Inside JaVale's Head

To call JaVale McGee a talented knucklehead would be as insensitive as it is correct. JaVale has quietly suffered through a very difficult period of his life in which he hears voices inside his head. These voices, while high-pitched and well-meaning, make it incredibly difficult for him to concentrate on a basketball court. His trade to Denver is thought to offer him a clean slate and hopefully an escape from his inner demons. Here are some examples of what JaVale had to go through in Washington.

Hi there! Face here! I'm making a sandwich! Do you want to help me make a sandwich? Great! Let's make a sandwich!

First, we need two pieces of bread. Now, two pieces of turkey to put on the bread. Do you like lettuce and tomato? I sure do! Let's pile on one piece of lettuce and one tomato slice! Almost done! A little bit of mayo to top it all off! 

Did you put your second piece of bread on top? Yay! We've made a sandwich. Let's eat here at Nick Jr.!

[makes trumpet noise with mouth]

[laughs]

RESULT:

* * *

Hi there! Face here! Oh no, JaVale, it's raining! I better come inside before I get all wet!

[sneezes]

I think I'm developing a cold. I don't like being sick! I should have worn my rain jacket like my mother told me! Do you always listen to your mother?

I'm going to be a well-behaved boy from now on at Nick Jr.!

[makes trumpet noise with mouth]

[laughs]

RESULT:

* * *

Hi there! Face here! 

Knock Knock!

[Who's there?]

Orange!

[Orange who?]

Orange ya glad you're watching Nick Jr. instead of that knock off Disney stuff?

[makes trumpet noise with mouth]

[laughs]

RESULT:

* * *

Hi there! Face here! Look who decided to stop by! It's Blue!

We are gonna play Blue's Clues. We are gonna play Blue's Clues. We are gonna solve Blue's Clues because we're really smart!

Do you want to help us find Blue's first clue, JaVale?

Ok, it's somewhere on the other side of the court. All you have to do is shoot a bad shot really quick and come running down to us on the other side. OK? Let's play, only on Nick Jr.!

[makes trumpet sound with mouth]

[laughs]

RESULT:

John Lucas III's Historic Night

John Lucas III made his first NBA start Wednesday night in place of Derrick Rose. The game was everything you would expect from a contest between the Wizards and the Rose-less Bulls playing their third game of a back-to-back-to-back. That is to say, a perfect game for Lucas to make his NBA debut. There were plenty of bad shots, sloppy turnovers, and JaVale McGee goaltends to go around. Lucas' teammates were noticeably frustrated at his attempts to play isolation ball and reach the 40 shot mark. But who cares? The Bulls won and Gail Fischer interviewed Lucas after the game. Wiping the sweat from his forehead he panted, "I was just trying to contribute out there. My teammates have confidence in me." I don't know about all that but his performance was certainly a cause for celebration in a less than illustrious NBA career.

With increased playing time comes the ability to rack up personal achievements, and John Lucas did just that. Interestingly enough, his record numbers corresponded with some lesser known numbers relating to the evening.

POINTS - 25

25 - Number of minutes it took for Lucas to gain clearance into the United Center. Lucas was stopped by a security guard three hours before tip-off and asked for identification. "What for?" he responded. "I'm on the team." The security guard did not believe he was a member of the team. Lucas' calls to Tom Thibodeau, camped in the film room since the end of last night's game, were unsuccessful. An unidentified employee of the UC was finally able to interrupt Thibs' masturbation session to a clip of a perfectly executed pick-and-roll defense by pounding on the door loudly. Thibs vouched for his starting point guard and Lucas was allowed to enter.

FIELD GOALS MADE - 11

11 - Number of times a Chicago sports columnist led today's piece with, "It's a good time to be a three. Only one month removed from Robert Griffin III's Heisman Trophy acceptance speech, fellow Texan John Lucas III ... (and later) It's safe to say, there's a new sheriff in town.

FIELD GOALS ATTEMPTED - 28

28 - The number of dirty looks Ronnie Brewer gave Lucas during the Wizards game after Lucas opted to fling up a difficult shot rather than pass to Brewer for the open mid-range jumper. Also, the number of minutes (+1) Joakim Noah was on the bench.

REBOUNDS, ASSISTS - 8

8 - Number of "cousins" who called or texted Lucas after the game asking about tickets for "that Thunder game." Lucas was a star player for the Oklahoma State Final Four team in 2004 and gained a number of fans and admirers along the way. He does not, however,  recall having any cousins by the names of Ohcumgache and Buster.    

MINUTES PLAYED - 46

46 - Mike James' original jersey number. The Bulls signed former NBA journeyman and current D-Leaguer Mike James hours before tip-off to back up Lucas. The equipment staff acted quickly and were able to secure a number 46 jersey for James with his name etched on the back. Sensing he may pick up some garbage time minutes, James decided it would be best for any future basketball endeavors if he was not associated with this game in any way. He snuck into the locker room and replaced his jersey with a nameless number 14 and entered the game with 42 seconds to play.