Ballin' Like Jordan

JAY CUTLER and AARON RODGERS walk the streets of downtown Green Bay. CUTLER wears sunglasses despite it being 6:30 at night and a black hoodie over his head. RODGERS wears a black ski mask as to appear inconspicuous. After much good-natured debate, the two finally settle on Angelina Restaurant, a fine Italian eatery. They take their seats in the back, isolated from the other patrons. Their host flips CUTLER the bird as he returns to the front desk. CUTLER does not notice.


RODGERS: Friend, it is an honor to have you here with me in this beautiful city to enjoy a bountiful meal.

CUTLER: 25 bucks for the veal?!?! You're paying, right?

RODGERS: Of course. What kind of host would I be? Besides, I've always wanted to thank you for the way you've taken my brother Jordan under your wing. You wouldn't know it, but he was pretty scared to go out to Vanderbilt. His heart was in California.

CUTLER: It was nothing, really. Good kid. Can't quarterback for SHIT, but not everyone is meant to succeed at Vanderbilt. In fact, NO ONE is meant to succeed at Vanderbilt. He caught Florida at a good time. He caught Tennessee at a good time -- AND STILL LOST.

RODGERS: I've also been concerned with his performance of late. Believe me, I've watched the tape. Cincinnati is sure to pose a serious threat. I worry about his preparation. I worry about his focus.

CUTLER: "Preparation." "Focus." What do those words even mean? That's a bunch of coachspeak. You don't need to worry about those things.

RODGERS: I AM worried. I haven't spoken to him in months. I phoned him just a week ago and someone picked up and didn't say anything. All I heard was fart noises and hip-hop playing in the background.

CUTLER: Sounds like a fucking blast. Too bad I was cooped up in that shitty Denver hotel.

RODGERS: Has he reached out to you? It's driving me crazy. When did it become a burden to give his big brother a call back?

CUTLER: This is a busy time of the year for him. He's probably studying for final exams. And by 'studying for final exams,' I mean hitting the books. And by 'hitting the books' I mean stroking the intellect. And by 'stroking the intellect' I mean having sex with 18-year-old coeds.

RODGERS: GAAAA. My suspicions have been confirmed. I realize college is a time for fun and experimentation, but this is his FUTURE we're talking about. I've typed his name into Google Images and have discovered some absolutely repugnant photographs.

CUTLER: Let's see 'em.

RODGERS: Here is the first one I came across:

    

CUTLER: [Laughing obnoxiously] That's JUST a Halloween costume.

RODGERS: What kind of self-respecting, heterosexual man dresses up as a cheerleader for Halloween?

CUTLER: The kind who is trying to get a little novelty pussy. That's who.

RODGERS: What about this one:

CUTLER: [Suddenly very stern] Photoshopped.

RODGERS: Oh, thank God. This one was almost too much to bear.

CUTLER: No, I mean the Shake Weight is photoshopped. There was something else ENTIRELY in his hands.

RODGERS: OH Dear Me! I....I can't. All of this monkey business ENDS NOW.

CUTLER: Give him a break, friend. I know this is hard for you to believe, but some of us quarterbacks are perfectly capable of living happy and productive lives without mercilessly dissecting a defense. We're flawed. We laugh at our shortcomings. We get by the best we can.

RODGERS: Jordan is not your average run-of-the-mill quarterback. He has it in him to be GREAT. I know it.  

CUTLER: Far be it from me to judge your kid brother. I've only worked out with him. What do I know?

RODGERS: I have a plan. A TOP SECRET PLAN. Can you keep a secret?

CUTLER: Why all the secrets? Just last week Tim Tebow told me.....

RODGERS: Told you what?

CUTLER: Nothing.

RODGERS: Anyway, I've devised a plan to ensure that Jordan gets his head on straight. He's going to be visiting me in Green Bay for Christmas. I'm going to sneak him into the locker room hours before game time. We look enough alike. He'll dress in my jersey and pads and play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers this  Sunday night. Christmas Day. Bears-Packers. Best rivalry in football.

CUTLER: That sounds like a fantastic idea.

RODGERS: What better way to inoculate him into the pro game than against Julius Peppers with no right tackle and the number one seed in the NFC on the line?

