Chocolate Shoulders

Somehow this went virtually unnoticed during the 2011 All-Star festivities. Playful, yet unsettling metonymy or: 

Raymond Felton is figuring out a way to get Dwight to Portland. It's the hardest he's worked in years.

All Around The World The Same Song

"Give me that stupid hat and take off your shirt!" Or something along those lines.

All of the worst things people say about Valentine's Day are true. It is a made-up holiday, no doubt, manufactured for the purpose of selling candy, flowers, and Hallmark cards. It puts unnecessary pressure on guys who feel they've done a pretty good job up to this point. Worse yet, Valentine's Day plays on the insecurities of (mostly) women whose existence is validated by a man in their life. You are not single and have not been for some time. Being the pampered soul you are, you bemoan the yearly difficulties of impressing someone who is going to love you regardless.

Valentine's Day is not all anxiety and depression. In a long-term relationship, you, and everyone really, have the tendency to take your partner for granted. Valentine's Day, if nothing else, is your yearly reminder to show them you care, even though you don't always show it. You'd prefer something less traditional as a Valentine's Day warm-up, but your girlfriend wants to see The Vow. You think of hundreds of things, some of them very unsavory, you would rather do, but your girlfriend wants to see The Vow so The Vow is what you're going to see. You've subjected her to the Washington Wizards and the Portland Trail Blazers and Tony Allen enough to understand relationships even things out. You recall a recent conversation:

"Who's playing?"

"The Knicks and Timberwolves."

"Gross. Who do you want to win?"

"Oh, I don't really care."

"Why are you watching if you don't care who wins?"

You have no good answer for this question. It isn't normal to watch a six or so hours of basketball a night? Normal people do other things on Saturday night? You watch basketball because that's what you enjoy, and you cannot explain why you get so much satisfaction from sitting idly and watching others achieve athletic greatness. It isn't easy to love you, you understand, and realize the least you can do is sit still for two more hours and watch The Vow instead of LeBron.


The Vow transports you to a world where you are supposed to believe Channing Tatum is an underdog, overdue bills are paid with LOVE, and a near fatal car accident is ultimately beneficial. Tatum wears a goofy hat in the beginning and ugly sweaters throughout--a deal breaker for most guys, but Channing Tatum is not most guys. He made the women in the theater (about 80 percent of the crowd) swoon when he appeared in a        
non-frontal nude scene. His love interest, Rachel McAdams is a well-dressed coat rack, serving mostly to get Tatum naked and to help him set an impossible "good guy" standard. Despite the plot being structured around McAdams' ability to remember, you get the feeling a hour-long loop of Tatum in his underwear reciting a sappy monologue would have grossed the same.

There is no need to get into the story because you know how the story ends. This does not stop you, however, from becoming immersed. You try to deny it, but a part of you says "Fuck Jeremy," and wonders why it's taking so long for McAdams to make the right decision. This can't possibly be a true story like the opening credits say it is, and if so, how much money are these real people making off this? The actress playing McAdams' sister is fortunate to look like her, you think, helping time move by. You want to feel above this, but you know you aren't. Deep down, you know every basketball season is no different from the worst chick flicks.

The ending, storylines, and drama are the same, played by different actors/players and shifting circumstances based on story/team. You know the year will end with a champion being crowned. You know there will be surprise team and a surprise rookie or two. You know this team will come up short in the playoffs and these breakout player(s) will regress to the mean. You don't care. This is your preferred form of entertainment. The difference being, those who enjoy chick flicks always root for the winner. They know they will leave happy. It's not like that in sports. You don't want your team to be Jeremy or the douchy future-brother-in-law who, in his big scene, questions the profitability of a recording studio in today's day and age. You want your team to be Channing Tatum and there can only be one.

