Roy Williams' Beautiful (In)Consistency

Roy Williams is much maligned in Chicago because he dropped some preseason receptions and replaced Johnny Knox's pretty hazel eyes in the starting lineup. The Knox situation is obviously indefensible, but Williams' occasional stone hands should come as no surprise. From the University of Texas, to Detroit, to Dallas, the book has been out on Williams. He's going to make some spectacular catches that remind you of how bright his future his. Then he's going to drop some routine passes that remind you he's a ninth-year wide receiver and far too old to be spoken of in terms of potential.

Roy Williams made his name in the NFL by being one of its most remarkably inconsistent players. No one can make the routine catches difficult and the difficult catches routine quite like him. He is one of the poster boys for what the NFL's detractors call a culture of showmanship over substance. He celebrates every first down catch by extending his long right arm and pointing -- no different than the referee's first down signal. Almost every receiver has indicated their own first down at least once in their career but no receiver remains as steadfastly loyal to the gesture as Williams. Williams' first down signal is the one consistency in an otherwise capricious career.

When it comes to Roy Williams, erratic is what we know. So why should his first down celebrations be any different? Rather than replicating the same boring hand signal, Williams should be trying to find new and creative ways to celebrate first downs. Here are a few suggestions.

    

NAME: Unemployment Line, Credit Card Declined

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 5, @Detroit

DESCRIPTION: Historically, there are two appropriate ways to act at an unemployment line. The first is to jam your hands into your coat pockets and look straight ahead. Avoid all eye contact. Hum along to Ben Selvin's "Happy Days Are Here Again." The second is to cross your arms across your chest and look pissed off. Think of all the dumb fucks who still have jobs. The first person who asks for anything as much as the time is getting their head smashed into the concrete wall. Roy Williams doesn't have pockets so he has to settle for the second historically appropriate way to act.

RESULT: The state of Michigan, suffering from the third highest unemployment rate in the US knows the look all too well. They remember Williams was able to escape their dreadful 0-16 team five weeks into the season. Feelings of bitterness begin to fest within Lions fans. They contemplate burning tires late into the morning before realizing their team is 4-1 after defeating the Bears on Monday night. Things are looking up.

 

NAME: I Just Rhymed Kodak With Kodak, Pay Me

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 9, @Philadelphia

DESCRIPTION: Cuban-American rapper Pitbull, despite making a career off of danceable songs, never learned how to dance himself. To cover up his deficiencies, he snaps his fingers and sways from left to right. One suspects young Pitbull picked up these moves from his father who was influenced by the sudden influx of rhythm-retarded Americans vacationing in Havana before the Castro regime. Dr. Pepper was impressed with how well Pitbull hid his inability to cut a rug and scooped him up to promote their equally coy product. Williams adopts the two-snap, left, right, left first down celebration to a chorus of Philly boos.

RESULT: Philly fans do not pick up on the the thinly veiled reference to Mike Vick and the pitbulls he murdered years ago. Had they known they would have become especially offended because Vick gives them the best chance to win a Super Bowl. Philadelphia reporters explain to Vick the connection between Williams' first down celebration and the actions that landed him in prison for almost two years. Vick says all the right things. The NFL Live crew devotes an entire half-hour segment to Vick's new found sincerity.

 

NAME: People Were Doing This Before The 1968 Olympics

GAME TO UNVEIL: Week 12, @Oakland

DESCRIPTION: Oakland is a city with a longstanding history of racial division and police brutality. From the city's ashes spawned the Black Panthers, a movement that would both terrify and inspire millions of Americans. In order to pay tribute to what Roy Williams believed was a world-class organization (particularly the free breakfast programs), he celebrates a first down by standing still and raising his right fist. Williams' timing couldn't be worse as the Bears are draped in their two-minute offense with no timeouts. His celebration costs the team a shot at a 48-year Robbie Gould field goal.

RESULT: Williams is accused of reverse racism by the Chicago media. Oakland fans misinterpret the gesture as questioning their manhood. They challenge Williams to a fight -- right there in the visitor's tunnel. The fans become confused and soon direct their misplaced rage at each other. A brawl ensues and results in the arrest of three grown-men painted head to toe in silver. Roy Williams v. O.co Coliseum is still pending.