#CuttyDoesIt: A Non-Comprehensive List

Up close look at the thumb in question.

Sunday night was supposed to be a time of relaxation. A time to enjoy the Bears victory and laugh at the plight of the Eagles. The Eagles won in spectacularly boring fashion, the real interruption, however, was the news of Cutler's broken thumb. The reactions were swift and ranging. Everything from "The season is over," to "Their remaining schedule is pretty soft, the Bears should be able to survive and make the playoffs." The Bears this season, especially during the current five game winning streak, have looked more in-sync on offense than they have since the first half of 2006, and before that --what -- the mid-1990s? Cutler, now surrounded by a competent offensive line and a rejuvenated defense, appears worthy of the hype surrounding his acquisition three years ago. Fans who didn't see him play in Denver were probably wondering how and why that hype originated.

Cutler's on-field exploits -- extending plays with his legs, the accurate, zip-line throws into tight windows, and propensity to throw on the run -- seemed to be a matter of "if" rather than "when." He justifiably lacked confidence in his offensive line. He forced throws when he knew he wouldn't be afforded enough time to throw down the field again for the remainder of the drive. His body language was bad. Too much was made of this, particularly in connection to buzzwords like "leadership ability" that are more literary crutch than beneficial discussion point. There was and is something to body language, though. Cutler approached every game as if he was preparing for a 10-hour warehouse shift. This applied to all phases, on the field, at the podium, etc. Playing football wasn't about fun or winning. It was some shit he had to do to survive.

Soldier Field erupted when Cutler took the ball over the pile for a one-yard score in the second quarter. The Bears would not relinquish the lead for the rest of the game. It's plays like these Bears fans love because they can say, "Look how tough he is." When news came out Cutler finished the game with a broken thumb, I could envision the prideful smug-faced Bears fans everywhere. When a slew of players, NFL fans and writers (all OUTSIDERS oooh oooh), criticized Cutler for not returning to last year's NFC Championship game, almost all Bears fan -- even those who didn't like Cutler -- rallied defensively around him. He was like the younger brother they could slap, push down the stairs, and tackle in the mud, but the minute someone else did it, they're dead. Basically, we don't need someone outside our family telling us how to be an older sibling, or how to raise kids, whichever. He's leaving us now, for  6-8 weeks, and it's created a void in our sporting lives.

The team has won the last two years and Bears fans have an excuse to permeate the "Us Against the World" mentality with Cutler front and center. Spawned from this new relationship is a funnier, more entertaining and relateable Jay Cutler. He's actually interacting with fans on Twitter and joking about giving Philip Rivers a call. He can tell his offensive coordinator to "Fuck Off," and everyone laughs it off. He's embraced the #CuttyDoesIt hashtag and is using it to promote his foundation. I love #CuttyDoesIt because it's all-encompassing. What can't Cutty do? He can do the mundane, the supernatural, the sexual conquistador -- whatever you want. And the best part is he embraces this fluidity. Two years ago he would have shrugged it off.

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Make a list of your own. Here's mine:


Shaves with Ginsu knives. #CuttyDoesIt

Pierces ears, nose, and lip with a blue push-pin. Critics point to the fact push-pin was sterilized beforehand. #CuttyDoesIt

Orders a $3.99 meal from Denny's. Tips 60 cents in nickels and dimes. #CuttyDoesIt

Contacts four different electronic stores in regards to a 60 inch flat screen HDTV. Decides on the one with the most affordable price. #CuttyDoesIt

Has taken to yelling "Go Long!" at the drunken holiday parties. The guests get a kick out of it. #CuttyDoesIt

Notices a beehive has begun to form underneath the gutter. Runs to the store, purchases a can of Raid and sprays the hive for the next three days. Removes nest on the third day with no problem. #CuttyDoesIt

Enters a burning building. Mother screams, "My baby! My baby! Not my baby!" Jets up to the second floor, grabs baby, and throws perfect spiral out the window to Earl Bennett, standing nearby. #CuttyDoesIt

Publicly roots for Vandy, but wouldn't mind seeing Kentucky take the SEC East every year. #CuttyDoesIt

