Tebow Confides In Cutler

TIM TEBOW and JAY CUTLER meet in the tunnel to exchange pleasantries. CUTLER is sullen and dejected. He is trying to think of a loophole in his contract which will allow him to stay home for the games he is not playing in. Who is this Tim Tebow? He has to know. Why do his Denver teammates believe in such an inferior talent? CUTLER aims to find out.


TEBOW: Jay!!!! All praise be unto God!!!


CUTLER: God works in mysterious ways and what he giveth he taketh away and all that. Hell of a performance, kid. You played like shit for a sixth consecutive game and still managed to win. I play good and I'm STILL the reason we lose.


TEBOW: Enough with the BULLSHIT, Jay.


CUTLER: Huh?


TEBOW: You're the only NFL quarterback I can entrust with my secret. I've always admired you from afar -- the way you give absolutely ZERO FUCKS in everything you do. This picture says it all. This is my favorite picture. I've never seen a better picture. I printed out this picture at home, blew it up at Kinko's and it is now framed, sitting on my desk. Creepy, I know.

    


TEBOW: Your absolute contempt for everything and everyone around you -- it's so -- human. You carry yourself the way I've always wanted to. But I am not allowed to.

CUTLER: I don't follow.

TEBOW: Don't you see? My whole life is a facade. I'm nothing more than an image -- a figure manufactured for public consumption. I'm not really a virgin.

CUTLER: Well, OBVIOUSLY.

TEBOW: I don't even believe in God.

CUTLER: Whoa.

TEBOW: That anti-abortion commercial? All lies. That wasn't even my real mother. I was created in a laboratory, unaware to this day of where my DNA came from.

CUTLER: Wait a minute, now just HOLD ON. That wasn't your real mother?

TEBOW: Sadly, no.

CUTLER: Do you have her number?

TEBOW: I'm trying to tell you that my image and my entire being were conceived from the start. The NFL needed a handsome and polarizing figure. A WHITE one. Twenty years ago they studied religious trends in America and realized less and less people were identifying as 'Religious' each year. By 2011 they knew a segment of the population would be absolutely disgusted by the idea of a visibly successful athlete crediting all of his success to the supernatural. Especially when he didn't deserve that success to begin with.

They also knew another segment of the population would still be deeply entrenched in their religious beliefs. They would start to feel like the minority and the fools for continuing to believe in something the general population was shifting away from. They needed a reason to believe. And what better way than to give them a shitty NFL quarterback whose team continued to pull off improbable overtime victories?

CUTLER: But why? WHY?

TEBOW: The ratings, Jay. It isn't enough to suck and still win in the NFL nowadays. There has to be something controversial about you, and not controversial in the "he killed some pitbulls" sense. Almost everyone agrees drowning and electrocuting dogs is deplorable. Not everyone agrees on expressing your religious beliefs so openly. Thanks to myself, there are people watching and discussing the NFL that didn't give two shits about football three years ago.

CUTLER: So you're saying you were made from the start to be an NFL quarterback. I get that. But how are you still winning all these games? You've said yourself religion is just a front.

TEBOW: My games are fixed. All of them. First game against Miami, overtime win. Second game, a blowout at the hands of the Lions. My time looked to be over -- now we're unleashing the fury on everyone. My mediocre team is must see television. You're going to watch every fourth quarter I play in, regardless of the score.

CUTLER: How are you fixing the games? I caught no wind of this.

TEBOW: Sure, you caught no wind of this. Marion Barber was in on it, and a couple of your teammates too. The refs also knew. Like I said, the NFL is smart, they've been planning this for years. When Barber ran out of bounds it was one of the stupidest NFL plays imaginable. That is a play that seems fishy. But not with Barber. The NFL made sure he played like a dumb fuck in Dallas too so something like this was not beyond the realm of possibility. It also didn't hurt the NFL slipped him a cool 15 million under the table.

CUTLER: 15 MILLION?!?! I would have gotten out there and threw the fucking game for THAT.

TEBOW: Of course you would have, and so would many of your colleagues. Comparatively, NFL athletes are not paid much. They need the money and the post-career health insurance.

CUTLER: This is all so depressing.

TEBOW: All the more reason why I admire you. You aren't about to risk permanent injury for this game. Laugh at those who scream "PUSSY" loudest and storm the tower with sharpened pickaxes.

CUTLER: [thinking to himself] Am I dreaming? This guy is so fucking weird. We've been talking a long time. Way too long for a simple post-game handshake. Did I leave the oven on?

TEBOW: Hey Jay, would you like to do some coke?

CUTLER: Coke?!?!

TEBOW: Yeah!! I do a couple lines before every game AND a couple more at halftime. It certainly makes the interviews more bearable.

CUTLER: Uh....I think I'm good.

[Men with cameras descend. TEBOW notices]

TEBOW: God Bless, Jay! Best of luck with your treatment and the rest of the season! [whispering now] And remember, don't tell a soul what we discussed!

TEBOW exits into the locker room, leaving a stunned CUTLER to fend off the reporters. 

JERK-OFF REPORTER NO. 1: What did you and Tebow have to say to each other?

CUTLER: I uh.....I wished him luck for the rest of the season. I just told him....I just told him to keep doing what he's doing. I guess. I think I'm going to give it a go next week. Standing on the sidelines is really messing with me.

JERK-OFF REPORTER NO. 2: Jay, how much of this game do you think can be chalked up to divine intervention?