CUTLER: Here, drink this.
HANIE: I really shouldn't.
CUTLER: DRINK.
HANIE: If you say so.
CUTLER: It will help you deal with that prick Shane Day.
HANIE: [Finishes glass, Cutler fills him up] I hate that prick. Did you know he wasn't even a quarterback in college. He was a fucking wide receiver. How is he qualified to be a quarterbacks coach?
CUTLER: I did know that. Believe me -- I do my homework. I remind the weasel of his past everyday. I also put Super Glue on the temple covers of his glasses.
HANIE: I feel like I cost us the game.
CUTLER: You did cost us the game. But it's OK. The important thing is to never admit you cost your team the game. Talk about how Oakland is a hostile environment and you can't help but feel dragged down by the protests and year-long Halloween parties. Talk about how you and your receivers are not yet on the same page. Mention how Johnny Knox seems to be playing on a fucking Slip-N-Slide every week. It's not hard, Caleb. It really isn't think. Think of what they want you to say and then say the opposite. Or rely on the one-word response. Whichever.
HANIE: I've placed so much pressure on myself. I just....
CUTLER: I understand. Your family, your beautiful wife, were in attendance. You embarrassed them. They were too afraid to even show up in Bears gear. You dad wanted desperately to cheer when we got back within 5 and he couldn't. He knew you weren't driving the team down the field to win the game.
HANIE: [tears forming] I just wanted to prove....to prove to everyone I could play quarterback in this league. My whole life....I've waited....for this moment. And I couldn't come through.
CUTLER: You can't be so hard on yourself. You'll never succeed in this league with that kind of mentality. Putting all this pressure on yourself -- it's leads to some crazy things. Do you want multiple neck surgeries? Do you want to knock up two women concurrently? Take a look in the mirror. This is where your life is heading.
HANIE: [sobbing loudly now] I've always been....I've always been taught....that winning....winning is everything. You should....you should always do your best....but sometimes your best is not good enough. And then....then it's OK to hate yourself.
CUTLER: CHRIST ALMIGHTY! It's a football game. I emphasize the "game" part for a reason. Play them. Not just on the field, but off. Blame Martz. He didn't put you in position to succeed. End of the second quarter, 2nd and 1 on Oakland's 7-yard line, and what does the asshole do? He calls a misdirection pass across the field. That was one of the STUPIDEST FUCKING THINGS I've seen in my life. Pound the rock, goddamnit....
HANIE: But if I would have made a better throw....
CUTLER: Bullshit! That's the type of play where you call timeout and tell Martz to "Fuck Off." I'm serious. If he pulls that shit next week, I expect you to call timeout and tell him to "Fuck Off." Make sure to tell Shane Day to fuck off too, for good measure.
HANIE: What about when I overshot Forte by a good 10 yards?
CUTLER: [fills Hanie's glass back up] It was you FIRST CAREER START. These things happen. Remember your first fuck? We've all fucked a kneecap for a couple minutes before realizing....
HANIE: I just want it to get better. I want my teammates to look me in the eye and say....
CUTLER: You NEVER want your teammates looking you in the eye -- for any reason. Take my word. Let them do their jobs and yours if need be. Our defense is fucking maniacal. You were giving Oakland plenty of good starting field and the D was just clamping the fuck down. That's what they do. They like the challenge. They're used to having to win games by themselves. Let them do it. If an alcoholic wants a drink, the best thing you can do is give him one.
HANIE: So you're saying....what are you saying?
CUTLER: I'm saying that you don't have to live within your means. Look -- you're never going to have my talent. The throws I make look easy -- you can't make those throws. But that shouldn't stop you from trying. You have people you can blame and other people to bail you out when you fuck up. Use them. Play each game like it's your last. This will be your only chance to ever start in the NFL. Don't let your inhibitions hold you back. 'Let It Fly' -- this is my motto, and a damn good one to live by.
HANIE puts his face down to the table. He remains silent, struggling between CUTLER's advice, and his own, which demands perfection and accountability. He's torn. He feels like vomiting and even dry heaves multiple times. CUTLER notices and feels now is a better time than ever.
CUTLER: Hey Caleb -- I know you've had a really rough go of it lately. So -- well -- I wanted to get you a little something. Just to let you know I'm in your corner.
HANIE: [taken aback] A gift? You didn't have to do that.
CUTLER: I know, but it's Christmas time, and well, here.
CUTLER hands HANIE a greeting card, sealed in a navy blue envelope. HANIE pulls out the card and three Trojan Large condoms.
CUTLER: Ahh, shit. Those weren't supposed to be in there.
HANIE hands CUTLER the condoms and takes the card out of the envelope. On the front is a picture of a smiling Jay Cutler with the heading, 'Who Treats his Back-Up Well?' The inside says, '#CuttyDoesIt.' Suddenly the card begins to play music. The tune is one HANIE recognizes but cannot place. This is the jingle.
HANIE: [Begins to recognize where he has heard this music before] Whaaa.......Whaaa........You didn't?!?!
CUTLER: [laughing] Let's head out to the parking lot.
HANIE: [screams and jumps into CUTLER's arms] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I FEEL LIKE I'M ON OPRAH!!!!!!!!
CUTLER: That's right, baby! Jay Cutty's coming back Christmas Day to beat those Green Bay faggots. MERRY MOTHER FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS.
Caleb Hanie drives home in his new Lexus with a beaming smile on his face. He leaves the bow on top. He jams to America's greatest hits and thinks to himself, 'Cutty will win us a Super Bowl one day!'
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