper.


[Phone rings three times. A woman answers]


WOMAN: Hello. Rivers residence.

CUTLER: The time has come Philip. Do you know who this is?

WOMAN: This is Philip's wife, Tiffany. May I ask who's calling?

CUTLER: Oh, couldn't tell the difference. Umm, this is Jay -- Jay [five second pause] Jay Smith. From work.

TIFFANY: One second, Jay. I'll get him for you.

[Tiffany yells upstairs to Philip that he has a phone call. Rivers plays with his two boys, while his four girls are locked in another room. He is in the middle of explaining how to properly throw a football. He is visibly perturbed. "My kids are retards," he mumbles under his breath. He instructs his boys to practice "The Bible" while he takes this phone call]


RIVERS: Who is it, honey?

TIFFANY: It's a man who calls himself Jay Smith. He says he works with you.

RIVERS: Fuck. I think that's the QB Coach, I better take this. [Tiffany scurries out of the room and up the stairs]

RIVERS: Hello, this is Philip.

CUTLER: Hey there, cockboy.

RIVERS: Now what did I tell you about that dog gone nickname. I didn't intend to stare at Tolbert's dick. It was right there in front of me. I couldn't look anywhere else.

CUTLER: Jesus, you're more pathetic than I remember. Let me give you a little hint as to who this is. 4-1: your record against me. I know you keep track of those meaningless stats.

RIVERS: Well by golly, this isn't Jay Smith at all. This is Jay Cutler, the hot-doggin SUMAVABITCH I've had to answer questions about all week.

CUTLER: Very good, limp dick. Although I probably shouldn't call you that anymore. You have like 17 kids now.

RIVERS: Just had my sixth thank you very much. A beautiful and healthy baby boy. He just made one month. He's ree-tarded. I've tried teaching him to throw a football and he just doesn't get it.

CUTLER: All kids are retarded. They're like women -- and beat reporters -- and football fans.

RIVERS: I've had just about enough of your foul mouth. All these years later and you haven't grown up one bit. I'm a family man and a devout Catholic. I play for a DOG GONE ball club that's lost four in a row. I have better things to do than trade dick jokes with you.

CUTLER: Philip, and I will call you Philip from now on -- dick jokes were not the purpose of my phone call. I have grown up and matured since our little run-ins. I want to make things right. I didn't have to call you this afternoon, but I DID. I care and I want to turn our relationship around. I've been meaning to for a while but I couldn't work up the courage. I knew how little you thought of me. Remember when we met in Denver? You said if I'd write to you you would write back. See, I'm just like you in a way. I never knew my father neither, he always used to cheat on my mom and beat her.

RIVERS: WHAT THE???.......MY FATHER WOULD NEVER.....AHH it appears I've been taken. Here I am, thinking you're trying to mend fences and you're quotin' Satan's music. Well the sun don't shine on the same dog's tail all the time, buddy. Know that.

CUTLER: You strike me as more of a Lynyrd Skynyrd kind of guy.

RIVERS: I'm hanging up now....

CUTLER: WAIT! Philip, I'm sorry. Behind my rough exterior is a sensitive, caring man. I've been battered and bruised on the football field. My reality star girlfriend and I are still putzing around the issue of our relationship. I'm a football player and a FUCKING LEADER. It's true, I've been putting on airs. But it's the only way I know how. Do you have any idea what it's like playing with a shitty team your whole life?

RIVERS: I do Jay, I do. I'm in the middle of that right now. In fact, some would argue I've always played for shitty teams -- just with good records and gaudy numbers.

CUTLER: We're not that different, Philip. The media tries to paint us as a couple of assholes. We ARE a couple of assholes, but there's more to us than that. I know the kind of good work you do, talking to the kids, saving them from getting some pussy and all. And I run my diabetes foundation. We're good guys, but no one ever wants to talk about those things. They just see a couple of guys with bad body language and peculiar facial expressions. That's all we are to them.

RIVERS: You know as well as I do that we're both used to being the biggest asshole on the field. Now it's just human nature or some shit that you never want to give that title up. When you used to grab your crotch and wave off the officials I became jealous. I felt my scowls and sideline tantrums paled in comparison to your performance. Me lashing out at you was a way to cover up the thoughts of inadequacy I was feeling.

CUTLER: It's getting too real right now, bro. I'm glad we've had this talk. But let me make one thing clear: when Sunday comes and it's time for the coin toss, I hate your FUCKING guts. I want nothing to do with you. We're going to go on like we still despise each other.

RIVERS: No doubt. It's good for business. The dumb ass fans need to feel like we still hate each other.