To borrow an English phrase, the Bulls seem to be losing the plot a bit. At full-strength they're the best team in the NBA. Will they ever be at full-strength though? This is not meant to be a panicked reaction to a regular season road loss to Boston without Derrick Rose. This is a legitimate concern come playoff time. The Bulls will finish with the top seed in the East and face Miami in the Eastern Conference Finals. This is the predictable part of the movie. Nagging injuries or not, as long as Rose and Deng play, the Bulls are good enough to get past the first two rounds. Rose and Deng's injuries seem like they aren't going away and Rip Hamilton has literally went away somewhere. No one has seen him in weeks. Twenty-point road wins against bad teams are nice and all, but Miami is the only real competition to get the girl.

It feels like the Bulls are descending into supporting role territory or even worse, one of those woman who hosts an Anti-Valentine's Day Party. That's probably too extreme you're thinking, but remember, you sat through The Vow last night--you're not thinking straight. Your bewilderment and inherent pessimism knows no bounds and you just want the Bulls to be Channing Tatum because The Vow did its job and made you feel oh so inadequate.

See how none of this makes sense?        

Day 13: Blazers-Mavericks (Game 6)

The first round of the NBA Playoffs is finally over and consequently, so is my Daily NBA Blog series. I know what you're thinking: "Who cares? I didn't really read any of them anyway, well, maybe the Bulls ones, and I skimmed over a few points in the others. I figured you'd be regurgitating the same old, tired story lines and didn't really feel like rereading them from a less reputable source."

Well, imaginary reader, you're not entirely wrong. But why such harsh judgement? Just because I've been known to come up short a time or two hundred doesn't mean I can't trump history and come through in the clutch. With the Dallas Mavericks as my witness, I'm asserting myself and shattering the preconceived notions that define me.

The Blazers were the popular upset pick (I picked them in six!) in the first round. Portland seemed to have put it all together, fully incorporating Gerald Wallace into their plans. They also put the clamps on Dallas in the last week of the season. Add to the equation Dallas' fair reputation as Playoff choke-artists and the ingredients for an upset seemed to be layed out in a straight line on the kitchen counter.

The most fascinating thing about this series is that, save for the last five minutes of Game 6, it went according to "plan." Dallas and Portland each took their first two home games. Dallas started Game 5 sluggish, slowly recovered, and blew Portland out in the second half. It was the type of "false-confidence" game Dallas has so willfully provided over the last five years. Just when you think they're destined for something great, they uphold your expectations and drop them at the pace of a JJ Barea floater.

Let's head to the the 44 second mark of the third quarter in Game 6. Jason Terry hits a long jumper to put the Mavericks up 75-58, the largest lead they would have all game. All the better. They have built up a lead perfectly suited to make Dallas fans think they're in control, and just close enough to make NBA fans feel like the Mavs can fuck this up. Portland follows with a LaMarcus Aldridge layup and two Gerald Wallace free throws to close out the quarter. 75-62. The seeds of a collapse have been planted.

The fourth quarter also begins according to "plan." Portland gets off to a 9-2 run and Dallas' 17-point lead from four minutes ago has suddenly dwindled to six with just under ten minutes remaining. Then Dirk Nowitzki happened. Dallas starts pounding the ball in the post to Nowitzki and he makes three straight shots, including his patented, one-legged fadeaway that I can't even convert regularly on my mini-hoop. Aldridge matched Nowitzki's brilliance and the game seemed to be heading towards a battle of bests. Give the ball to your best player, get the hell out of the way, and hope he can outscore the other team's best player.

A Gerald Wallace dunk with five and a half minutes left put the Blazers within one. The Blazers seemed poised to take over the game but didn't convert a field goal attempt for five minutes. The Mavericks inexplicably went away from Nowitzki but Terry, Marion, and Kidd put Portland away with a number of clutch shots of their own.  Nowitzki closed the game out with eight straight free throws.

Portland's future of contending for a Championship rests on Greg Oden's knees; not an enviable position. Meanwhile, Dallas reversed the choke narrative that had been written for them and we can finally see the Kobe-Dirk match up that somehow has alluded us all these years. With the NBA as their witness, the Dallas Mavericks asserted themselves and broke from the preconceived notions that defined them. But can they do it again? And again, and again....

