For The Next Eight Hours...

[Setting: Airplane flight to London. Chicago Bears players take their seats and settle in. CHRIS HARRIS watches Big Momma's House 2 and engages his Twitter followers in lengthy discussions involving but not limited to institutional racism, ancient Chinese farming techniques, and lemon meringue pie. TIM JENNINGS holds in his hand a Just Wright movie poster. He has photoshopped his face on to Common's body. DEVIN HESTER watches a YouTube compilation of his record-setting TD returns. MATT FORTE quietly listens to his iPod, while LANCE BRIGGS begs him to share one of the buds. JULIUS PEPPERS has had enough of this shit and just wants to hit someone. ROBBIE GOULD and ADAM PODLESH take turns reading chapters of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers. BRIAN URLACHER reaches into his carry-on bag and pulls out a container of Edge Advanced shaving cream and a cheap razor. He asks a stewardess where he can find a damn mirror around here. JAY CUTLER reclines his seat and still manages to slump over. He looks like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world right now.


JAY CUTLER: I'm so excited for this trip, guys. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now.

CHRIS HARRIS: Me too! I've never been to Europe before.

DEVIN HESTER: Europe? I thought we were going to London.

MATT FORTE: [slaps hat off of Hester's head] You deserve one of those everyday for the rest of your life.

LANCE BRIGGS: [Laughs uncontrollably] Good one, Matt. Good one. We -- uh, you got him.

ADAM PODLESH: I don't know about you guys, but I'm really looking forward to seeing the Churchill War Rooms. I'm a bit of a history buff, and that Winston Churchill, oh boy, could he rally the troops.

BRIAN URLACHER: [pointing at PODLESH] Who the fuck is this guy?

ROBBIE GOULD: That's Adam Podlesh, captain. He's our punter. We use him quite often.

BRIAN URLACHER: What happened to the old, bald guy? Brett. I liked him.

ROBBIE GOULD: Brad Maynard. His name was BRAD. You played with him for the last ten years. Jesus.

BRIAN URLACHER: [looking at PODLESH] This dome aint' gonna shave itself, rook.

TIM JENNINGS: [still staring at photoshopped picture of himself and Queen Latifah] Do you guys ever feel like all your hopes and dreams are just out of reach? Like, you just picked off a pass right, and you're running for the end zone, and it keeps getting farther and farther away. You keep running and you're getting nowhere. That's how I feel. I just want to be loved.

JAY CUTLER: Enough with the soft shit. I have some of the finest English trim lined up for us as soon as we step off this plane. You know what they call them across the pond? Birds, that's what they call them. Although I'm not sure if it's as derogatory of a term as whore. Bird sounds kind of nice when you think about it.

DEVIN HESTER: What's the Londish word for "whore?" Miss me with this talk of birds.

JULIUS PEPPERS: [slaps Hester across the face] Listen fuck boy, I better not see you running backwards once in this game. I know some real English goons who've snatched semi-famous rapper's chains and lit garbage cans on fire. They damn sure will have no qualms disposing of you.

JAY CUTLER: We're getting away from the real issue here, which is what to do with all these whores. By my count, I have 16 of them and they're not the best-looking. They're English 10s, which is like an American 5. What I'm saying is, my women, like my interceptions, come in threes. So there's 13 between the 9 of you. Cock slap, sword fight, pussy pinch, whatever you gotta do to get your fill.

LANCE BRIGGS: It's OK, me and Matt can share one, can't we, Matt?

MATT FORTE: [glares at BRIGGS and says nothing]

CHRIS HARRIS: I'm happily married, thank you. But I'd be more than happy to argue about the artistic merits of the Wellington Arch.

ADAM PODLESH: Ooooh, now we're cooking.

MATT FORTE: You guys bore me, I'm going to get up, nut punch the pilot, and fly this plane. I do everything else around here.

LANCE BRIGGS: You sure do. I sympathize with your contract situation. I sympathize with my contract situation. It would be nice to get some respect in the form of money around here. I guess, like Tim, we just want to be loved.

MATT FORTE: Keep my name out your mouth, mother fucker. There is no we. We is not a thing. Our situations are not the same.

BRIAN URLACHER: I went to bat for you dumb ass, Briggs. I offered to take a pay cut years ago. All I hear about is how many Pro Bowls you've made.

LANCE BRIGGS: I've made 6 Pro Bowls.

DEVIN HESTER: Hey tho, ain't London that place where they talkin' funny? [Laughs] Cheerio, and shit.

TIM JENNINGS: [punches Hester in the mouth] Everyday I find myself thinking about sliding between those tree trunk thighs, slowly messaging my Queen's temples as she hums "Poetry Man."

