RODGERS: Friend, it is an honor to have you here with me in this beautiful city to enjoy a bountiful meal.
CUTLER: 25 bucks for the veal?!?! You're paying, right?
RODGERS: Of course. What kind of host would I be? Besides, I've always wanted to thank you for the way you've taken my brother Jordan under your wing. You wouldn't know it, but he was pretty scared to go out to Vanderbilt. His heart was in California.
CUTLER: It was nothing, really. Good kid. Can't quarterback for SHIT, but not everyone is meant to succeed at Vanderbilt. In fact, NO ONE is meant to succeed at Vanderbilt. He caught Florida at a good time. He caught Tennessee at a good time -- AND STILL LOST.
RODGERS: I've also been concerned with his performance of late. Believe me, I've watched the tape. Cincinnati is sure to pose a serious threat. I worry about his preparation. I worry about his focus.
CUTLER: "Preparation." "Focus." What do those words even mean? That's a bunch of coachspeak. You don't need to worry about those things.
RODGERS: I AM worried. I haven't spoken to him in months. I phoned him just a week ago and someone picked up and didn't say anything. All I heard was fart noises and hip-hop playing in the background.
CUTLER: Sounds like a fucking blast. Too bad I was cooped up in that shitty Denver hotel.
RODGERS: Has he reached out to you? It's driving me crazy. When did it become a burden to give his big brother a call back?
CUTLER: This is a busy time of the year for him. He's probably studying for final exams. And by 'studying for final exams,' I mean hitting the books. And by 'hitting the books' I mean stroking the intellect. And by 'stroking the intellect' I mean having sex with 18-year-old coeds.
RODGERS: GAAAA. My suspicions have been confirmed. I realize college is a time for fun and experimentation, but this is his FUTURE we're talking about. I've typed his name into Google Images and have discovered some absolutely repugnant photographs.
CUTLER: Let's see 'em.
RODGERS: Here is the first one I came across:
CUTLER: [Laughing obnoxiously] That's JUST a Halloween costume.
RODGERS: What kind of self-respecting, heterosexual man dresses up as a cheerleader for Halloween?
CUTLER: The kind who is trying to get a little novelty pussy. That's who.
RODGERS: What about this one:
CUTLER: [Suddenly very stern] Photoshopped.
RODGERS: Oh, thank God. This one was almost too much to bear.
CUTLER: No, I mean the Shake Weight is photoshopped. There was something else ENTIRELY in his hands.
RODGERS: OH Dear Me! I....I can't. All of this monkey business ENDS NOW.
CUTLER: Give him a break, friend. I know this is hard for you to believe, but some of us quarterbacks are perfectly capable of living happy and productive lives without mercilessly dissecting a defense. We're flawed. We laugh at our shortcomings. We get by the best we can.
RODGERS: Jordan is not your average run-of-the-mill quarterback. He has it in him to be GREAT. I know it.
CUTLER: Far be it from me to judge your kid brother. I've only worked out with him. What do I know?
RODGERS: I have a plan. A TOP SECRET PLAN. Can you keep a secret?
CUTLER: Why all the secrets? Just last week Tim Tebow told me.....
RODGERS: Told you what?
CUTLER: Nothing.
RODGERS: Anyway, I've devised a plan to ensure that Jordan gets his head on straight. He's going to be visiting me in Green Bay for Christmas. I'm going to sneak him into the locker room hours before game time. We look enough alike. He'll dress in my jersey and pads and play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers this Sunday night. Christmas Day. Bears-Packers. Best rivalry in football.
CUTLER: That sounds like a fantastic idea.
RODGERS: What better way to inoculate him into the pro game than against Julius Peppers with no right tackle and the number one seed in the NFC on the line?
CUTLER: I've played three years in Chicago without a right tackle. It's not easy.
CUTLER: We also have Luc McNabb or whatever his name is starting, so Jordan should have no problem winning the game.
RODGERS: EXACTLY. I want him to play poorly and still win. I want to show him the embarrassment that comes with your team winning despite you. Hopefully this will be the necessary first step in getting him to take his position and the game of football seriously.
CUTLER: I see no holes in this plan whatsoever, even if I do think you're being a bit harsh on him. Now tell me, where are the hot spots in Green Bay? I'M DYING TO WHIP MY DICK OUT.
RODGERS: You're at one of them.
CUTLER: This veal IS delicious.
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