CUTLER: As long as we're being honest, I slipped this video into film study this week:




CUTLER: Virginity is the greatest gift you can give your wife and vice versa? [laughs] I bet you've never had good sex in your life. I bet you've never ventured away from the missionary position --

RIVERS: Enough. Nobody talks about my wife and family like that. I WILL be the bigger asshole on Sunday you can bet on that. I've never been more motivated.

CUTLER: Jay Cutty can do no wrong! I'm winning games. I'm all of a sudden the charming asshole. I'm interacting with fans on Twitter and giving handy J's to my parody account. My popularity is at an all-time high! Charges fans are ready to run your ass out of town. It's a good time to be Jay Cutty.

[Rivers hangs up. He asks his wife if she would consider spicing their relationship up -- maybe some edible panties or party masks. She refuses. "Just for that, no sex for a month." Rivers picks up a Sears catalog, sandwiches it between the playbook and heads down to the basement]


[Cutler drops his robe and exposes himself to the neighbor's daughter. He calls up Greg Olsen and gets his voicemail. He leaves a message, "You're not going to believe who I just talked to. Call me back when you get this. Urgent."] 

For The Next Eight Hours...

[Setting: Airplane flight to London. Chicago Bears players take their seats and settle in. CHRIS HARRIS watches Big Momma's House 2 and engages his Twitter followers in lengthy discussions involving but not limited to institutional racism, ancient Chinese farming techniques, and lemon meringue pie. TIM JENNINGS holds in his hand a Just Wright movie poster. He has photoshopped his face on to Common's body. DEVIN HESTER watches a YouTube compilation of his record-setting TD returns. MATT FORTE quietly listens to his iPod, while LANCE BRIGGS begs him to share one of the buds. JULIUS PEPPERS has had enough of this shit and just wants to hit someone. ROBBIE GOULD and ADAM PODLESH take turns reading chapters of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers. BRIAN URLACHER reaches into his carry-on bag and pulls out a container of Edge Advanced shaving cream and a cheap razor. He asks a stewardess where he can find a damn mirror around here. JAY CUTLER reclines his seat and still manages to slump over. He looks like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world right now.


JAY CUTLER: I'm so excited for this trip, guys. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now.

CHRIS HARRIS: Me too! I've never been to Europe before.

DEVIN HESTER: Europe? I thought we were going to London.

MATT FORTE: [slaps hat off of Hester's head] You deserve one of those everyday for the rest of your life.

LANCE BRIGGS: [Laughs uncontrollably] Good one, Matt. Good one. We -- uh, you got him.

ADAM PODLESH: I don't know about you guys, but I'm really looking forward to seeing the Churchill War Rooms. I'm a bit of a history buff, and that Winston Churchill, oh boy, could he rally the troops.

BRIAN URLACHER: [pointing at PODLESH] Who the fuck is this guy?

ROBBIE GOULD: That's Adam Podlesh, captain. He's our punter. We use him quite often.

BRIAN URLACHER: What happened to the old, bald guy? Brett. I liked him.

ROBBIE GOULD: Brad Maynard. His name was BRAD. You played with him for the last ten years. Jesus.

BRIAN URLACHER: [looking at PODLESH] This dome aint' gonna shave itself, rook.

TIM JENNINGS: [still staring at photoshopped picture of himself and Queen Latifah] Do you guys ever feel like all your hopes and dreams are just out of reach? Like, you just picked off a pass right, and you're running for the end zone, and it keeps getting farther and farther away. You keep running and you're getting nowhere. That's how I feel. I just want to be loved.

JAY CUTLER: Enough with the soft shit. I have some of the finest English trim lined up for us as soon as we step off this plane. You know what they call them across the pond? Birds, that's what they call them. Although I'm not sure if it's as derogatory of a term as whore. Bird sounds kind of nice when you think about it.

DEVIN HESTER: What's the Londish word for "whore?" Miss me with this talk of birds.

JULIUS PEPPERS: [slaps Hester across the face] Listen fuck boy, I better not see you running backwards once in this game. I know some real English goons who've snatched semi-famous rapper's chains and lit garbage cans on fire. They damn sure will have no qualms disposing of you.

JAY CUTLER: We're getting away from the real issue here, which is what to do with all these whores. By my count, I have 16 of them and they're not the best-looking. They're English 10s, which is like an American 5. What I'm saying is, my women, like my interceptions, come in threes. So there's 13 between the 9 of you. Cock slap, sword fight, pussy pinch, whatever you gotta do to get your fill.

