[Setting: Airplane flight to London. Chicago Bears players take their seats and settle in. CHRIS HARRIS watches Big Momma's House 2 and engages his Twitter followers in lengthy discussions involving but not limited to institutional racism, ancient Chinese farming techniques, and lemon meringue pie. TIM JENNINGS holds in his hand a Just Wright movie poster. He has photoshopped his face on to Common's body. DEVIN HESTER watches a YouTube compilation of his record-setting TD returns. MATT FORTE quietly listens to his iPod, while LANCE BRIGGS begs him to share one of the buds. JULIUS PEPPERS has had enough of this shit and just wants to hit someone. ROBBIE GOULD and ADAM PODLESH take turns reading chapters of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers. BRIAN URLACHER reaches into his carry-on bag and pulls out a container of Edge Advanced shaving cream and a cheap razor. He asks a stewardess where he can find a damn mirror around here. JAY CUTLER reclines his seat and still manages to slump over. He looks like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world right now.
JAY CUTLER: I'm so excited for this trip, guys. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now.
CHRIS HARRIS: Me too! I've never been to Europe before.
DEVIN HESTER: Europe? I thought we were going to London.
MATT FORTE: [slaps hat off of Hester's head] You deserve one of those everyday for the rest of your life.
LANCE BRIGGS: [Laughs uncontrollably] Good one, Matt. Good one. We -- uh, you got him.
ADAM PODLESH: I don't know about you guys, but I'm really looking forward to seeing the Churchill War Rooms. I'm a bit of a history buff, and that Winston Churchill, oh boy, could he rally the troops.
BRIAN URLACHER: [pointing at PODLESH] Who the fuck is this guy?
ROBBIE GOULD: That's Adam Podlesh, captain. He's our punter. We use him quite often.
BRIAN URLACHER: What happened to the old, bald guy? Brett. I liked him.
ROBBIE GOULD: Brad Maynard. His name was BRAD. You played with him for the last ten years. Jesus.
BRIAN URLACHER: [looking at PODLESH] This dome aint' gonna shave itself, rook.
TIM JENNINGS: [still staring at photoshopped picture of himself and Queen Latifah] Do you guys ever feel like all your hopes and dreams are just out of reach? Like, you just picked off a pass right, and you're running for the end zone, and it keeps getting farther and farther away. You keep running and you're getting nowhere. That's how I feel. I just want to be loved.
JAY CUTLER: Enough with the soft shit. I have some of the finest English trim lined up for us as soon as we step off this plane. You know what they call them across the pond? Birds, that's what they call them. Although I'm not sure if it's as derogatory of a term as whore. Bird sounds kind of nice when you think about it.
DEVIN HESTER: What's the Londish word for "whore?" Miss me with this talk of birds.
JULIUS PEPPERS: [slaps Hester across the face] Listen fuck boy, I better not see you running backwards once in this game. I know some real English goons who've snatched semi-famous rapper's chains and lit garbage cans on fire. They damn sure will have no qualms disposing of you.
JAY CUTLER: We're getting away from the real issue here, which is what to do with all these whores. By my count, I have 16 of them and they're not the best-looking. They're English 10s, which is like an American 5. What I'm saying is, my women, like my interceptions, come in threes. So there's 13 between the 9 of you. Cock slap, sword fight, pussy pinch, whatever you gotta do to get your fill.
LANCE BRIGGS: It's OK, me and Matt can share one, can't we, Matt?
MATT FORTE: [glares at BRIGGS and says nothing]
CHRIS HARRIS: I'm happily married, thank you. But I'd be more than happy to argue about the artistic merits of the Wellington Arch.
ADAM PODLESH: Ooooh, now we're cooking.
MATT FORTE: You guys bore me, I'm going to get up, nut punch the pilot, and fly this plane. I do everything else around here.
LANCE BRIGGS: You sure do. I sympathize with your contract situation. I sympathize with my contract situation. It would be nice to get some respect in the form of money around here. I guess, like Tim, we just want to be loved.
MATT FORTE: Keep my name out your mouth, mother fucker. There is no we. We is not a thing. Our situations are not the same.
BRIAN URLACHER: I went to bat for you dumb ass, Briggs. I offered to take a pay cut years ago. All I hear about is how many Pro Bowls you've made.
LANCE BRIGGS: I've made 6 Pro Bowls.
DEVIN HESTER: Hey tho, ain't London that place where they talkin' funny? [Laughs] Cheerio, and shit.
TIM JENNINGS: [punches Hester in the mouth] Everyday I find myself thinking about sliding between those tree trunk thighs, slowly messaging my Queen's temples as she hums "Poetry Man."
ROBBIE GOULD: I SO love her rendition!
JAY CUTLER: [Laughing] Our boy Jennings over here has his tip tingling over a big pork chop dike.
TIM JENNINGS: What did you call her?
ROBBIE GOULD: A lesbian, Tim. She's fond of women.
[TIM JENNINGS jets towards the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably.]
JAY CUTLER: Hey, wait, don't feel bad. It's happened to all of us. I slept with a beautiful Taiwanese boy at Vandy three times before I realized he was a she. Fuck it. I regret nothing.
ADAM PODLESH: Did you guys know... [pauses] that "Big Ben" as most people think, is not actually the clock tower, but the bell within the clock tower.
JULIUS PEPPERS: I would love to visit.
[Everyone stops and stares at Peppers]
JULIUS PEPPERS: What!? I happen to be a clock connoisseur. My grandfather ignited a passion in me which I didn't know I had. I carry his Swiss pocket watch with me to this day.
DEVIN HESTER: Hold up, Ben Russeyberger has a London clock named after him?
[Urlacher grabs Hester by the head and repeatedly smashes it against the window. Hester falls over, bleeding and unconscious]
BRIAN URLACHER: [While administering the beating] I hear they're ten years behind the American trends in England. This tribal tat should have 'em dropping panties in the club, just like it did for Paris Hilton.
[The players fall asleep for the remaining four hours. Devin Hester may or may not be dead. They awake to a landed plane]
TIM JENNINGS: [Opens door to find thousands of screaming Bears fans in England] They love us! They really love us!
MATT FORTE: I'm hope they're not expecting too much, like a win, for instance.
JAY CUTLER: All I know is, we're gonna give 'em a good show. None of this faggity shit they call football over here. Let's go, men. TRIM, on three.
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