Things Easier Than Keeping Calvin Johnson Out of the End Zone

Via Fantasy Tradar

Calvin Johnson used to be the NFL's most sympathetic figure. Exiled to the NFL's barren wasteland and subjected to passes from the likes of Jon Kitna and Dan Orlovsky, Johnson seemed to be a super hero in need of saving. Except he never asked to be saved and sure as hell didn't want our sympathy. In an environment that drove fellow talented wideouts Roy Williams and Charles Rogers mad -- or maybe they just weren't cut out for it from the beginning -- Johnson remained even-keeled and stayed the course. Maybe he knew his 10 offensive teammates would eventually turn in their dunce caps for officially licensed Detroit Lions helmets. Or maybe he figured there was a quarterback out there somewhere who wouldn't underthrow him 15 yards (Kitna) or overthrow him 15 yards (Orlovsky). Johnson knew from the beginning he could catch anything in the vicinity, it was just a matter of finding a quarterback who didn't define "vicinity" as one fifth of the football field.

Through the first four weeks of the 2011 season, Matthew Stafford is healthy and their defense is finally respectable enough to allow the Lions to open up the playbook on offense. Aided by these factors and a pretty weak schedule (it had to be said), the Lions are looking like a team primed for the Playoffs. Calvin Johnson is the most compelling story of the 2011 Lions season, but in a way not usually seen. Statistically, he's having a breakout season, even though his other four seasons were pretty impressive as well. The big difference this year is Johnson seems to be getting his numbers in accordance with the offense, not despite it. The talent has finally caught up around him, and his patience has payed off. Johnson has turned the popular narrative of perseverance upside down -- the belief in an organization against all odds versus the belief in self.  

Johnson has caught two touchdown passes in each of the Lions first four games. It's difficult to envision a situation in which the Bears are unable to stop him from grabbing two more. I present 25 things easier than keeping Calvin Johnson out of the end zone.

***  

Using chopsticks for the first time.

Watching a Fighting Illini game in its entirety and thinking, "I don't care what anyone says, this team deserves to be 6-0."

Spotting Theo Epstein in a Chicago Starbucks.

Doing a quick Google Image search of "Theo Epstein Wife," noticing Epstein's accomplice is not his wife, but you just wanted to out him as the next Cubs GM, not as an adulterer.

Getting high, eating one of everything from the Wendy's dollar menu, claiming your head is not attached to your body, and falling asleep within the hour.

Coming to a thorough understanding of Ghostface Killah's album, "Supreme Clientele."

Getting the icing on the Toaster Strudel to look like it does in the commercial.

Failing to find someone who, in the middle of mid-70s temperature bliss exclaims, "I just LOVE Fall."

Refraining from the "At least we don't live in Detroit" defense mechanism after the Bears lose tonight.

Respecting the hell out of Aaron Rodgers.

Executing a standing back flip in full pads after missing the first three games of the season due to a calf injury.

Watching Gone With the Wind in one sitting.

Enjoying Gone With the Wind.

Passing out drunk on your dorm room floor at 4 in the morning on Sunday and waking up in time to shower, shave, and eat breakfast before your 8 AM Monday class.

Pretending you couldn't stand The Backstreet Boys' Millenium album when it came out.

Answering your child's question with, "Because," because you don't know the answer to your child's question.

Praising Joe Buck for the way he seamlessly juggles NFL and MLB broadcasts year after year.

Convincing yourself your cleavage-bearing waitress is really into you and not just trying to get a better tip.

Reading Joe Posnanski and thinking, "I have what it takes to be a sports writer."

Engaging in a perfectly normal conversation with your boss.

Enjoying the three hours you just spent with your wife at IKEA -- on football Sunday.

Secretly rooting against your favorite team's players in favor of your fantasy team because "Your real team's season is over anyway."

Resisting the urge to buy 30 dartboards, print out pictures of each of the 30 NBA team owners, and tape a different owner's picture to each dartboard.

Resisting the urge to combine Coke and Pop Rocks. If such a beautiful combination is deadly, you don't want to be alive.

Discovering the true source of Calvin Johnson's powers. HINT: Check underneath the skull cap.