ROBBIE GOULD: I SO love her rendition!

JAY CUTLER: [Laughing] Our boy Jennings over here has his tip tingling over a big pork chop dike.

TIM JENNINGS: What did you call her?

ROBBIE GOULD: A lesbian, Tim. She's fond of women.

[TIM JENNINGS jets towards the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably.]


JAY CUTLER: Hey, wait, don't feel bad. It's happened to all of us. I slept with a beautiful Taiwanese boy at Vandy three times before I realized he was a she. Fuck it. I regret nothing.

ADAM PODLESH: Did you guys know... [pauses] that "Big Ben" as most people think, is not actually the clock tower, but the bell within the clock tower.

JULIUS PEPPERS: I would love to visit.

[Everyone stops and stares at Peppers]


JULIUS PEPPERS: What!? I happen to be a clock connoisseur. My grandfather ignited a passion in me which I didn't know I had. I carry his Swiss pocket watch with me to this day.

DEVIN HESTER: Hold up, Ben Russeyberger has a London clock named after him?

[Urlacher grabs Hester by the head and repeatedly smashes it against the window. Hester falls over, bleeding and unconscious]

BRIAN URLACHER: [While administering the beating] I hear they're ten years behind the American trends in England. This tribal tat should have 'em dropping panties in the club, just like it did for Paris Hilton.

[The players fall asleep for the remaining four hours. Devin Hester may or may not be dead. They awake to a landed plane]


TIM JENNINGS: [Opens door to find thousands of screaming Bears fans in England] They love us! They really love us!

MATT FORTE: I'm hope they're not expecting too much, like a win, for instance.

JAY CUTLER: All I know is, we're gonna give 'em a good show. None of this faggity shit they call football over here. Let's go, men. TRIM, on three.

Reaching For The Lance Briggs Jersey

At one point, ten years ago, it was socially acceptable for a grown man to wear a jersey while going about his everyday life. Not so in 2011. Jersey-wearing has been relegated to either the paying fan in attendance, or (usually football) fan taking in the game at a bar. I'm not sure if I'm alone in this assumption, but I tend to judge people based on the jersey they're wearing. These assumptions are wide-ranging and are based on anything from the player's persona to the age and make of the jersey. For example, a LeBron James Heat jersey warrants a 0 on the 1-10 Respect Scale from me, whereas a Detlef Schrempf Sonics pre-1995 logo change jersey warrants a 10.

I have an issue with men who wear the jersey of a player who has long since played for a particular team. To this day, I spot Cade McNown, Kyle Orton, and Muhsin Muhammad jerseys around Chicago-area bars. I'm sorry, you may be the world's biggest Greg Olsen or Nathan Vasher fan, but those Bears jerseys no longer have any business being worn out in public. There's a few exceptions to the former player rule. First, if a player is retired and his best years were spent with the team on the jersey then it's OK to wear. However, if this former player also spent the twilight of his career, struggling to stay on with a few other teams, these jerseys are unacceptable. If Green Bay fans want to forgive and forget and dust off the ol' Brett Favre number 4, then that's fine. Brett Favre Jets and Vikings jerseys should remain in the back of the closet collecting dust.  Jerseys of a franchise's all-time greats are also acceptable in my book. You'll see a smattering of 34s, 51s, and 89s at Soldier Field this year. It's good to pay homage.

When considering which player's jersey to purchase, I have six simple rules:

1) Don't be fooled by the fan favorite that somehow is beloved even though he sucks at playing his sport. Tony Campana and Brian Scalabrine are better examples than any Bears player.
2) Stay away from the big-contract guy your team just snagged away. This is more of an issue in basketball or baseball where contracts are guaranteed and player productions sometimes falls off once they receive their payday. Julius Peppers is a good football counterexample.
3) Beware of the one-year wonder. These are sometimes hard to identify, but a good bet is on a guy who was drafted in the late-first or second round of the NBA draft, a closer, or a Pro Bowl special teams player.
4) Make sure the player in question will be with your team for at least three more years -- there's nothing worse (in the jersey purchasing world) than ponying up 80+ dollars for a jersey of a player who is traded or leaves as a free-agent a year later. It is almost impossible to predict trades, but age, production, contract situation, team needs, and how close or far away a team is from contending are good indicators. If there's even a hint of a player testing the free-agent waters, hold off on his jersey purchase.
5) If a player how gotten into even the slightest bit of off the field trouble, reevaluate the jersey purchase. This is the hardest point to adhere to, mainly because an athlete's character is often misunderstood or overblown to move along a slow news day.
6) Under no circumstances should you buy a LeBron James Heat jersey.