LANCE BRIGGS: It's OK, me and Matt can share one, can't we, Matt?

MATT FORTE: [glares at BRIGGS and says nothing]

CHRIS HARRIS: I'm happily married, thank you. But I'd be more than happy to argue about the artistic merits of the Wellington Arch.

ADAM PODLESH: Ooooh, now we're cooking.

MATT FORTE: You guys bore me, I'm going to get up, nut punch the pilot, and fly this plane. I do everything else around here.

LANCE BRIGGS: You sure do. I sympathize with your contract situation. I sympathize with my contract situation. It would be nice to get some respect in the form of money around here. I guess, like Tim, we just want to be loved.

MATT FORTE: Keep my name out your mouth, mother fucker. There is no we. We is not a thing. Our situations are not the same.

BRIAN URLACHER: I went to bat for you dumb ass, Briggs. I offered to take a pay cut years ago. All I hear about is how many Pro Bowls you've made.

LANCE BRIGGS: I've made 6 Pro Bowls.

DEVIN HESTER: Hey tho, ain't London that place where they talkin' funny? [Laughs] Cheerio, and shit.

TIM JENNINGS: [punches Hester in the mouth] Everyday I find myself thinking about sliding between those tree trunk thighs, slowly messaging my Queen's temples as she hums "Poetry Man."

ROBBIE GOULD: I SO love her rendition!

JAY CUTLER: [Laughing] Our boy Jennings over here has his tip tingling over a big pork chop dike.

TIM JENNINGS: What did you call her?

ROBBIE GOULD: A lesbian, Tim. She's fond of women.

[TIM JENNINGS jets towards the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably.]


JAY CUTLER: Hey, wait, don't feel bad. It's happened to all of us. I slept with a beautiful Taiwanese boy at Vandy three times before I realized he was a she. Fuck it. I regret nothing.

ADAM PODLESH: Did you guys know... [pauses] that "Big Ben" as most people think, is not actually the clock tower, but the bell within the clock tower.

JULIUS PEPPERS: I would love to visit.

[Everyone stops and stares at Peppers]


JULIUS PEPPERS: What!? I happen to be a clock connoisseur. My grandfather ignited a passion in me which I didn't know I had. I carry his Swiss pocket watch with me to this day.

DEVIN HESTER: Hold up, Ben Russeyberger has a London clock named after him?

[Urlacher grabs Hester by the head and repeatedly smashes it against the window. Hester falls over, bleeding and unconscious]

BRIAN URLACHER: [While administering the beating] I hear they're ten years behind the American trends in England. This tribal tat should have 'em dropping panties in the club, just like it did for Paris Hilton.

[The players fall asleep for the remaining four hours. Devin Hester may or may not be dead. They awake to a landed plane]


TIM JENNINGS: [Opens door to find thousands of screaming Bears fans in England] They love us! They really love us!

MATT FORTE: I'm hope they're not expecting too much, like a win, for instance.

JAY CUTLER: All I know is, we're gonna give 'em a good show. None of this faggity shit they call football over here. Let's go, men. TRIM, on three.

Aaron Rodgers: The Giver

I've been thinking long and hard about the upcoming Packers game and have come to one conclusion: Aaron Rodgers did the Bears and their fans a favor. Huh? You're probably thinking. The Bears had the chance to knock the Packers out of the sixth seed by defeating them in Week 17. They instead showcased some vanilla play-calling (even by their standards) and allowed Green Bay to escape with a narrow 10-3 win. You know how the story ends. If anything we did them a favor, last year.

Maybe but we're discussing the now. Let's start with the inevitable. The Packers are going to win on Sunday. They're going to win convincingly, probably by 20+ points. Go ahead and throw out the "but it's always a close game when the Pack come to town" argument. Keep kidding yourself. Chicago's O-Line couldn't pick up a blitz if it was buried comfortably in a litter box. Green Bay likes to blitz, sometimes in odd situations, and is really good at disguising them. As was the case in New Orleans, the Matt Forte checkdown will be the only open receiver Cutler sees all day.

Aaron Rodgers' career numbers against the Bears: 133-194 (69%), 1396 passing yards, 7 TD, 4 INT, 4-2 overall record. Good numbers, especially completion percentage, but not as good as one might expect. Credit the Bears defense for keeping Rodgers relatively human during their six match-ups, but this Sunday feels like the time for a big breakout. I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

So how exactly has Aaron Rodgers done us a favor? He shaved his horseshoe mustache, that's how. Anyone who has followed the Packers recently knows there was always an air of mystery surrounding Rodgers. He inexplicably fell to the bottom of the first round where the Packers snagged him 24th in the 2005 Draft. "He wears oversized clothes," the Green Bay locals gossiped when they saw wander the town. Under the "tutelage" of Brett Favre, no one was sure what exactly Rodgers did. Did he study the playbook? Could he even talk? Rodgers blended in in the way you would expect Brett Favre's back-up to -- he was there, but no one would even notice if he wasn't.

