Eternal Heartbreak

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File this one away with the pictures of your ex-girlfriends. Call on this image when you're trying to remember why you ate a whole box of Oreos, big bag of Doritos, and carton of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream all on consecutive days. You've gained 15 pounds and no one will ever love you. You're a fat slob and you like it that way because now you know who your real friends are. Want to scare the little trick-or-treaters this Halloween in your quaint Wisconsin suburb? Go to Kinkos, blow up this image and tape it to the door. Underneath it, tape a handwritten note saying, "This is what you have to look forward to, future Madison students. Eternal heartbreak. Signed, Satan."

Enlarge this image, press you eye to the computer screen and try to focus on the football. If you're 50 or older you don't see a football game, more like a really difficult Rubik's cube. If you're between the ages of 26 and 49, you can make out some green, lots of green, and some red, and some white. If you're 25 or under and have 20/10  vision or better, you can probably spot a tiny brown turd that barely crosses the goal line. At some point, every sport has been dubbed "a game of inches." Sometimes this cliche is the only way to make sense of what happened. Like today, where an inch or less just cost Wisconsin a long-shot chance at a National Championship.

I wrote a few days ago that I didn't believe Wisconsin would play for a National Championship -- too many factors beyond they're control, and they wouldn't go undefeated. My reasoning for both opinions went: they're Wisconsin, good things aren't allowed to happen to them. If things worked out how they were supposed to, the winner of LSU-Alabama would play the winner of Oklahoma-Oklahoma State for the National Title and an undefeated Wisconsin team goes to the Rose Bowl. As it stands now, Wisconsin can power sweep right through their five remaining games and find themselves in the B1G Championship game with a Rose Bowl birth at stake. A hypothetical one-loss Wisconsin team in the Rose Bowl would be easier to stomach than an undefeated Wisconsin team screwed out of a shot at the big game. I'll refrain from saying the Michigan State loss was beneficial, but it did push the Badgers down an inevitable path.

The last three weeks or so, I've taken great pains to watch the Top-5 teams and root against them. I'm not this kind of fan. I find it much more satisfactory to root for teams rather than against them. This is fun for about a quarter before the Top-5s start to pull away. They will never lose. Wisconsin will never catch a break. Wisconsin loses to Michigan State and I turn to the Oklahoma-Texas Tech game. Texas Tech is up 31-7 early in the second half. Oklahoma has won 39 straight games at home, they'll find a way to come back. Like clockwork, Oklahoma rips off 17 straight points to put themselves within seven. But Tech somehow holds strong, and scores 10 points on their next two possessions. Three minutes and one touchdown later, Oklahoma has a chance to cut the lead to one score. Their kicker booms a 28-yard field go off the upright, killing their chance of a comeback. He missed by inches.

I know what I just witnessed. One of the key dominoes just fell. Oklahoma lost. Now if they can defeat Oklahoma State on December 3rd, the door is wide open for Wisconsin to sneak into the National Title game against the SEC champ. Then I remember Wisconsin lost an hour ago. I polish off the rest of the Oreos.