Lance Briggs is the only NFL jersey I have ever owned. I always wanted an NFL jersey to wear on Sundays. As luck would have it, my girlfriend and my anniversary was/is a week before the start of football season. She needed a gift idea and I was more than happy to suggest a Bears jersey. I wrote last year about the general lack of excitement surrounding the Bears before the start of the season. At the time, Briggs seemed to be the only Bear worthy of a jersey purchase.

I proudly wore my Briggs jersey during every game last year. Little did I know, I broke rule number 5 on my list. Lance Briggs hasn't had any pressing off the field issues -- unless you want to count the time he crashed his Lamborghini on Edens Expressway and left the scene under mysterious circumstances. It's kind of amazing this didn't draw more ire than it did.

Briggs does however have a reputation for being a bit of headcase. After being hit with the franchise tag in 2007 to prevent him from becoming a free-agent he demanded a trade, and, among other things said, "I've played my last snap for them. I'll never play another down for Chicago again." The Bears caved and Briggs received a 6-year deal worth up to 36 million before the 2007 season and is currently looking for a new deal.

I understand the lack of guaranteed contracts combined with football's inherent injury risk places players in a difficult situation. They feel they should be compensated relative to what the next guy with similar production is getting. They can be cut or suffer a career ending injury at any time, lose guaranteed millions and most people won't blink an eye. There's a sense of urgency from NFL players to get paid NOW, and there has to be. I understand, but how many contract squabbles are too many?

To tie everything together, since I believe everything comes back around, I wonder: how will people judge a man in a Lance Briggs jersey? Not warmly, I presume. Especially if Briggs' contract talk, or lack thereof, seems to have an impact on the season. Briggs has not played a down of preseason football due to injury. Just as the man wearing the LeBron James 6 navigates his way through life constantly being shot sideways glances, I too am prepared for a potential Lance Briggs backlash. If wearing his jersey means I'll be looked at as a whining, insecure, money grabber who needs to be coddled and reaffirmed of his place in the world, then so be it. The jersey fits, after all.

Todd Collins Or Tom Collins?

If you're like me you cringed a little bit when you saw Jay Cutler was going to be held out of Sunday's game for precautionary reasons after suffering a concussion. I spent all of last year bashing Cutler, and while I haven't got my fill just yet, I wish he was starting against the Panthers.
It's one of those situations where I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. Sure, Cutler made some stupid decisions, but he was also competent in some areas. Like throwing the ball beyond 20 yards, and avoiding almost constant pressure.
Back up Todd Collins, this Sunday's starter, appears less than competent in both areas. It's funny reading about Collins. His crowning NFL achievement was leading the 2007 Redskins to three straight victories at the end up the season after stepping in for the injured Jason Campbell.
Jay Cutler equalled the 15 year veteran's greatest professional accomplishment in the first three weeks of this season.
So who is Todd Collins, and how can he help us win this game? Truthfully, I don't know. The only thing I can think of when I hear his name is a Tom Collins. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. Come to think of it, the 2010 Bears are a lot like a Tom Collins.

The Tom Collins alcoholic beverage is made with:
2 oz. gin
1 oz. lemon juice
1 tsp superfine sugar
3 oz. club soda
1 maraschino cherry
1 slice orange
GIN - Todd Collins is clearly the gin of this team. He's a necessary component of the team. Every team needs a quarterback, right? But if you could avoid him you would. Kind of like how you would never drink gin straight. At least I hope you wouldn't.
LEMON JUICE - Julius Peppers. The lemon juice is what makes this drink. It's why fans of the drink range from college students to old women. Peppers is the sole reason why the Bears are 3-1. He's put the entire defense on his back, and carried them well beyond what his stats indicate. If only he could be in two places at once, and take Tommie Harris' spot.
SUGAR - Devin Hester and the entire special team's unit. You could probably drink a Tom Collins without sugar. I haven't tried it, it probably tastes OK. But as long as you have the sugar, why wouldn't you add it? Hester's special teams play gives the Bears the extra kick. He's the difference between a decent team and a good team. Expecting consistent touchdowns from him is unreasonable, but it's not too much to ask to pick a hole, and run straight, full speed ahead.
CLUB SODA - Brian Urlacher. Club soda is the wild card of this drink. It can be replaced with carbonated variations and still garner the same results. It looked like Urlacher was replaceable a few years ago. We could have brought a younger linebacker in to take his place, but it just wouldn't have been the same. Urlacher used to be, and probably still is one of the most popular players in the league. At this point, it's good to see him start the year off right. And for now, he's irreplaceable.
CHERRY AND ORANGE SLICE - Matt Forte and the running game. The cherry and orange slice add more to the presentation of the drink rather than the actual taste. You could order a Tom Collins at a bar and even though it would taste the same, you would feel jipped if they didn't give you the cherry and orange to go with. That's how I feel about the Bears running game. At best, we're only going to average 75 to 80 yards a game on the ground. Our defense, and to a lesser extent, our passing attack are going to win us games. The run game is more about the presentation, to make us look like we're a complete team. So analysts can feel confident picking us, without feeling guilty about picking a team with no running game.
Cheers to Tom, I mean, Todd Collins! If you survive Sunday's game, I'm sure someone, somewhere will buy you a drink.