Ponders aloud in the doctor's office the difficulty of jerking off with a thumb cast. #CuttyDoesIt

Throws off back foot to distinguish himself from Aaron Rodgers. #CuttyDoesIt

I have never seen this woman in my life before, officer. #CuttyDoesIt

Publicly denies to the intrusive, no-fun-whatsoever beat reporters his knowledge of the term "cutty" as slang for a "sex act."  Privately knew all along. #CuttyDoesIt

Roy Williams' Beautiful (In)Consistency

Roy Williams is much maligned in Chicago because he dropped some preseason receptions and replaced Johnny Knox's pretty hazel eyes in the starting lineup. The Knox situation is obviously indefensible, but Williams' occasional stone hands should come as no surprise. From the University of Texas, to Detroit, to Dallas, the book has been out on Williams. He's going to make some spectacular catches that remind you of how bright his future his. Then he's going to drop some routine passes that remind you he's a ninth-year wide receiver and far too old to be spoken of in terms of potential.

Roy Williams made his name in the NFL by being one of its most remarkably inconsistent players. No one can make the routine catches difficult and the difficult catches routine quite like him. He is one of the poster boys for what the NFL's detractors call a culture of showmanship over substance. He celebrates every first down catch by extending his long right arm and pointing -- no different than the referee's first down signal. Almost every receiver has indicated their own first down at least once in their career but no receiver remains as steadfastly loyal to the gesture as Williams. Williams' first down signal is the one consistency in an otherwise capricious career.

When it comes to Roy Williams, erratic is what we know. So why should his first down celebrations be any different? Rather than replicating the same boring hand signal, Williams should be trying to find new and creative ways to celebrate first downs. Here are a few suggestions.

    

NAME: Unemployment Line, Credit Card Declined

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 5, @Detroit

DESCRIPTION: Historically, there are two appropriate ways to act at an unemployment line. The first is to jam your hands into your coat pockets and look straight ahead. Avoid all eye contact. Hum along to Ben Selvin's "Happy Days Are Here Again." The second is to cross your arms across your chest and look pissed off. Think of all the dumb fucks who still have jobs. The first person who asks for anything as much as the time is getting their head smashed into the concrete wall. Roy Williams doesn't have pockets so he has to settle for the second historically appropriate way to act.

RESULT: The state of Michigan, suffering from the third highest unemployment rate in the US knows the look all too well. They remember Williams was able to escape their dreadful 0-16 team five weeks into the season. Feelings of bitterness begin to fest within Lions fans. They contemplate burning tires late into the morning before realizing their team is 4-1 after defeating the Bears on Monday night. Things are looking up.

 

NAME: I Just Rhymed Kodak With Kodak, Pay Me

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 9, @Philadelphia

DESCRIPTION: Cuban-American rapper Pitbull, despite making a career off of danceable songs, never learned how to dance himself. To cover up his deficiencies, he snaps his fingers and sways from left to right. One suspects young Pitbull picked up these moves from his father who was influenced by the sudden influx of rhythm-retarded Americans vacationing in Havana before the Castro regime. Dr. Pepper was impressed with how well Pitbull hid his inability to cut a rug and scooped him up to promote their equally coy product. Williams adopts the two-snap, left, right, left first down celebration to a chorus of Philly boos.

RESULT: Philly fans do not pick up on the the thinly veiled reference to Mike Vick and the pitbulls he murdered years ago. Had they known they would have become especially offended because Vick gives them the best chance to win a Super Bowl. Philadelphia reporters explain to Vick the connection between Williams' first down celebration and the actions that landed him in prison for almost two years. Vick says all the right things. The NFL Live crew devotes an entire half-hour segment to Vick's new found sincerity.

 

NAME: People Were Doing This Before The 1968 Olympics

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 12, @Oakland

DESCRIPTION: Oakland is a city with a longstanding history of racial division and police brutality. From the city's ashes spawned the Black Panthers, a movement that would both terrify and inspire millions of Americans. In order to pay tribute to what Roy Williams believed was a world-class organization (particularly the free breakfast programs), he celebrates a first down by standing still and raising his right fist. Williams' timing couldn't be worse as the Bears are draped in their two-minute offense with no timeouts. His celebration costs the team a shot at a 48-year Robbie Gould field goal.