CUTLER: I've played three years in Chicago without a right tackle. It's not easy.

CUTLER: We also have Luc McNabb or whatever his name is starting, so Jordan should have no problem winning the game.

RODGERS: EXACTLY. I want him to play poorly and still win. I want to show him the embarrassment that comes with your team winning despite you. Hopefully this will be the necessary first step in getting him to take his position and the game of football seriously.

CUTLER: I see no holes in this plan whatsoever, even if I do think you're being a bit harsh on him. Now tell me, where are the hot spots in Green Bay? I'M DYING TO WHIP MY DICK OUT.

RODGERS: You're at one of them.

CUTLER: This veal IS delicious.

Mom, I Finally Made It

Derrick Rose signed a 5-year contract extension worth 94.8 million today. He turned to his mother and proclaimed, "Mom, I finally made it." Just when you thought you couldn't love him anymore he goes and says something like that and makes your heart melt. He plans on putting some of this money into the Englewood neighborhood he grew up in. Of course he does. It has always been my belief that ONE championship from Rose -- because of his humility, already-legendary work ethic, and Chicago roots, would mean more than the SIX championships the 1990s Bulls brought home. I don't think we'll ever see another athlete this beloved by the city of Chicago. His extension is well-deserved, obviously.

Here are some photos to commemorate the event. Click to embiggen.

Prodigious Chicago emcee Common introduces Derrick Rose at a promotional event for his new adiZero Rose 2 basketball shoes.

Meanwhile, LeBron James could not hold back his excitement as he nuzzled up to 'rapper' Drake.

I Wanna Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil, On Sugar Hill

Sam Hurd illustrates the comfort of a drug pusher whose livelihood is not dependent upon pushing drugs.

One of my favorite hip-hop songs is "Sugar Hill" by AZ. The protagonist of the song, presumably AZ himself, is a small-time drug dealer dreaming of a better life -- from being surrounded by ladies "of all races with dime faces" to living in a villa in Costa Rica. The symbolism is clear. While the "Sugar Hill" is an imaginary utopia where AZ can experience the finer things in life, it is literally a mountain of cocaine. Chilling on "Sugar Hill" is living the good life as a result of illegal activity. This attitude is usually deemed contemptible by most people, but public opinion sometimes shifts after considering the circumstances. In this song, AZ describes drug dealing as a means to an end rather than an end in itself -- hardly a unique sentiment. His involvement in the drug game was out of necessity, feeling he had no other option to realize his lofty and mostly superficial dreams. His goal is to make money and get the hell out. Even the staunchest opponents of drugs and drug pushing can sympathize with the idea of a down-and-out young man -- no matter how misguided -- doing something dangerous and illegal to try and reverse his luck.

Which is why the news of Sam Hurd's arrest is so damn fascinating/surprising. Sam Hurd lives comfortably in Lake Forest with his wife and daughter. Sam Hurd just signed a three year contract for up to 5 million dollars to play mostly special teams and contribute jack shit on offense. Sam Hurd attends parties sponsored by Grey Goose. I think everyone's initial reactions was: WHY? YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING RICH. Speculation for his motives were ranging; greed, selfishness, and stupidity seemed to be the most popular. Maybe Hurd wasn't content with a measly NFL salary. Maybe he wanted to be more than a piddling NFL special teams player. Maybe he was stupid enough to think he wouldn't get caught even after a tipster linked an acquaintance of his to a cocaine negotiation in Dallas this summer. I'd venture to guess his motives were complicated and cannot be boiled down to a singular explanation. We will probably never know. All we know is that Hurd does not fit the archetypal drug-dealing character that AZ and many others have created.

So think of this as the last story to complete the implosion of the 2011 Chicago Bears. First Cutler's thumb, then Forte's MCL, and now Sam Hurd's Pusha T impression. Nice and quick and detonated by Tim Tebow, I guess. This story isn't over, of course. Should any of the reported "double digit" number of NFL players who purchased drugs from Hurd turn out to be Chicago Bears -- well -- the team is fucked. Lovie will be fired, players will be suspended, and Hurd will occupy a jail cell regardless. Wasn't it only a month ago it seemed like if an unheralded ragamuffin team were to upset the infallible Aaron Rodgers in the second round of the playoffs, the Bears would sneak into the Super Bowl? That feeling seems like ages ago, even in marijuana minutes.