The Romo Years

Many people have theorized as to why we watch sports. Not just our favorite teams, but all teams, all the time. What possesses people to watch portions of every NFL game on Sunday? Or the NCAA tournament in its entirety, featuring teams and players they've never heard of. So many games, most of which we won't remember even a couple months after they happen. The popular answer to this question seems to be: to see the unexpected. It never ceases to amaze how many new things can happen in a sporting event that has been played millions of times -- take the last day of baseball season, for example. As sports fan, we want to see moments like that, moments that will probably only happen once in our lifetime. In order to see these type of moments, we sit through hours of uneventful games to make sure we don't miss anything.

But these moments don't always have to be of the spectacular ilk. It's not talked about enough, but I think a lot of people watch sports to see failure too. Not just the rival team or a particular player, but teams or players who seem to be prone to failing. This is why I think Tony Romo is good and necessary for sports. He's a polarizing player that shouldn't be polarizing. He's a hated athlete that, unless you're a Dallas Cowboys fan, shouldn't really be hated. He's judged either too fairly or too harshly and is the sole reason for a Cowboys' win or loss. He tight-ropes the line between good and bad better than any current athlete in professional American sports. It's fun to watch Tony Romo because he's going to give us those coveted spectacular moments, and also because it shuffles us one game, or even one quarter closer to one of his ultimate meltdowns.

Romo seems to be a good guy. He's never in trouble off the field, he's never ran into the stands and punched someone, and he's never insinuated that sports fans were jealous and miserable people. From what I gather, Tony Romo is hated because he's talked about often. Someone so prone to failing, I think, in the minds of many sports fans, doesn't deserve the time of day. Then there's the other side, who feel Romo is unfairly targeted for his team's failures. It's true that quarterbacks tend to receive the brunt of the blame regardless, but these people look for reasons to bash Romo. For instance, a three interception day could be interpreted as trying to make something out of nothing (an exceptional will to win), rather than fucking up and blowing his team the game. Both sides have an argument, of course.

Tony Romo played one of his quintessential games against the Lions last week. He moved the Cowboys offense down the field at will, connecting with Dez Bryant for Dallas' two touchdowns in the first half, and a third to Jason Witten three minutes into the second half. The Cowboys were up 27-3 and it looked to be a route. It looked to be a route, but those who have watched Tony Romo know better. He promptly threw a Pick-6 on the very next drive. But this Pick-6 was almost too good to be true. The defender was linebacker Bobby Carpenter, current Lion, former Cowboy, and a groomsman in Romo's wedding. Something like this could only happen to Tony Romo and serves to further the mythology surrounding his collapses. Romo throws another Pick-6 on the very next possession and you know where this is going. The Lions are back in the game, score a couple touchdowns of their own, Romo throws another pick at the end of the game and the Cowboys lose. Romo's final line: 34-47, 331 yds, 3 TD, 3 INT, 86.4 QB Rating -- all of his good work in the first half negated.

Performances like this are why Romo can navigate his way through any realm and remain compelling. He can be whatever you want him to be. Use the "Nickname Test" to further this point. Some nicknames could only work for certain players, think Dennis "The Worm" Rodman or William "Refrigerator" Perry. There is nothing distinct about Tony Romo. He's exceptionally good and bad. Here are six random things I just thought of:

Officer Krupke
Hydrogenated Fish Oil
Love Potion No. 9
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
The River Kwai
Anschluss

All six of these could conceivably be nicknames for Tony Romo. Think of six nicknames of your own and they will work just as well. Isn't this what Romo is all about? He cannot be packaged and sold to the masses in the form of a cute, all-encompassing moniker. Pepsi Max used Romo as their spokesperson and failed because they tried to capitalize on his tendency to make mistakes. The commercial was meant to be absurd and came off as plausible:  



In an age where labels are slapped on players seemingly from Day One, Romo defies all categorization. This is what makes him such a compelling sports figure. Dissecting Tom Brady's dominance eventually becomes boring, as does cracking on the futility of the 1990s Clipper teams. Romo keeps us on our toes, with him, there will always be something to talk about and something to see. Fittingly, none of us know what he is yet -- we just know his teams are going to lose when it matters.

Roy Williams' Beautiful (In)Consistency

Roy Williams is much maligned in Chicago because he dropped some preseason receptions and replaced Johnny Knox's pretty hazel eyes in the starting lineup. The Knox situation is obviously indefensible, but Williams' occasional stone hands should come as no surprise. From the University of Texas, to Detroit, to Dallas, the book has been out on Williams. He's going to make some spectacular catches that remind you of how bright his future his. Then he's going to drop some routine passes that remind you he's a ninth-year wide receiver and far too old to be spoken of in terms of potential.

