The Super Bowl is over. Finally. Two teams you hate squared off and as is unfortunately always the case, one of them had to win. Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning played fantastic, completing 75 percent of his passes for 296 yards, and one touchdown. The commercials and halftime performance sucked as much as they always have and Cris Collinsworth would take some good, old-fashioned discipline from Tom Coughlin any day of the week. The outcome of this game was almost decided by the assumption Ahmad Bradshaw would make the smart play, which is absolutely hilarious if you're not a Giants fan. Rob Gronkowksi appeared hobbled by injury and Tom Brady is now a choke artist because he lost to Eli twice--in the Super Bowl--and Peyton Manning, and Bart Starr, and Otto Graham would have never let that happen to them. Stripped of the silly narratives, Super Bowl XLVI was an entertaining game, even if you were still hung over from the night before.
The night should have belonged to Eli and the Giants alone, but Peyton's shadow hung over the place like the Colts' Divisional Championship banners. I undertook the painstaking mission of compiling all the questions asked to Eli Manning in the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. It turns out 100 percent of the questions in some way reverted back to Peyton. Here are the most common:
1) We're here in Indianapolis, in the stadium your brother Peyton built. What does this mean to you knowing you grew up watching Peyton complete his engineering homework as the sweet smell of your mother's casserole danced around the kitchen?
2) Given the severity of the injury and delicate balance needed to assess any damage to the neck area, how will this affect Peyton's ability to analyze your throwing motion come Sunday?
3) The 2007 Playoffs was perhaps the most unpredictable NFL postseason of the last decade, marked by San Diego's stunning upset of the Colts in the second round. What, if anything, did you learn from that crushing defeat?
4) On a scale of 1-10, 10 being 'Big-Big Asshole,' how would you rate Andrew Luck as a person?
5) You came under fire early in your career for refusing to play for the San Diego Chargers, who drafted you first overall in 2004. Was your decision motivated by the thought of having to play your older brother in the Playoffs every year?
6) We know Peyton has been breaking down film furiously over these last couple of weeks, more than yourself, I'm sure. It's no secret the two of you have talked strategy all year. In the event of a win Sunday, how much of the credit does Peyton deserve? 18 percent? 50? 100?
7) Five years before you entered the league, we watched Peyton exert an unparalleled amount of control over play-calling at the line of scrimmage. Watching you bumble through your progressions, you appeared retarded in comparison. Have you always been retarded, or is this something that has come to light only since playing football professionally?
8) Critics of your brother have pointed out his repeated postseason failures. They've duly noted a Super Bowl win over a Rex Grossman-led team should be taken with a grain of salt. Meanwhile, the same people say your TWO wins over Tom Brady and the Patriots are proof of your superiority as a quarterback. What would you say to dispel this obviously faulty logic?
9) As part of the 37-hour Super Bowl pregame marathon, you told the touching story of the first time you beat Peyton in a game of basketball. Off the record, can you admit that story was a lie and you have never beaten Peyton at anything?
10) Growing up, Peyton berated you. He pushed you around, beat you up, and never let you win at anything. He'd tell you to "Look over there!" and eat the food off your plate when you turned your head. Some older brothers coddle their younger brothers, preferring to support and encourage them in every way possible. Explain how a miserable, anxiety-riddled childhood was ultimately more beneficial than one with loving and functional familial relationships.
11) On a scale of 1-10, 10 being 'Completely Useless' and 1 being 'Appendix,' how would you rate Jim Caldwell's job performance?
12) Peyton wouldn't be caught dead driving a 2012 Corvette Grand Sport Convertible Centennial Edition, would he?
13) Interestingly enough, Peyton has two kids and one Super Bowl, and you have one kid and two Super Bowls. How frustrated is Peyton, knowing he's on the wrong end of the kid : Super Bowl ratio?
14) To us Northerners, who, barring a Chernobyl-like disaster, would never venture below the Mason Dixon line; Mississippi and Tennessee are viewed as equally abysmal states. Describe the merits of both states without structuring your argument around "Peyton attended school in one of them."
15) Your father, Archie, always says he loves all his children equally, regardless of whether they play football, sell insurance, or are female. We all know this isn't true. As the new favorite, how will you deal with your father's unadulterated attention this offseason? Is it safe to pencil in Peyton as the 2013 Super Bowl MVP?
16) The new popular saying is "You can't spell 'Elite' without 'Eli.'" Has Peyton begun to unscramble the letters in his name to compose a flattering buzzword?
17) This preseason you said you were "absolutely" in the same class as Tom Brady. Is this class one or two rungs below your brother?
18) Staunch observers have criticized network coverage for deflecting too much of YOUR attention onto your brother. When you retire and you've won more Super Bowls and put up similar career numbers to Peyton, will you just laugh at the stupidity of the general public, or make like Aaron Rodgers and become an analyst for the sole purpose of airing your remorseful, bitter rants?
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