While riding the bench, Rodgers sported shoulder-length hair. He experimented with full beards, goatees, regular old mustaches, and three-day stubble. His willingness to change can be attributed to a lack of identity. He was still trying to find himself. Then again, the entertainment options open to Rodgers in Green Bay were slim. Either play around with his face hair or take up World of Warcraft. He chose the former before settling in on the wholesome Midwestern look after being named the starter. Rodgers is from California.

Watch this:

Rodgers' stat line Sunday : 34-38, 396 yards, 4 TD, 0 INT, 145.2 QB Rating

Class act. Humble. Born Leader. I can't help but respect him. I wish he was on our team.

  

Rodgers' stat line Sunday : 34-38, 396 yards, 4 TD, 0 INT, 145.2 QB Rating

What a fucking douche bag.

The mustache, or lack thereof, is absolutely essential here. Properly-groomed Aaron Rodgers looks like your typical 9-to-5 Subway-sandwich-for-lunch businessman. Respectable. Excellent worker, deserves a promotion but struggles to get noticed because half his floor wears the same red tie. Mustachioed Aaron Rodgers looks like the northern Wisconsin everyman. Send him into the woods with nothing but a Cold Steel 6' Outdoorsman hunting knife and a 18-rack of Miller High Life and he'll come back with dinner and/or a new kitchen ornament. Properly-groomed Aaron Rodgers is the picture of conformity -- the downtown Chicago businessman. Mustachioed Aaron Rodgers embraces being different and shoves his difference in your face. Us Chicagoans laugh at the northern Wisconsin types who claim to be proud of where they're from. God forbid their star quarterback, the best player in the NFL, were to beat us year after year, AND choose to look like one of them in the process. It would be too much to bear.  

While taking in Sunday's game, remember: it could be worse. Mustachioed Rodgers could be be handing out championship belts and blowing the imaginary smoke emanating from his finger gun. "Isn't that the guy from Deadwood?" is a question your wife won't have to ask. Your three-year-old can stop crying because Jay Cutler is doing that thing again where he twitches his right arm and your son thinks Rodgers shot him and Cutler's arm is about to fall off. "It won't hurt if he watches an old episode of The Rifleman with me," you so foolishly thought two weeks ago. Enjoy the game, expect the beatdown, and at least be thankful Aaron Rodgers could find a razor in that god-awful shit stain of a city known as Green Bay.*

*I've never been to Green Bay.

On To The Next One

On Monday, I wrote a piece vehemently defending Jay Cutler. I argued that the wave of criticism thrown Cutler's way was unfair. The gist of my argument was that veiled behind the talk of MCL sprains, toughness, and body language was really just a critique of Jay Cutler the person -- not Jay Cutler the player.
Simply put, if a quarterback such as Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers went down with the same injury and reacted the same way on the bench, we would not have seen a national outcry. The consensus on Cutler is that he's a jerk. He doesn't get along with the media and makes very little public effort to endear himself to Chicago Bears fans. Judging by this criteria, quitting on his team seemed like something that our pigeonholed version of Jay Cutler would do. Perception became reality.
I'm all for calling out a player who doesn't seem to be giving maximum effort in the most important game of the season, but this wasn't the case on Sunday. Cutler was sacked 57 times this season. He missed the first game of his career this year because of a concussion he suffered in the Giants game. He took a beating and didn't once complain publicly. He didn't quit then, which is why it's hard for me to believe he would quit now.
It's difficult to criticize a quarterback when his team is winning. Cutler's critics saw an opportunity on Sunday and ran with it. They've wanted to spew this venom for some time now and finally got their chance. The Bears looked in preseason to be a team with 5-11 talent. They finished 11-5, in large part due to Cutler's play. The criticism was unfair, shortsighted, and levied with such force because people don't like Jay Cutler, and they couldn't stand seeing him have success.
That's the short version of what I wrote on Monday. Somehow, the post didn't save and I wasn't able to recover it. Probably just as well, the last thing all of need is another Jay Cutler rambling. Which incidentally, is what I accidentally just gave you.