Sugar Hill. Shiny and towering and powerful from afar. Nice to chill on top of for a while. Its weak foundation is easily concealed by its beauty. I have to believe Sam Hurd knew all of this. I'm still wondering why he built it.            

Tebow Confides In Cutler

TIM TEBOW and JAY CUTLER meet in the tunnel to exchange pleasantries. CUTLER is sullen and dejected. He is trying to think of a loophole in his contract which will allow him to stay home for the games he is not playing in. Who is this Tim Tebow? He has to know. Why do his Denver teammates believe in such an inferior talent? CUTLER aims to find out.


TEBOW: Jay!!!! All praise be unto God!!!


CUTLER: God works in mysterious ways and what he giveth he taketh away and all that. Hell of a performance, kid. You played like shit for a sixth consecutive game and still managed to win. I play good and I'm STILL the reason we lose.


TEBOW: Enough with the BULLSHIT, Jay.


CUTLER: Huh?


TEBOW: You're the only NFL quarterback I can entrust with my secret. I've always admired you from afar -- the way you give absolutely ZERO FUCKS in everything you do. This picture says it all. This is my favorite picture. I've never seen a better picture. I printed out this picture at home, blew it up at Kinko's and it is now framed, sitting on my desk. Creepy, I know.

    


TEBOW: Your absolute contempt for everything and everyone around you -- it's so -- human. You carry yourself the way I've always wanted to. But I am not allowed to.

CUTLER: I don't follow.

TEBOW: Don't you see? My whole life is a facade. I'm nothing more than an image -- a figure manufactured for public consumption. I'm not really a virgin.

CUTLER: Well, OBVIOUSLY.

TEBOW: I don't even believe in God.

CUTLER: Whoa.

TEBOW: That anti-abortion commercial? All lies. That wasn't even my real mother. I was created in a laboratory, unaware to this day of where my DNA came from.

CUTLER: Wait a minute, now just HOLD ON. That wasn't your real mother?

TEBOW: Sadly, no.

CUTLER: Do you have her number?

TEBOW: I'm trying to tell you that my image and my entire being were conceived from the start. The NFL needed a handsome and polarizing figure. A WHITE one. Twenty years ago they studied religious trends in America and realized less and less people were identifying as 'Religious' each year. By 2011 they knew a segment of the population would be absolutely disgusted by the idea of a visibly successful athlete crediting all of his success to the supernatural. Especially when he didn't deserve that success to begin with.

They also knew another segment of the population would still be deeply entrenched in their religious beliefs. They would start to feel like the minority and the fools for continuing to believe in something the general population was shifting away from. They needed a reason to believe. And what better way than to give them a shitty NFL quarterback whose team continued to pull off improbable overtime victories?

CUTLER: But why? WHY?

TEBOW: The ratings, Jay. It isn't enough to suck and still win in the NFL nowadays. There has to be something controversial about you, and not controversial in the "he killed some pitbulls" sense. Almost everyone agrees drowning and electrocuting dogs is deplorable. Not everyone agrees on expressing your religious beliefs so openly. Thanks to myself, there are people watching and discussing the NFL that didn't give two shits about football three years ago.

CUTLER: So you're saying you were made from the start to be an NFL quarterback. I get that. But how are you still winning all these games? You've said yourself religion is just a front.

TEBOW: My games are fixed. All of them. First game against Miami, overtime win. Second game, a blowout at the hands of the Lions. My time looked to be over -- now we're unleashing the fury on everyone. My mediocre team is must see television. You're going to watch every fourth quarter I play in, regardless of the score.

CUTLER: How are you fixing the games? I caught no wind of this.

TEBOW: Sure, you caught no wind of this. Marion Barber was in on it, and a couple of your teammates too. The refs also knew. Like I said, the NFL is smart, they've been planning this for years. When Barber ran out of bounds it was one of the stupidest NFL plays imaginable. That is a play that seems fishy. But not with Barber. The NFL made sure he played like a dumb fuck in Dallas too so something like this was not beyond the realm of possibility. It also didn't hurt the NFL slipped him a cool 15 million under the table.