Two Weeks Until Bears Season Opener, Where's The Excitement?

I was in Chicago Saturday afternoon, and on my way back to the train station I ran into the crowd arriving for the Bears preseason game against the Cardinals. Amongst the dark blues, oranges, whites, and ghastly pink uniforms, I noticed a change. A shift in jersey-wearing if you will.
The typical 54s, 23s, and 6s were replaced by 34s, 51s, and 89s (Walter Payton, Dick Butkus, and Mike Ditka for the youngsters and uneducated).
I began to wonder about the possible causes for the throwback uniforms and came up with a few different explanations.
1) The typical best-sellers (Urlacher, Hester, and Cutler) have been disappointing. Already on the decline, Urlacher suffered a season-ending injury in Week 1 last season and has been banged up through out the preseason as well. Memories from his Defensive MVP days of the early 2000s have long since faded away. In fact, Urlacher has been reduced to making cameos on Entourage to stay relevant.
Hester is currently a slot receiver masquerading as a number 1. No longer a threat on punt and kick returns, his value has diminished tremendously.
Despite throwing for over 3600 yards and 27 TDs, Cutler's first year in a Bears uniform was defined by his 26 INTs, many of them in the red zone. While many astute observers have noted his lack of competent receivers and offensive lineman, it doesn't diminish the fact that his decision making is questionable at best and leadership qualities are non existent.
You can't really blame fans for being ashamed of wearing any of these three players jerseys.

2) Julius Peppers is experiencing the "Jay Cutler Hangover." I'll use the "Jay Cutler Hangover" in reference to a big name offseason addition that doesn't live up to the preseason hype. Peppers was the best free agent available this offseason and he joins a talented but underachieving defensive line. By all means, some excitement (and jersey sales) should have been generated from this acquisition.
But the fans know better. They don't want to go ape-shit supporting Peppers only to find out he has a bad season next year. Cutler ruined it for him. Bears fans won't be as quick to embrace a big name who hasn't played a down for them yet.
Of course, if Peppers records four sacks in his first two games, things will change.
3) After 2004, that Jerry Azumah jersey didn't get much wear. Remember Jerry Azumah? He had one great year, made the Pro Bowl as a return specialist and quietly retired two years later. I'm not suggesting Johnny Knox will be out of the league in two years, but there are some questions about how he'll fit into the offense. While he also made the Pro Bowl last year, it's unclear what kind of role he will play in the offense this year.
With the possibility of Knox being a one year wonder, not too many people will be rocking number 13 this year. But look on the bright side, Hall of Fame center George Trafton (of the Decatur Staleys) wore number 13. So if you can get a jersey without the name on the back you'll be fine.
By my calculations, the only jerseys left are Lance Briggs, Matt Forte, and Robbie Gould (I'm filing Chester Taylor under category 2). Forte had a terrible year last year, which is attributed more to the offensive line than anything he did. This year he'll be splitting time with Taylor, so who knows how good he'll be.
Robbie Gould is a kicker. If you're wearing the jersey of a kicker that reflects poorly on yourself and your team. Under no circumstances should you be wearing a kicker's jersey. One exception: Adam Vinatieri in his New England days, and that's only because his leg clinched two Super Bowls.
That leaves Briggs. As a Bears fan, that's the only current player's jersey I would recommend. He's been the best player on defense for at least the last four years and has remained healthy. He's a lock for the Pro Bowl every year. He's been so good that most of us fans have forgotten that just three years ago he demanded a trade and said he's never play another down for the Bears again.
Combine an atrocious preseason, a division with two legitimate Super Bowl contenders, and a brutal schedule, and you have the 2010-11 Bears season that no one has high hopes for. This is the first season in the last decade I can remember where no one thinks the Bears have a chance at making the playoffs, not even their own fans.    
So where do you turn when things look hopeless? To the good ol' days. That's the attraction of wearing a Payton, Butkus, or Ditka jersey. They're Hall of Famers. They aren't going to fumble the ball, miss a tackle, or drop a pass. They aren't going to be traded or have a poor season.
They can do no wrong, a strong contrast from what is expected of the Bears this year.