NFLPA Declares Football "Not Gay"

After fielding complaints from various NFL players, the NFLPA has declared that players "need not feel insecure about their sexuality." After reviewing an extensive amount of football situations that could be labelled as "homosexual friendly," the NFLPA found no evidence that the label should stand.
"It was important for us to protect our players," said executive director DeMaurice Smith. "And they were extremely concerned about their image. Specifically being thought of as gay."
The main issue in question was whether the players were projecting a homosexual image by slapping each other on the ass after making a good play.
"I think under normal circumstances two chiseled, testosterone-filled, 250 pound men slapping each other on the ass would be considered gay," Smith said. "But in the heat of the moment it's understandable. Say for instance, they were to high five. That would definitely be gayer."
Another issue brought up at the meeting was the quarterback-center dynamic. Specifically, the quarterback reaching in between the center's legs to receive the snap.
Said an anonymous quarterback, "I have enough things running through my mind at the line of scrimmage. I'm worrying about reading the defense, possibly calling an audible. The last thing I need to worry about is if I'm grabbing the wrong ball."
NFLPA president Kevin Mawae, a center himself said, "This was an issue that we spent quite a bit of time discussing. But quite frankly, we feel the increased use of the shotgun formation protects the quarterback and center from potentially gay situations."
The NFLPA plans to conduct studies on the possible psychological effects of players on teams who sport "significantly gay" colors. The main teams in question would be the Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay Packers.
"All in all we have nothing to worry about," Smith reiterated. "I mean, look at soccer. Now that's a gay sport. A bunch of guys running around a field and the minute another player so much as touches another player a foul is called. How straight could a sport be if a grown man isn't allowed to chase, wrap up and bring another grown man to the ground."