Cheesin' With Arian Foster

Mission Bay High School Class of 2003

NAME: Arian Foster

Voted: Most Likely to Have Already Succeeded

Voted: Best Smile

Profile pictures, those found on Facebook or buried within the depths of yearbooks, define a person. Or at least we've convinced ourselves of this. Who takes a single picture anymore? We must take two or even three -- just in case -- and this in the digital camera age where we can see immediately what the pictures look like. Recall the irreparable scrutiny you've directed at a certain picture, most likely your own. Smile: too big or too small. Eyes: too open or too closed. Hair: too much gel or too little. Glasses, acne, braces -- the list goes on. There always seems to be something preventing a "good" picture. The irony of course being a "good" picture says absolutely nothing about a person. A "good" picture -- perfect smile, hair, and all -- is nothing more than a stoic Sears catalog rip-off meant to mask even the slightest hint of personality or feeling. Arian Foster, in his 2011 NFL profile picture, aimed to be more than a mannequin. He was resoundingly successful.

Heading into the 2010 season, Arian Foster was a relative unknown, existing in the memories of whiskey-soaked Tennesseans living on the outskirts of society, and that's about it. Foster signed with the Texans as an undrafted free agent two years ago and played sparingly his rookie season. He took over as Houston's starter in Week 1 of last season and never relinquished his spot. In fact, he led the league in rushing, became that year's fantasy football savior, and didn't seem to give a damn about any of it. 

Foster isn't cut from the typical athlete's cloth. He writes poetry and majored in philosophy. The meaning of this is unclear, but it's suffice it to say Foster spends more time thinking critically about (I'm not even going to contemplate), than the average player, who finds meaning in a crushing hit or a 25-yard wheel route. It's tough to diagnose whether deep-thinkers are more prone to fail or succeed in the NFL. In one sense, Foster most certainly realizes last week's performance doesn't define him, for better or worse, as a person. This can save him from heaping unnecessary amounts of stress on himself, and allow him to play freer and better. On the flip side, understanding how inherently silly it is to risk life-long injury to advance a ball a couple of feet can prompt one to smoke lots of weed and move to India to teach yoga (see: Williams, Ricky).

In his profile picture, Foster sports the classic half-smile -- non-commitment in its finest form. We should expect nothing less from a man who lives by the Mike Jones axiom, "Back then they didn't want me. Now I'm hot, they all up on me." He's non-committal because he realizes what he's posing for. Foster's picture will be used to define the football player, often confused as the person. He was one of the first to speak out against the fantasy football commodification of human beings, which isn't all that different from the commodification of human beings in real football. What better way to establish himself as more than a fantasy point total than to take a picture like this? Beyond skepticism, I see the cockiness in Foster's half-smile that comes with leading the league in rushing. These are the things I believe he is trying to tell us in this picture:

Arian Foster is a man who just might finish with more receiving yards than rushing yards this year -- because he can.

Arian Foster's poetry is more authentic because it isn't written for mass consumption.

Arian Foster's celebratory bow after every touchdown (a reference to Namaste, a greeting native to India) is a conscious attempt at trying to appear smart.

Arian Foster beds many beautiful women.

Arian Foster visits Twitter just to see how the unenlightened live.

Arian Foster knows you -- "you" encompassing his detractors and supporters -- can't wait to categorize him as a washed-up running back. This motivates him.

It's difficult to stand out in a faceless sport. If a player's hair doesn't fall out of his helmet like Troy Polamalu or Clay Matthews, he can very easily, barring mistakes, dredge through seventeen weeks unnoticed. Speed and jumping ability are other distinguishing characteristics, but these abilities fade. The preseason profile pictures are one of the last ways a player can show any individuality without drawing a 15-yard penalty. It's a shame only Arian Foster and a few others know or take advantage of this.