CUTLER: 15 MILLION?!?! I would have gotten out there and threw the fucking game for THAT.

TEBOW: Of course you would have, and so would many of your colleagues. Comparatively, NFL athletes are not paid much. They need the money and the post-career health insurance.

CUTLER: This is all so depressing.

TEBOW: All the more reason why I admire you. You aren't about to risk permanent injury for this game. Laugh at those who scream "PUSSY" loudest and storm the tower with sharpened pickaxes.

CUTLER: [thinking to himself] Am I dreaming? This guy is so fucking weird. We've been talking a long time. Way too long for a simple post-game handshake. Did I leave the oven on?

TEBOW: Hey Jay, would you like to do some coke?

CUTLER: Coke?!?!

TEBOW: Yeah!! I do a couple lines before every game AND a couple more at halftime. It certainly makes the interviews more bearable.

CUTLER: Uh....I think I'm good.

[Men with cameras descend. TEBOW notices]

TEBOW: God Bless, Jay! Best of luck with your treatment and the rest of the season! [whispering now] And remember, don't tell a soul what we discussed!

TEBOW exits into the locker room, leaving a stunned CUTLER to fend off the reporters. 

JERK-OFF REPORTER NO. 1: What did you and Tebow have to say to each other?

CUTLER: I uh.....I wished him luck for the rest of the season. I just told him....I just told him to keep doing what he's doing. I guess. I think I'm going to give it a go next week. Standing on the sidelines is really messing with me.

JERK-OFF REPORTER NO. 2: Jay, how much of this game do you think can be chalked up to divine intervention?       

Musburger and Bilas: Sleepin' and Slurrin'

BRENT MUSBURGER and JAY BILAS are set to broadcast a battle between Top-10 schools, No. 7 Wisconsin at No. 5 North Carolina. MUSBURGER gears up by watching his favorite reruns of Wheel of Fortune. 'That Sajak is an absolute pro,' he mutters. 'The last of a dying breed.' BILAS slips some codeine in his cup of coffee to prepare for the abhorrently slow pace. He disgusts MUSBURGER by solving the puzzles with very few letters on the board. 


MUSBURGER: Here we go folks. Chapel Hill. North Carolina set to take on Wisconsin. ACC/Big Ten Challenge. The tradition, Jay. The atmosphere, the titles, Dean Smith, Roy Williams, dashing powder blue ties --it's gets no better than this!


BILAS: Look for Carolina to try and lower the bang early, Brent. They're the more talented of the two teams. They're longer, faster, and they have 22 thousand of the most brutish, singular-minded people on Earth screaming their heads off.

MUSBURGER: Here we go. Carolina wins the tip. Strickland knocks down the jumper. Whoa, BABY! They're on FIRE!

BILAS: Key question here coming up: Where will Wisconsin find their offense? Jon Leuer used to be that guy, but he's gone now. Much of the onus will fall on Jordan Taylor this year. Uhh, Brent?

[MUSBURGER dozes off watching Wisconsin swing the ball at the top of the key]


MUSBURGER: UH, oh yes. Bruesewitz with the THREE! Missed it. Thank God. Carolina has the ball back.

* * *

MUSBURGER: Carolina up 12-5 after the timeout. They're really starting to pound the ball inside.

BILAS: Wisconsin just can't contend with Carolina's size. Coach K used to say, 'Bilas, I can teach you to shuffle your feet. I can teach you how to get into a good rebounding position, but I cannot teach you size. I said, 'What can I do, Coach?' He says, 'We'll take a trip to the Medieval Torture Museum.' He wasn't kidding.

MUSBURGER: [Laughing heartily] Coach K, ladies and gentlemen. The Hall of Famer!

* * *

MUSBURGER: Wisconsin within two after the under-4 timeout. How have they done it, Jay?

BILAS: They really have Carolina playing their game. Carolina wants to get out and run with the mercurial Kendall Marshall but Wisconsin hasn't allowed them to. Wisconsin is dropping guys back and conceding offensive rebound opportunities. They're forcing Carolina into a half-court game and Carolina is obliging. They're jacking up outside shots and that is NOT their strength. 