Roy Williams made his name in the NFL by being one of its most remarkably inconsistent players. No one can make the routine catches difficult and the difficult catches routine quite like him. He is one of the poster boys for what the NFL's detractors call a culture of showmanship over substance. He celebrates every first down catch by extending his long right arm and pointing -- no different than the referee's first down signal. Almost every receiver has indicated their own first down at least once in their career but no receiver remains as steadfastly loyal to the gesture as Williams. Williams' first down signal is the one consistency in an otherwise capricious career.

When it comes to Roy Williams, erratic is what we know. So why should his first down celebrations be any different? Rather than replicating the same boring hand signal, Williams should be trying to find new and creative ways to celebrate first downs. Here are a few suggestions.

    

NAME: Unemployment Line, Credit Card Declined

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 5, @Detroit

DESCRIPTION: Historically, there are two appropriate ways to act at an unemployment line. The first is to jam your hands into your coat pockets and look straight ahead. Avoid all eye contact. Hum along to Ben Selvin's "Happy Days Are Here Again." The second is to cross your arms across your chest and look pissed off. Think of all the dumb fucks who still have jobs. The first person who asks for anything as much as the time is getting their head smashed into the concrete wall. Roy Williams doesn't have pockets so he has to settle for the second historically appropriate way to act.

RESULT: The state of Michigan, suffering from the third highest unemployment rate in the US knows the look all too well. They remember Williams was able to escape their dreadful 0-16 team five weeks into the season. Feelings of bitterness begin to fest within Lions fans. They contemplate burning tires late into the morning before realizing their team is 4-1 after defeating the Bears on Monday night. Things are looking up.

 

NAME: I Just Rhymed Kodak With Kodak, Pay Me

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 9, @Philadelphia

DESCRIPTION: Cuban-American rapper Pitbull, despite making a career off of danceable songs, never learned how to dance himself. To cover up his deficiencies, he snaps his fingers and sways from left to right. One suspects young Pitbull picked up these moves from his father who was influenced by the sudden influx of rhythm-retarded Americans vacationing in Havana before the Castro regime. Dr. Pepper was impressed with how well Pitbull hid his inability to cut a rug and scooped him up to promote their equally coy product. Williams adopts the two-snap, left, right, left first down celebration to a chorus of Philly boos.

RESULT: Philly fans do not pick up on the the thinly veiled reference to Mike Vick and the pitbulls he murdered years ago. Had they known they would have become especially offended because Vick gives them the best chance to win a Super Bowl. Philadelphia reporters explain to Vick the connection between Williams' first down celebration and the actions that landed him in prison for almost two years. Vick says all the right things. The NFL Live crew devotes an entire half-hour segment to Vick's new found sincerity.

 

NAME: People Were Doing This Before The 1968 Olympics

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 12, @Oakland

DESCRIPTION: Oakland is a city with a longstanding history of racial division and police brutality. From the city's ashes spawned the Black Panthers, a movement that would both terrify and inspire millions of Americans. In order to pay tribute to what Roy Williams believed was a world-class organization (particularly the free breakfast programs), he celebrates a first down by standing still and raising his right fist. Williams' timing couldn't be worse as the Bears are draped in their two-minute offense with no timeouts. His celebration costs the team a shot at a 48-year Robbie Gould field goal.

RESULT: Williams is accused of reverse racism by the Chicago media. Oakland fans misinterpret the gesture as questioning their manhood. They challenge Williams to a fight -- right there in the visitor's tunnel. The fans become confused and soon direct their misplaced rage at each other. A brawl ensues and results in the arrest of three grown-men painted head to toe in silver. Roy Williams v. O.co Coliseum is still pending.

A Win Is A Win...And The Bears Have Seven Of Them

The Chicago Bears are the worst 7-3 football team in the history of the NFL. Last week, they were the worst 6-3 football team in the history of the NFL. If they beat the Eagles next week they will be the worst 8-3 football team in the history of the NFL. If this is all starting to sound a little silly, it should.
ESPN.com writer Gene Wojciechowski (I triple checked that, it's spelled correctly) was kind enough to offer me an alley-oop. I was planning on addressing all of the excuses that have been made as to why the Bears have been successful this season, and Wojciechowski provided a nice, quick reason/excuse for each Chicago victory this year (minus the Packers, for whatever reason). I believe that his views match up almost perfectly with what I've heard about the Bears all season, so I decided to use his article as a reference point.