All we can do now is move on. When your girlfriend dumps you, it's OK to sulk for a week or so, and then you have to find someone new to obsess over. Fortunately for us Chicago sports fans, we can move on to a sexier and more stable woman, who is less likely to drive us up the wall with her inconsistent behavior. I'm of course referring to the Chicago Bulls.
All puns aside, I couldn't wish for a better rebound team. The Bulls are 31-14, hold a 13 game lead in the Central Division, and are only a half a game behind Miami for the 2nd seed in the Eastern Conference. All of this without Noah or Boozer for almost every game this season.
Derrick Rose has been such a joy to watch because he's improved in every area of his game that was considered a weakness last year. He can knock down threes and mid range jumpers, and has punished defenders that have thought otherwise. He's displayed great court awareness, consistently finding  the open man. The difference this year is that his teammates are making more shots and getting wide open looks. The spacing of this year's team is otherworldly in comparison to last year. Rose has also improved defensively. He's nowhere near an elite defender yet, but is no longer a liability. The team as a whole has been bailed out with some great defensive performances this year.
My favorite Rose game was last Thursday against Dallas, even though it was one of his worst shooting nights of the year. Rose went 9-28, a paltry 32 percent from the field. He did a little bit of everything, playing 44 minutes and finishing with 26 points, 9 assists, and 7 rebounds.
Why be so proud of such a poor shooting performance, you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked. This game was a microcosm of what the Bulls season had been up to this point. Rose received no help -- no other Bulls player scored in double figures. He played with a lineup of Ronnie Brewer, Luol Deng, Taj Gibson, and Kurt Thomas for the majority of the game against one of the four best teams in the Western Conference. Dirk wasn't fully recovered from a knee injury and Caron Butler was out for the season, but with the combination of their size and ability to run the floor, this was a game that the Mavericks should have won.
Rose stepped up despite facing double teams all game, shouldered the offensive load, and the Bulls as a team played great defense. It wasn't a pretty 82-77 victory, but a win is a win.
The same can be said for the Bulls season so far. They haven't always looked like an offensive juggernaut, but their defense has kept them in games. They're only going to get better, assuming they're fully healthy when Noah returns in a few weeks. Come March, the Bulls should be hitting their stride -- at the perfect time.
This isn't a bad situation to fall into at all. And on the plus side, Rose will never be accused of quitting on his team.

It Was Only A Matter Of Time

You have to love the NFL. Just when you think the league has been around long enough that nothing new can possibly happen...BOOM...the 2010 NFL Playoffs. To recap, we've seen:
1) The 7-9 Seahawks become the first team in NFL history to make the playoffs with a losing record. Not only that, but they knocked out the defending Super Bowl Champions in the first round.
2) Mark Sanchez tied the record for most career road playoff wins by a quarterback. You read that right. If Sanchez and the Jets win in Pittsburgh on Sunday, the 24 year-old will will have the most career road playoff victories in only the second year of his career.
3) Brady, Manning, and Brees (27 combined playoff wins) are all sitting at home, while Rodgers, Cutler, and Sanchez (7 combined playoff wins) are still playing.
4) More creative uses of the word "foot" than you ever expected. The sport in question is football, after all.
5) Last and most important, the Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers will meet for only the second time in playoff history. The best rivalry in sports and they've met 182 times up until this point.

Who would have thought that in 2011, we'd see the most important game of the most important rivalry in the NFL. Sure, the 1941 meeting  was just as meaningful at the surface. That game served the same purpose that the NFC Championship will. But let's not forget two crucial points. First, there were ten NFL teams in 1941. It was hardly as much of an accomplishment to make it to the NFL Championship in 1941 than it is to make it to the Super Bowl in 2011. Second, the NFL in 1941 was robbed of plenty of potential talent. Black players, despite playing in the late 1920s and early 1930s were basically refused by owners in the 1940s, who agreed under the table to bar them from competition. The US was also just entering World War II and shipping over potential NFL players to Europe and the Pacific. Not to mention, professional football wasn't a lucrative job back then. Many former college football players were better off finding work elsewhere than continuing their football career.
So this is clearly the biggest game of the storied rivalry, but how did a Green Bay-Chicago playoff game of this magnitude not happen sooner? Let's break down the different phases of the NFL playoffs beginning in 1933.

