Things Easier Than Keeping Calvin Johnson Out of the End Zone

Via Fantasy Tradar

Calvin Johnson used to be the NFL's most sympathetic figure. Exiled to the NFL's barren wasteland and subjected to passes from the likes of Jon Kitna and Dan Orlovsky, Johnson seemed to be a super hero in need of saving. Except he never asked to be saved and sure as hell didn't want our sympathy. In an environment that drove fellow talented wideouts Roy Williams and Charles Rogers mad -- or maybe they just weren't cut out for it from the beginning -- Johnson remained even-keeled and stayed the course. Maybe he knew his 10 offensive teammates would eventually turn in their dunce caps for officially licensed Detroit Lions helmets. Or maybe he figured there was a quarterback out there somewhere who wouldn't underthrow him 15 yards (Kitna) or overthrow him 15 yards (Orlovsky). Johnson knew from the beginning he could catch anything in the vicinity, it was just a matter of finding a quarterback who didn't define "vicinity" as one fifth of the football field.

Through the first four weeks of the 2011 season, Matthew Stafford is healthy and their defense is finally respectable enough to allow the Lions to open up the playbook on offense. Aided by these factors and a pretty weak schedule (it had to be said), the Lions are looking like a team primed for the Playoffs. Calvin Johnson is the most compelling story of the 2011 Lions season, but in a way not usually seen. Statistically, he's having a breakout season, even though his other four seasons were pretty impressive as well. The big difference this year is Johnson seems to be getting his numbers in accordance with the offense, not despite it. The talent has finally caught up around him, and his patience has payed off. Johnson has turned the popular narrative of perseverance upside down -- the belief in an organization against all odds versus the belief in self.  

Johnson has caught two touchdown passes in each of the Lions first four games. It's difficult to envision a situation in which the Bears are unable to stop him from grabbing two more. I present 25 things easier than keeping Calvin Johnson out of the end zone.

***  

Using chopsticks for the first time.

Watching a Fighting Illini game in its entirety and thinking, "I don't care what anyone says, this team deserves to be 6-0."

Spotting Theo Epstein in a Chicago Starbucks.

Doing a quick Google Image search of "Theo Epstein Wife," noticing Epstein's accomplice is not his wife, but you just wanted to out him as the next Cubs GM, not as an adulterer.

Getting high, eating one of everything from the Wendy's dollar menu, claiming your head is not attached to your body, and falling asleep within the hour.

Coming to a thorough understanding of Ghostface Killah's album, "Supreme Clientele."

Getting the icing on the Toaster Strudel to look like it does in the commercial.

Failing to find someone who, in the middle of mid-70s temperature bliss exclaims, "I just LOVE Fall."

Refraining from the "At least we don't live in Detroit" defense mechanism after the Bears lose tonight.

Respecting the hell out of Aaron Rodgers.

Executing a standing back flip in full pads after missing the first three games of the season due to a calf injury.

Watching Gone With the Wind in one sitting.

Enjoying Gone With the Wind.

Passing out drunk on your dorm room floor at 4 in the morning on Sunday and waking up in time to shower, shave, and eat breakfast before your 8 AM Monday class.

Pretending you couldn't stand The Backstreet Boys' Millenium album when it came out.

Answering your child's question with, "Because," because you don't know the answer to your child's question.

Praising Joe Buck for the way he seamlessly juggles NFL and MLB broadcasts year after year.

Convincing yourself your cleavage-bearing waitress is really into you and not just trying to get a better tip.

Reading Joe Posnanski and thinking, "I have what it takes to be a sports writer."

Engaging in a perfectly normal conversation with your boss.

Enjoying the three hours you just spent with your wife at IKEA -- on football Sunday.

Secretly rooting against your favorite team's players in favor of your fantasy team because "Your real team's season is over anyway."

Resisting the urge to buy 30 dartboards, print out pictures of each of the 30 NBA team owners, and tape a different owner's picture to each dartboard.

Resisting the urge to combine Coke and Pop Rocks. If such a beautiful combination is deadly, you don't want to be alive.

Discovering the true source of Calvin Johnson's powers. HINT: Check underneath the skull cap.

No Cussing In The House

Blogs With Balls is a New York-based sports blogger convention, now four years running. Those fortunate enough to attend put on their one good shirt and pair of pants, comb their hair for the first time in months, and Google search "How to tie Windsor tie." Or maybe that's just what I would do -- assuming I had the money and status worthy of attending. I think it's more about the money, as anyone can buy a ticket. Anyway, BWB presents various awards at their convention as if to say, "We're not here to celebrate mainstream print media, but we are here to celebrate mainstream electronic media!"

Joe Posnanski, the best sports writer alive, took home the award for Best Writer in something called the "Untitled Sports Media Award Project." I don't know what this means, and evidently, neither does he. It has Best Writer attached to it so we can assume the award was given to the right person. What struck me was an excerpt from Posnanski's acceptance speech, read for him because he was unable to attend:


I never expected to win this award because I generally don't swear, and I suspected that swearing would be a requirement for being named the best sportswriter on the Internet. I don't swear because I'm terrible at it, by the way. Every time I swear, I intend to sound like a character in a David Mamet play, but I end up sounding like Willis from the Jeffersons. At some point you have to know your place in the world. And my place is making outdated references to 1970s sitcoms and to not swear while doing it.


Posnanski's quip is reminiscent of the quick, but legendary beef between Will Smith and Eminem. Will Smith accepted his 1998 VMA award for "Best Male Video," the one called "Just the Two of Us," featuring his oldest son. He said something like this:

  


WOOOO. This is amazing, look at this little moon man. MOON MAN! A special thanks to my son, Trey, who appeared in the video. No, not Jaden, the son you guy's have heard of. This is 1998, remember? Jaden's only a couple of months old, and my daughter, the one who whips her hair -- she isn't even born yet! In 13 years Trey isn't going to be into the show business thing, so we won't acknowledge him anymore. Big Willie Style, ya heard the album! But f'real, this video was really important for me to do with my son. And what I'm most proud of is I can make music, clean music that I can play in front of him. Today's hip-hop music is filled with guns, drugs, and cussing. I've made a career out of everything opposite of that and still stand before you with this award. Thank you. WOOOO.


In attendance, slumped in his chair and high on a combination of amphetamines and X pills, Eminem takes in Will Smith's speech. He interprets it as a shot at him and his Aftermath record label mates specifically. He responds at the 1:40 mark of "The Real Slim Shady:"  




Was Posnanski taking a subtle shot at bloggers less adept at expressing themselves? Did Will Smith have Eminem specifically in mind? We'll never know on either account. What I do know is Posnanski managed to turn his statement around and play a joke on himself, as well as inadvertently cause this blogger to revisit a hip-hop song and "beef" just as outdated as The Jeffersons.

Posnanski, you're a fucking genius.