On the Lions win: "[The Bears] beat the Detroit Lions in the season opener, but needed a Matthew Stafford injury and a bizarre, last-second nullified touchdown to do it."

When healthy, Stafford is a much better quarterback than back up Shaun Hill, no one is disputing that. However, let's not pretend that Hill hasn't stepped in and played well. In his six starts this season, Hill has thrown for 1544 yards, 10 TDs to 7 INTs, and completed 62 percent of his passes. Not bad numbers at all, especially for a back up quarterback. The Lions were 1-5 in those games, not because of Hill, but because they gave up an average of 28 points per game in those five losses and couldn't run the ball. Hill played the entire second half of the Bears game and the Bears defense held him to his worst half of football this season.
Johnson's nullified touchdown is a tough call. There is a portions of the NFL rulebook that could have interpreted that as a catch, and another part, the part the referee's used, interpreted it as a drop. I'm convinced that Johnson could have came down with the ball in both hands, he chose to swing it to his right hand and payed for it. It's really no different than a receiver making a spectacular catch and coming down with his toe out of bounds.

On the Cowboys win: "[The Bears] beat the spectacularly underachieving Dallas Cowboys on the road for their second win."

I hate this argument. This was the second game of the NFL season. The Cowboys were 0-1, had they underachieved then, after one game? To suggest that the underachieving 1-8 Cowboys are the same team that took the field in the second game of the season is ludicrous. The football season does not remain static, some teams get better as the season goes on, and some get worse.
In Week 2 of the NFL season, the Dallas Cowboys were a Super Bowl favorite playing their first home game of the season. Dallas' D-Line came close to killing Cutler the entire first half, Romo threw for almost 400 yards, and Miles Austin caught 10 passes for 142 yards. The Bears won because they were plus three in the turnover battle, not because the Cowboys were an underachieving team one week into the season, they actually played very good that game.

On the Panthers win: "On the week [the Bears] lost Cutler to a concussion, the schedule gods gave them the Carolina Panthers -- and a win. Carolina is 1-8 this season."

I don't care what the opposing team's record is, if your quarterback (Todd Collins, the worst quarterback to start a NFL game this season) goes 6-16 for 32 yards and 4 INTs, you have no business winning that game. The Bears did because they created three turnovers of their own and held the dynamic Williams-Stewart combo to a combined 81 yards rushing.
The Bears also made a commitment to the run against the Panthers' pitiful rushing defense. Matt Forte scored two touchdowns and ran for 166 yards. When teams like the Patriots exploit other team's weaknesses, they're called smart. When the Bears do, they're lucky to be playing a weak team. It's all part of the double standard.

On the Bills win: "[The Bears'] fifth win came against the then-winless Buffalo Bills. And they didn't even have to play the Bills in Buffalo. Instead, they faced them in Toronto."

Sure, let's just ignore that after their Week 6 bye, the Bills weren't playing great football. They took the Ravens and Chiefs (both 4-2 when the Bills faced them) to overtime in back to back weeks. Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw for 605 yards and 5 touchdowns in both games. The Bills lost to the Bears and then went on to beat the Lions on the road. They're playing much much much better in the last four weeks than they were in the previous five.   
I'm not sure what Wojciechowski was getting at about playing in Toronto. He is aware that Buffalo and Toronto practically border each other, right? If he's suggesting that this was a home game that didn't have the feel of a home game it's because the Bears fans travel well, not because Bills fans couldn't make it to the game.

On the Vikings win: "[The Bears] got win number six against a Minnesota Vikings team that can't stand its coach and is without its best wide receiver."

Am I missing something? Haven't the Vikings hated Chilly for years? Weren't they going to win despite him? And not going to lay down like the Dallas Cowboys? Hasn't Sidney Rice been injured all season? These excuses could have been but weren't used when the Saints, Jets, Packers, and Patriots defeated the Vikings. Double standard, anyone?
Adrian Peterson and Brett Favre have made careers out of beating up on the Bears defense. In this game, they held Peterson to 51 yards, and Favre to 170 passing yards and 3 interceptions the week after his career high 446 yard passing effort against Arizona. If that's not impressive, especially for a team that has struggled historically against both players, I don't know what is.