1933-1966 - The NFL is split into two divisions. The teams with the best record in each division face off for the NFL Title. Imagine if we just let the Patriots and Falcons play in the Super Bowl this year. Thank God for expansion.
If two teams finished with the same record atop the division, then they played each other to see who would go to the NFL title game. This is exactly what happened in 1941. The Bears and Packers both finished with a 10-1 record and battled for the opportunity to take on the 8-3 New York Giants in the title game. The Bears won 33-14 and went on defeat the Giants 37-9 for the title.
It's amazing to think that such an improbable scenario led to the only playoff meeting of these two teams.
1967-1969 - The NFL splits into four divisions -- two in each conference. The two division winners in the same conference face each other. The two winners of these match ups play each other in the Super Bowl. The Bears and Packers are in the same division, and a tie atop the division was broken through a series of tie-brokers, not a game. This era would mark the only time in NFL playoff history when it was impossible for the Bears and Packers to meet in the playoffs.
1970-1978 - The AFL and NFL merge, leading to an expanded playoff format. The NFL is now composed of three divisions in each conference. The playoffs are composed of eight teams, the three division winners, and a wild card from each conference. The Bears and Packers never make the playoffs in the same year during this era.
1979-1989 - The NFL expands to a ten team playoff format. Still three division winners, but an extra wild card from each conference is added. The two wild card teams take part in what is basically a play-in game. The winner faces the number 1 seed, while the 2 and 3 seeds face each other. The Bears and Packers do not make the playoffs in the same year during this era either.
1990-2001 - The NFL expands to a 12 team playoff format. Still three division winners, but now three wild cards from each conference. The Bears and Packers now qualify for four of the potential six playoff spots, the best odds they'd ever had to meet in the playoffs up to this point, and best odds they've had since.
Not surprisingly they would both make the playoffs in the 1994-95 season, and the 2001-02 season. In 1994, both teams earned a wild card berth, Packers were the four seed and the Bears the six seed. They both won their opening round game and both lost their second round game, squashing a potential NFC Championship match-up.
In 2001, the Bears won the NFC Central and earned the two seed, while the Packers earned the four seed as the top wild card team. The Packers won their opening round game before falling to the number one seeded Rams in the divisional round. The Bears would lose to the Eagles, also in the divisional round, again preventing a possible Bears-Packers NFC Championship game.
2002-Present - The NFL realigns to four divisions per conference, with each division winner making the playoffs, as well as two wild card teams from each conference. Viola! The playoff format that we know today. This is the first year in this era that the Bears and Packers have made the playoffs the same year, and the 60 year anniversary of their first playoff match-up.

So that's how we got here. I'm not even going to attempt an explanation of what's about to ensue, keys to the game, who has an advantage where, or who is going to win. I don't know any of that and won't pretend to. I just have three thoughts.