RESULT: Williams is accused of reverse racism by the Chicago media. Oakland fans misinterpret the gesture as questioning their manhood. They challenge Williams to a fight -- right there in the visitor's tunnel. The fans become confused and soon direct their misplaced rage at each other. A brawl ensues and results in the arrest of three grown-men painted head to toe in silver. Roy Williams v. O.co Coliseum is still pending.

Forecasting The NFC Playoffs

It's about that time again. With 62.5 percent of the NFL season complete, things are starting to fall into place. Minnesota and Dallas will both miss the playoffs and have fired their head coaches, Mike Vick not only is the Eagles' starting quarterback, but is putting together an MVP season, and Detroit is still Detroit, but at least they're not Carolina. Just like we drew it up from the beginning.
There's seven teams that deserve six playoff spots. Only five of those teams will actually make the playoffs. Damn you, NFC West. Here's the NFC playoff picture, as it currently stands.

LOCKS:

Atlanta Falcons (8-2), Projected Finish (13-3, NFC South Champs, #1 Seed)

Green Bay Packers (7-3), Projected Finish (11-5, NFC North Champs, #2 Seed)

New Orleans Saints (7-3), Projected Finish (10-6, NFC Wild Card, #5 Seed)

Whoever wins the NFC West, #4 Seed

Atlanta, Green Bay, and New Orleans are the only three teams I'm prepared to call locks for the playoffs. And of course, someone has to win the NFC West. Will that team be above .500? Probably not. Will a more deserving team, with a better record miss the playoffs because of the way the playoff system is designed? Yes. Does the playoff system need to be changed? Absolutely.
Atlanta is the cream of the NFC crop right now. Not only do they have the best record, but the easiest remaining schedule of the eight potential playoff teams. Next week's home game against Green Bay will be a great measuring stick for both teams, and Atlanta's Week 16 match up with New Orleans will be a golden opportunity for the Saints to cement their playoff spot. The tendency to embrace what is new has everyone falling in love with the Vick-McCoy-Jackson-Celek tandem, but I'm not so sure the more experienced Ryan-Turner-White-Gonzalez tandem isn't more primed for a playoff push.
The Packers could very easily have 8, 9, or even 10 wins at this point. They've lost all three of their games by a field goal, two of those losses coming in overtime. He won't win it, but for my money, Aaron Rodgers is the MVP of the league right now. His top target, tight end Jermichael Finley, and running back Ryan Grant were lost for the year, the offensive line has been shuffled around, and after hiccups against Washington and Miami, it appears the Packers have hit their stride. They'll be tested late in the year, next week at Atlanta, at New England in Week 15, and home games to close out the year against the Giants and Bears. The Packers have found their comfort zone and are settling in at just the right time.
There won't be a Super Bowl let down from the 2010 New Orleans Saints. They still have Drew Brees, meaning they won't have trouble scoring points. Their defense will be key to making the playoffs. New Orleans is currently 2nd in the NFL, allowing only 186 passing yards a game. They're giving up just over 100 yards on the ground per game. Drew Brees and the passing game will always be the focus, but the Saints will go as far as their defense takes them.

THE NFC EAST:

Philadelphia Eagles (7-3), Projected Finish (11-5, NFC East Champs, #3 Seed)

New York Giants (6-4), Projected Finish (9-7, 2nd in NFC East, Miss Playoffs)

I'm officially on the Eagles' bandwagon. Their offense is terrifying. They can beat you in so many ways, some of which we probably haven't even seen yet. Vick's health will be the key. He needs to do a better job of avoiding hits, or he'll be back on the sidelines, watching Kevin Kolb destroy the empire he was building. Next week at Chicago will be their biggest test of the season. Chicago can stop the run, but can they stop the run when Vick is the runner? Save for their rematch against the Giants, the Eagles will have plenty of defenses they can easily exploit in their remaining games.
The Giants are the biggest wild card in the NFC picture. Just three weeks ago they were the team to beat in all of the NFC, now they aren't even the favorite to win their division. The good news for Giants fans is that they have the ability, more so than any other team, of controlling their playoff fate. They've already beaten (dismantled might be a better word) the Bears, a major player in the Wild Card race. They have a home game against Philadelphia, and both games against the Redskins to gain leverage within their division. They also have a game left with Green Bay, which barring a Packer collapse, could also be Wild Card competition.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?:

Chicago Bears (7-3), Projected Finish (10-6, NFC Wild Card, #6 Seed)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3), Projected Finish (9-7, 3rd in NFC South, Miss Playoffs)

The black sheep of the NFC Playoff picture are clearly the Bears and Bucs. Both teams were expected to be closer to 3-7 at this point in the season, not the other way around. Neither team has looked pretty winning games, but they are winning. The Bears have the better defense, which is why I think they'll be able to stay in the playoff hunt. The key for the Bears is to avoid turnovers. They've had success in the past because they won the turnover battle. Cutler will have to take care of the ball better, especially against the Philadelphia's, Green Bay's, and New York's of the world if they're going to challenge for the last playoff spot.
Not only does Tampa Bay squeak out wins, but they also play in the same division as the Falcons and Saints, ensuring that they will always be overlooked. They have tough match ups remaining against both teams, at New Orleans and the Saints at home. They also have to go to Baltimore this upcoming weekend. All three of those games will be tough. Tampa Bay's Week 14-16 string of Washington on the road, Detroit, and Seattle will be huge. The Bucs have done a great job of stopping the pass this year, and those three teams rank 22nd, 31st, and 30th in rushing, respectively. It's not out of the question that Tampa Bay could finish 10-6 and grab a playoff spot, although I'm still not sold on quarterback Josh Freeman. I think he's still another year away.

SOMEONE'S GOTTA GRAB IT (NFC WEST):

Seattle Seahawks (5-5), Projected Finish (7-9, NFC West Champs, #4 Seed)

St. Louis Rams (4-6), Projected Finish (6-10, 2nd in NFC West, Miss Playoffs)

Yes, I think Seattle will be under .500 to finish the year. They will have a higher seed than two 10 win teams. I don't know what to say about these two teams other than it's wrong that they need to be in the playoff discussion. Here's what I'm hoping happens. The Rams win two of their next five, and the Seahawks win one of their next five. They meet each other in Week 17 of the season, both 6-9. The winner advances to the playoffs. They go scoreless in regulation and a first overtime before Roger Goodell says "Fuck It," let's toss up a coin, neither of you are beating the Saints anyway.  Seattle wins the coin toss and proceeds to lose by 35 at home to New Orleans.

A Win Is A Win...And The Bears Have Seven Of Them

The Chicago Bears are the worst 7-3 football team in the history of the NFL. Last week, they were the worst 6-3 football team in the history of the NFL. If they beat the Eagles next week they will be the worst 8-3 football team in the history of the NFL. If this is all starting to sound a little silly, it should.
ESPN.com writer Gene Wojciechowski (I triple checked that, it's spelled correctly) was kind enough to offer me an alley-oop. I was planning on addressing all of the excuses that have been made as to why the Bears have been successful this season, and Wojciechowski provided a nice, quick reason/excuse for each Chicago victory this year (minus the Packers, for whatever reason). I believe that his views match up almost perfectly with what I've heard about the Bears all season, so I decided to use his article as a reference point.

On the Lions win: "[The Bears] beat the Detroit Lions in the season opener, but needed a Matthew Stafford injury and a bizarre, last-second nullified touchdown to do it."

When healthy, Stafford is a much better quarterback than back up Shaun Hill, no one is disputing that. However, let's not pretend that Hill hasn't stepped in and played well. In his six starts this season, Hill has thrown for 1544 yards, 10 TDs to 7 INTs, and completed 62 percent of his passes. Not bad numbers at all, especially for a back up quarterback. The Lions were 1-5 in those games, not because of Hill, but because they gave up an average of 28 points per game in those five losses and couldn't run the ball. Hill played the entire second half of the Bears game and the Bears defense held him to his worst half of football this season.
Johnson's nullified touchdown is a tough call. There is a portions of the NFL rulebook that could have interpreted that as a catch, and another part, the part the referee's used, interpreted it as a drop. I'm convinced that Johnson could have came down with the ball in both hands, he chose to swing it to his right hand and payed for it. It's really no different than a receiver making a spectacular catch and coming down with his toe out of bounds.