On the Dolphins win: "And then [the Bears] threw a shutout against the Dolphins, who converted just one third down, had the ball nearly 16 fewer minutes than the Bears and saw Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams rush for a combined 11 yards."

I'm confused, these all seem like compliments to me. So the Dolphins a) couldn't convert on third down, b) lost the time of possession battle, c) had a reshuffled offensive line and couldn't run the ball, and d) started a back up quarterback. And that's why it was OK for Miami to lose? By my calculations, the Bears could have circled A, B, C, D, or E (All of the Above) for every game this season, yet they're 7-3, and being criticized for winning games that the Dolphins are getting a pass for.

The Bears are a flawed team, just like any other in the NFC. I believe they will make the playoffs, and after that, who knows what will happen. The last six games, especially next week at home against Philadelphia, and the three division games on the road will be hugely instrumental in shaping their playoff chances. Luck doesn't last for ten games and it sure doesn't last for sixteen. If the Bears make the playoffs it won't be because they were lucky, but because they deserved it.
For the record, Wojciechowski's summarized argument was, "I don't think the Bears are very good, but they've been so lucky this year, that I wouldn't be surprised if they made it to the Super Bowl." That seems to be everyone's view of the Bears in a nutshell. They're no good but they keep on winning, so I'm not going to be the one to wrongfully pick against them.
Just remember that there's more than one way to win a football game. The 2010 Bears are anything but conventional, but they're getting it done.

Calvin Johnson's (Non) Catch

Who knew that NFL fans would get a quick history lesson after Sunday's Week 1 action. The lesson of course being that any document, whether it's the US Constitution, Magna Carta, or NFL Rulebook is subject to interpretation. And when interpretation is involved, there's bound to be a winner and a loser. No strangers to losing, the Detroit Lions happened to get the short end of the stick (again) this time around.
The NFL rulebook states that in according for a catch to count, a player "must maintain control of the ball after he touches the ground...If he loses control of the ball, and the ball touches the ground before he regains control, the pass is incomplete." In reference to end zones catches, the rules state, "if a player catches the ball while in the end zone, both feet must be completely on the ground before losing possession, or the pass is incomplete."
These two passages seem to contradict each other. The first part would seem to suggest that the call was the right one, that is, if you believe that when Johnson swung his arm around and lost control of the ball was part of the continuation of the catch. The referees clearly did.
On the other hand, the second quoted passage seems to suggest that it's ok for the receiver to lose the ball as long as he has established possession by getting his feet down. Johnson clearly got both feet down, then a knee, and his butt while maintaining possession, then lost the ball when it hit the ground. So which is it, did the fact that he went down in the end zone with possession make it a catch? Or is it only a catch if he follows through with every movement and still retains possession, even after being legally "down?"
Watch Johnson's (non) catch again and again like I have and determine for yourself.
Similar to the US Constitution, arguing about its interpretation usually doesn't accomplish anything. But let me comment on an aspect of Johnson's catch that no one is talking about.
It seems like everbody is disregarding the fact that Johnson made this already difficult catch a lot more difficult than he had to. Watch as Johnson grabs the ball with two hands over Bears defender Zach Bowman. He comes down on both feet and it's not until he begins to turn that he transfers the ball to his right hand. There was no reason to transfer the ball.
Obviously this all happened in less than a second, so it would have been difficult for Johnson to make a conscious decision about how to hold the ball, but holding the ball with one hand is what cost him the catch.
 In no way did transferring the ball help him come down with the catch. He unnecessarily used his left arm to break his fall. Had he held on to the ball with both hands and fell to the ground he would have never lost possession. And even if he did lose possession, we've seen it called a catch before when a receiver gets both feet down with possession and the ground causes a fumble.
In my opinion, if Johnson came down the exact same way he did with both hands on the ball and lost it when the ball hit the ground, that's ruled a catch.
Whether it was a bad call or not, let's put this game into perspective. This game isn't going to be the win that catapults the Bears into the playoffs, or the loss that keeps the Lions from reaching the playoffs. Both team will be lucky to win over five games. If anything, this good/bad call gave NFL fans something to talk about in an otherwise painful game to watch.
By the way, I'm convinced that a call like this could only go against a professional franchise in Detroit or Cleveland. I feel bad for Detroit, but best believe I'm enjoying this victory. Wins won't be easy to come by this year.