1) It's fascinating to watch the Rodgers-Cutler contrast unfold. When Cutler was dealt to the Bears two years ago, onlookers gushed about a possible rivalry with him and Rodgers for the next ten years. Then Cutler had a poor 2009 season and it came to light that the two were actually good friends. The possibility of a good rivalry, or at least the kind that the media and fans wanted was pretty much dead.
Here we are in 2011 and each quarterback's public perception is beginning to take shape. Rodgers is the media darling for various reasons. He was commended for the way he's handled the Favre saga. He's played extremely well, to the point where Green Bay fans don't miss Favre even a little bit -- something I would have thought to be impossible three years ago.
Rodgers is also playing out of his mind. Every quarterback has their defining "I'm Here" moment. Rodgers has already played his way into the elite level of quarterbacks, he just needed the stage to show it to the world. What better way than to outshine Brady, Manning, and Brees in the playoffs (check) and lead his team to a Super Bowl victory (gulp). The stars seem to be aligning for Green Bay, and in two years or less, Aaron Rodgers will be regarded as the top quarterback in the NFL.
Then there's Jay Cutler. Rick Reilly wrote a not so flattering piece about him last week. There's nothing new here. Denver fans could have told you this five years ago, and Bears fans two years ago. It actually helped Reilly more than it hurt Cutler. No one under the age of 50 even knew Rick Reilly was still writing -- except for the people who noticed Reilly's miniature head on the ESPN.com front page while they were checking for Bill Simmons' column.
The point I'm trying to make is that Cutler's perceived douchiness could be just the element that this rivalry needs. Everybody loves Rodgers! He's the People's Champ. Just look at the way he shines his imaginary title belt after every touchdown.
Who likes Cutler? No one. Not even Bears fans. If NFL fans outside of Denver and Chicago were indifferent towards Cutler before, they sure won't be now that Cutler has the chance to win a Super Bowl. Look at the demeanor of the beloved Super Bowl winning quarterbacks Brady, Manning, and Brees. All are perceived as class acts, hard workers, great teammates, and leaders. In other words, their public perceptions are flawless. If he isn't included already, Rodgers fits the criteria for this club.
Cutler is the spoiled brat with bad body language. He'll curse out a referee or call out a teammate before he places the blame on himself, and his greatest contribution as a leader this year has been high-fiving his teammates after a successful PAT.
This rivalry has potential, even if they do like each other. Let us fans pretend.
2) Let me be the 11,765,093th person to comment on how improbable it is for the Bears and Packers to be in the NFC Championship game. The Packers have suffered a career-ending injury at seemingly every position this year -- including two Aaron Rodgers' concussions. I'm beginning to think Rodgers is just that good. It doesn't matter who you put out there with him -- he'll find a way to win.
Here's an underrated subplot of this year's Packers. I think most Packers fans assume that if this is what they're doing with a bunch of back-ups, imagine what next year will be like when everyone is healthy! This is the NFL and it usually doesn't work that way. I'm just going to pull up a seat and watch the slow burn of disappointment come next year.
The Bears have provided the blueprint for a roller coaster season. Very few people had high hopes for them at the start of the season. Then they pulled off three straight wins, two of them against the Packers and Cowboys, who were considered the two best teams in the NFC at the time. We started to believe, and then the Giants game brought us back to the team we were expecting to see this year. Add in losses to the Seahawks and Redskins and the season looked to be imploding before our eyes. Then a five game winning streak, including a win against the Eagles, the hottest team in the NFL at the time. It was that game that I think people started to believe (again).
The Bears are still underdogs as they've been all season. I like that. I like that the Packers have already been crowned Super Bowl champions. Nevermind that they have to play in Chicago against the only team (besides the possible Super Bowl foe New York Jets) who have shown the ability to stop their offense. A team has never and will never ride the wave of luck all the way to the Conference Championship game. These teams are more even than anyone is willing to acknowledge.
3) That being said, I'm admitting that this game makes me nervous. It's the most nervous I've ever been before a sporting event in my life. It's only Monday. You probably won't get a Packers or Bears fan to admit it, but the nervousness is resting somewhere in the back of their brain and will come out a little bit more each day. It's not that each fan base doesn't think they will win -- they just know there's always the possibility they won't.
I'm normally a proponent of "The bigger the game, the worse the loss," theory. For instance, some would say after losing the Super Bowl, "Well, at least we made it to the Super Bowl." Not me. Losing the Super Bowl is the worst kind of loss because you got so close. But not in this case. Losing to the Packers, knowing they could win the Super Bowl would hurt ten times more than losing the Super Bowl for the second time in five years. The thought will cross every Green Bay and Chicago fan between now and Sunday. Millions of people will be too ashamed to leave their house come 5:30 Sunday evening.

A Win Is A Win...And The Bears Have Seven Of Them

The Chicago Bears are the worst 7-3 football team in the history of the NFL. Last week, they were the worst 6-3 football team in the history of the NFL. If they beat the Eagles next week they will be the worst 8-3 football team in the history of the NFL. If this is all starting to sound a little silly, it should.
ESPN.com writer Gene Wojciechowski (I triple checked that, it's spelled correctly) was kind enough to offer me an alley-oop. I was planning on addressing all of the excuses that have been made as to why the Bears have been successful this season, and Wojciechowski provided a nice, quick reason/excuse for each Chicago victory this year (minus the Packers, for whatever reason). I believe that his views match up almost perfectly with what I've heard about the Bears all season, so I decided to use his article as a reference point.

On the Lions win: "[The Bears] beat the Detroit Lions in the season opener, but needed a Matthew Stafford injury and a bizarre, last-second nullified touchdown to do it."

When healthy, Stafford is a much better quarterback than back up Shaun Hill, no one is disputing that. However, let's not pretend that Hill hasn't stepped in and played well. In his six starts this season, Hill has thrown for 1544 yards, 10 TDs to 7 INTs, and completed 62 percent of his passes. Not bad numbers at all, especially for a back up quarterback. The Lions were 1-5 in those games, not because of Hill, but because they gave up an average of 28 points per game in those five losses and couldn't run the ball. Hill played the entire second half of the Bears game and the Bears defense held him to his worst half of football this season.
Johnson's nullified touchdown is a tough call. There is a portions of the NFL rulebook that could have interpreted that as a catch, and another part, the part the referee's used, interpreted it as a drop. I'm convinced that Johnson could have came down with the ball in both hands, he chose to swing it to his right hand and payed for it. It's really no different than a receiver making a spectacular catch and coming down with his toe out of bounds.