Since it went so well the first time (semi-sarcasm) here are my second round picks:

EAST

(1) Bulls vs. (5) Hawks ---> Bulls in 5

(2) Heat vs. (3) Celtics ---> Heat in 7

WEST

(8) Grizzlies vs. (4) Thunder --->  Thunder in 6

(2) Lakers vs. (3) Mavericks ---> Lakers in 6  

Shout out to the Grizzlies, whose Game 6 victory I only caught parts of. Hence, I won't be writing about it. Zach Randolph is the best story of the Playoffs so far.

Who's To Blame For The Rudy Fernandez Fiasco? Currently A Three Way Tie

All of us know by now that Rudy Fernandez is unhappy. We know this...But some of us didn't even know who Rudy Fernandez was before this mess. Not a good selling point for someone demanding a trade. Fernandez's agent says he his prepared to sit out the next two years until his contract runs out if Portland doesn't trade him. Fernandez says he's fed up with the NBA and wants to play in Spain again. The Blazers say he's a valuable asset and they don't want to give him away for nothing.
So which of the three parties is to blame? The answer is all of them. Here's why:
Rudy Fernandez - Apparently Fernandez is unhappy about two things in Portland. 1) He doesn't get enough playing time, and 2) when he does get playing time, he's not being utilized properly in Nate McMillan's offense. Fernandez not only thinks that he should be playing starter's minutes, but that he should be given the opportunity to create off the dribble, instead of being relied upon for just his outside shooting.
It looks like his "superstar" ego has gotten the best of him. I put the term 'superstar' in quotes, but it actually does apply to Fernandez. While playing in Spain's Liga ACB, a league many consider the second best in the world, Fernandez was regarded as the best the ACB had to offer.
There's only one problem: this isn't the ACB. Fernandez is an average NBA player who doesn't deserve to play starter's minutes or to be given free reign to do whatever he wants offensively. Fernandez can shoot, there's no question about that. However, every other aspect of his game has been questioned. He's not great defensively, he's not much of a dribbler, and despite what he thinks, has a tough time creating for himself.
It's one thing to have confidence in your abilities. It's quite another to be so delusional about your abilities that you're willing to hold out for two years.
Fernandez's Agent Andy Miller - I sympathize with Miller because he finds himself in a tough spot. In one sense, it's an agent's responsibility to protect his client's interests. It's also an agent's responsibility to make sure that his player is living up to his end of the deal.
Miller is succeeding with the former and failing at the latter. I understand that he's trying to stand behind his client and muscle the Blazers into giving Fernandez what he wants. While this is fine, it's hurting Fernandez is the long run. Sitting out for two years will do neither party any good.
If I'm Miller, here's what I do. I sit down with Fernandez and tell him to be content with his 23 minutes a game and get his three point shooting percentage back up to 40 percent.
His numbers were down last season partly because he was injured for a good portion of it. It he returns next year and plays well, he will at the very least, play himself onto a new team in two years.
If he sits, he looks like a whining distraction who's play isn't worth the hassle. Especially for a team trying to contend for a championship.
The Blazers - Portland is taking the term 'asset' a little too seriously and is asking for more than Fernandez is worth. A number of teams have given the Blazers reasonable offers and they've declined every one of them.
Chicago probably offered the best package, including James Johnson and their own 2011 first round pick (likely in the mid 20s.) The Knicks offered Wilson Chandler. The Celtics offered their 2011 first round pick (also likely in the mid to late 20s). Fernandez himself was a late round pick in in 2007.
The point is that the Blazers would not have been giving him away for nothing. They were given three reasonable offers to unload an unhappy player and they tried to come out with the better end of a deal.
Even though Fernandez seems to have no leverage in this situation, history has shown that players who want to be traded almost always get their way. It's only a matter of time before Fernandez is traded. The Blazers will be best served unloading Fernandez now because his value will only decrease if he follows through and sits.