On the Cowboys win: "[The Bears] beat the spectacularly underachieving Dallas Cowboys on the road for their second win."

I hate this argument. This was the second game of the NFL season. The Cowboys were 0-1, had they underachieved then, after one game? To suggest that the underachieving 1-8 Cowboys are the same team that took the field in the second game of the season is ludicrous. The football season does not remain static, some teams get better as the season goes on, and some get worse.
In Week 2 of the NFL season, the Dallas Cowboys were a Super Bowl favorite playing their first home game of the season. Dallas' D-Line came close to killing Cutler the entire first half, Romo threw for almost 400 yards, and Miles Austin caught 10 passes for 142 yards. The Bears won because they were plus three in the turnover battle, not because the Cowboys were an underachieving team one week into the season, they actually played very good that game.

On the Panthers win: "On the week [the Bears] lost Cutler to a concussion, the schedule gods gave them the Carolina Panthers -- and a win. Carolina is 1-8 this season."

I don't care what the opposing team's record is, if your quarterback (Todd Collins, the worst quarterback to start a NFL game this season) goes 6-16 for 32 yards and 4 INTs, you have no business winning that game. The Bears did because they created three turnovers of their own and held the dynamic Williams-Stewart combo to a combined 81 yards rushing.
The Bears also made a commitment to the run against the Panthers' pitiful rushing defense. Matt Forte scored two touchdowns and ran for 166 yards. When teams like the Patriots exploit other team's weaknesses, they're called smart. When the Bears do, they're lucky to be playing a weak team. It's all part of the double standard.

On the Bills win: "[The Bears'] fifth win came against the then-winless Buffalo Bills. And they didn't even have to play the Bills in Buffalo. Instead, they faced them in Toronto."

Sure, let's just ignore that after their Week 6 bye, the Bills weren't playing great football. They took the Ravens and Chiefs (both 4-2 when the Bills faced them) to overtime in back to back weeks. Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw for 605 yards and 5 touchdowns in both games. The Bills lost to the Bears and then went on to beat the Lions on the road. They're playing much much much better in the last four weeks than they were in the previous five.   
I'm not sure what Wojciechowski was getting at about playing in Toronto. He is aware that Buffalo and Toronto practically border each other, right? If he's suggesting that this was a home game that didn't have the feel of a home game it's because the Bears fans travel well, not because Bills fans couldn't make it to the game.

On the Vikings win: "[The Bears] got win number six against a Minnesota Vikings team that can't stand its coach and is without its best wide receiver."

Am I missing something? Haven't the Vikings hated Chilly for years? Weren't they going to win despite him? And not going to lay down like the Dallas Cowboys? Hasn't Sidney Rice been injured all season? These excuses could have been but weren't used when the Saints, Jets, Packers, and Patriots defeated the Vikings. Double standard, anyone?
Adrian Peterson and Brett Favre have made careers out of beating up on the Bears defense. In this game, they held Peterson to 51 yards, and Favre to 170 passing yards and 3 interceptions the week after his career high 446 yard passing effort against Arizona. If that's not impressive, especially for a team that has struggled historically against both players, I don't know what is.

On the Dolphins win: "And then [the Bears] threw a shutout against the Dolphins, who converted just one third down, had the ball nearly 16 fewer minutes than the Bears and saw Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams rush for a combined 11 yards."

I'm confused, these all seem like compliments to me. So the Dolphins a) couldn't convert on third down, b) lost the time of possession battle, c) had a reshuffled offensive line and couldn't run the ball, and d) started a back up quarterback. And that's why it was OK for Miami to lose? By my calculations, the Bears could have circled A, B, C, D, or E (All of the Above) for every game this season, yet they're 7-3, and being criticized for winning games that the Dolphins are getting a pass for.