On the Cowboys win: "[The Bears] beat the spectacularly underachieving Dallas Cowboys on the road for their second win."

I hate this argument. This was the second game of the NFL season. The Cowboys were 0-1, had they underachieved then, after one game? To suggest that the underachieving 1-8 Cowboys are the same team that took the field in the second game of the season is ludicrous. The football season does not remain static, some teams get better as the season goes on, and some get worse.
In Week 2 of the NFL season, the Dallas Cowboys were a Super Bowl favorite playing their first home game of the season. Dallas' D-Line came close to killing Cutler the entire first half, Romo threw for almost 400 yards, and Miles Austin caught 10 passes for 142 yards. The Bears won because they were plus three in the turnover battle, not because the Cowboys were an underachieving team one week into the season, they actually played very good that game.

On the Panthers win: "On the week [the Bears] lost Cutler to a concussion, the schedule gods gave them the Carolina Panthers -- and a win. Carolina is 1-8 this season."

I don't care what the opposing team's record is, if your quarterback (Todd Collins, the worst quarterback to start a NFL game this season) goes 6-16 for 32 yards and 4 INTs, you have no business winning that game. The Bears did because they created three turnovers of their own and held the dynamic Williams-Stewart combo to a combined 81 yards rushing.
The Bears also made a commitment to the run against the Panthers' pitiful rushing defense. Matt Forte scored two touchdowns and ran for 166 yards. When teams like the Patriots exploit other team's weaknesses, they're called smart. When the Bears do, they're lucky to be playing a weak team. It's all part of the double standard.

On the Bills win: "[The Bears'] fifth win came against the then-winless Buffalo Bills. And they didn't even have to play the Bills in Buffalo. Instead, they faced them in Toronto."

Sure, let's just ignore that after their Week 6 bye, the Bills weren't playing great football. They took the Ravens and Chiefs (both 4-2 when the Bills faced them) to overtime in back to back weeks. Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw for 605 yards and 5 touchdowns in both games. The Bills lost to the Bears and then went on to beat the Lions on the road. They're playing much much much better in the last four weeks than they were in the previous five.   
I'm not sure what Wojciechowski was getting at about playing in Toronto. He is aware that Buffalo and Toronto practically border each other, right? If he's suggesting that this was a home game that didn't have the feel of a home game it's because the Bears fans travel well, not because Bills fans couldn't make it to the game.

On the Vikings win: "[The Bears] got win number six against a Minnesota Vikings team that can't stand its coach and is without its best wide receiver."

Am I missing something? Haven't the Vikings hated Chilly for years? Weren't they going to win despite him? And not going to lay down like the Dallas Cowboys? Hasn't Sidney Rice been injured all season? These excuses could have been but weren't used when the Saints, Jets, Packers, and Patriots defeated the Vikings. Double standard, anyone?
Adrian Peterson and Brett Favre have made careers out of beating up on the Bears defense. In this game, they held Peterson to 51 yards, and Favre to 170 passing yards and 3 interceptions the week after his career high 446 yard passing effort against Arizona. If that's not impressive, especially for a team that has struggled historically against both players, I don't know what is.

On the Dolphins win: "And then [the Bears] threw a shutout against the Dolphins, who converted just one third down, had the ball nearly 16 fewer minutes than the Bears and saw Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams rush for a combined 11 yards."

I'm confused, these all seem like compliments to me. So the Dolphins a) couldn't convert on third down, b) lost the time of possession battle, c) had a reshuffled offensive line and couldn't run the ball, and d) started a back up quarterback. And that's why it was OK for Miami to lose? By my calculations, the Bears could have circled A, B, C, D, or E (All of the Above) for every game this season, yet they're 7-3, and being criticized for winning games that the Dolphins are getting a pass for.

The Bears are a flawed team, just like any other in the NFC. I believe they will make the playoffs, and after that, who knows what will happen. The last six games, especially next week at home against Philadelphia, and the three division games on the road will be hugely instrumental in shaping their playoff chances. Luck doesn't last for ten games and it sure doesn't last for sixteen. If the Bears make the playoffs it won't be because they were lucky, but because they deserved it.
For the record, Wojciechowski's summarized argument was, "I don't think the Bears are very good, but they've been so lucky this year, that I wouldn't be surprised if they made it to the Super Bowl." That seems to be everyone's view of the Bears in a nutshell. They're no good but they keep on winning, so I'm not going to be the one to wrongfully pick against them.
Just remember that there's more than one way to win a football game. The 2010 Bears are anything but conventional, but they're getting it done.