The Bears are a flawed team, just like any other in the NFC. I believe they will make the playoffs, and after that, who knows what will happen. The last six games, especially next week at home against Philadelphia, and the three division games on the road will be hugely instrumental in shaping their playoff chances. Luck doesn't last for ten games and it sure doesn't last for sixteen. If the Bears make the playoffs it won't be because they were lucky, but because they deserved it.
For the record, Wojciechowski's summarized argument was, "I don't think the Bears are very good, but they've been so lucky this year, that I wouldn't be surprised if they made it to the Super Bowl." That seems to be everyone's view of the Bears in a nutshell. They're no good but they keep on winning, so I'm not going to be the one to wrongfully pick against them.
Just remember that there's more than one way to win a football game. The 2010 Bears are anything but conventional, but they're getting it done.

NFL Should Change Overtime Rules (Again)

Sunday night, before all of this Randy Moss business, the most fascinating story in the NFL consisted of the Chiefs, Bills, and a "neither of us are quite accustomed to winning, why don't you take this?" overtime period.
How could these two teams provide such drama? It surely had nothing to do with the players on the field. With the exception of the most underrated player in football, Jamaal Charles (Chiefs running back, 238 total yards, 0 touchdowns), this game featured a bunch of names mostly anonymous among NFL fans, a Harvard grad playing quarterback for the Bills among those names, and a whole lot of wind.
This game was fascinating because it almost didn't render a result - or as I like to call it, the reason why games are played in the first place. Three punts and two missed field goals later, Kansas City kicker Ryan Succop hit a game winning 35 yard field goal with two seconds remaining in overtime.
We were this close to seeing the first tie game of this decade, and what would have been only the fifth tie in the last twenty years. Thankfully, we didn't.
In March, NFL owners voted almost unanimously to change the playoff overtime format. Instead of the "sudden death" format that the regular season currently operates under, this year's playoff edition will get an extra jolt of fairness. Under the new rules, if the first team to score kicks a field goal, the opposing team has a chance to counter. However, if the team that strikes first scores a touchdown, the game is over.
This seems reasonable, other than the fact that it only applies to the playoffs. I get it. The playoffs can't end in a tie. But as far as I'm concerned, regular season games can't either.
Ties are good for sports like soccer and hockey. Standings and playoff positioning are determined by a point system that rewards more points for better results. There's no such point system in the NFL. Winning percentage is too black and white for teams that have played the same amount of games. Wins and losses should be the only determining factor.
Consider what happened back in 2008, when the Eagles and Bengals played to a 13-13 tie in Week 10. The tie had no bearing on the Bengals who went on to a 4-11-1 record, but proved to be a tremendously important result for the 9-6-1 Eagles.
The Giants, Panthers, Vikings, and Cardinals won their divisions, and the 10-6 Falcons earned the fifth playoff spot. The Eagles earned the sixth spot because they had a higher winning percentage than the Bears, Cowboys, and Bucs, who all finished 9-7.
If the Eagles had beaten the Bengals then they would have won ten games and deserved to be in the playoffs. Had they lost, they would have been 9-7 and mixed up in a four-way tie for the last playoff spot.
To break the tie between the four teams, the team with the best record within the division would have advanced. That would have been the 4-2 Bears. In fact, the Eagles had the worst division record of the four teams, at 2-4. They also lost to the Bears and split with the Cowboys in the regular season. They didn't play the Bucs.
Simply put - the Eagles did not deserve to be in the playoffs that year. They didn't outplay the three 9-7 teams that rendered a result in all sixteen games. In this case, the lack of a sufficient overtime system shook up the playoff picture dramatically.
The failure of the overtime rules was glossed over because the Eagles were successful in the playoffs. They won their first two games before dropping to the Cardinals in the NFC Championship game. Most people assumed they deserved to be in the playoffs because they played well. The regular season is supposed to matter too, but in this case it didn't.
Since the NFL instituted the "sudden death" overtime period in 1974, there have been 17 ties. Thirteen of those occurred before 1990.
This isn't a pressing issue because it doesn't come up too often. Neither do tsunamis - but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have a plan in place.