MUSBURGER: What must Carolina do to get out of their funk?

BILAS: Well, I'm not so sure it's a funk, Brent. At some point we have to acknowledge Wisconsin's ability to win this game against a superior opponent.

MUSBURGER: We do?

BILAS: Play along, Brent.

* * *

MUSBURGER: 25-24 North Carolina with the lead to start the second half. How would you describe the pace of the first half, Jay?

BILAS: This was a Screw Tape come to life on basketball court, Brent. Imagine yourself in a dingy H-Town basement. Smoke swirling everywhere, drank in your cup, and a gaggle of fine tricks gathered around. Try to envision 2Pac lyrics to 'Keep Ya Head Up' blended with Nate Dogg's chorus from 'I Don't Wanna Hurt No More,' all over an obscure souped-up 5th Ward Boyz instrumental. The world will slow down for you. Trivialities pass. Enemies become friends.

MUSBURGER: I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm sure the younger members of our audiences do! Who was that you said?

BILAS: DJ Screw. Rest in Peace. I'll play some for you in the trailer.

MUSBURGER: I'm more of a Frankie Ford fan myself.

BILAS: Stay in your lane, Musburger. I can respect that.

     * * *

MUSBURGER: Miraculously, improbably, amazingly, STAGGERINGLY, Wisconsin is up five here at the under-12 timeout. Jay, what in the world is going on?

BILAS: I'm telling you, Brent, someone must have forgotten to tell Bo Ryan and his team how good North Carolina is supposed to be. Ryan Evans wouldn't look out of place as an extra in Wild Style and he's giving the pre-season All-American Harrison Barnes fits on defense. And I can't say enough about this kid Jared Berggren. How many 6'11 guys do you know who can give a pump fake at the top of the key and blow past his defender like Berggren has done tonight? 

MUSBURGER: There's not many, that's for sure.

BILAS: And you have to respect Berggren's shot, that's what makes him so deadly. North Carolina needs and answer, AND FAST. 

MUSBURGER: You know who would have loved this Wisconsin team, Jay? A man by the name of Adolph Rupp at the University of KENTUCKY.

BILAS: No doubt about it.

MUSBURGER: You look at a team like Wisconsin and the first thing you notice is they have a great color about them. Never flushed, always in control. Above all else, they're fundamental. They're not going to turn the ball over. And they do it, Jay....you look at them and they shouldn't even hold a candle to Carolina.

BILAS: No Brent, they really shouldn't. You almost have to wonder what Bo Ryan puts in the drinking water up in there in Madison.

[BILAS and MUSBURGER share a laugh].

MUSBURGER: Back to Adolph Rupp for a second. Now that was a man who recruited a specific type of player. They didn't have to be the flashiest or most athletic. They needed to get the job done and look responsible while doing it. Clean haircuts. Shorts at the right length.

BILAS: Rupp wasn't going to change his system for any one player. You see the same thing with Bo. He recruits players to FIT HIS SYSTEM. Not the other way around.

MUSBURGER: These guys on Wisconsin may be unheralded but they're not backing down. You can tell they're comfortable in their own skin. No tattoos, no baggy hip-hop shorts. They just play the game the right way. AGAINST ALL ODDS. Bo coaches 'em up, but they're going for it. They don't need the extra motivation.

BILAS: That reminds me of a fun Jimmy V story, Brent.

MUSBURGER: OH GOODIE.

BILAS: Jimmy used to get after the late great Lorenzo Charles. He wanted him to be more aggressive on the offensive glass. He'd tell him, 'Go up for that board like it's a hubcap!'

[MUSBURGER bursts out laughing]

MUSBURGER: That's Jimmy V for ya! Breathtakingly funny and an absolute class act!

[A timeout is called on the floor. The show's producer taps into their headsets]


PRODUCER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. What the fuck was THAT!!


MUSBURGER and BILAS: What?


PRODUCER: Like a hubcap? Like a FUCKIN' HUBCAP?


BILAS: Oh shit.


MUSBURGER: I'm failing to see the problem.


BILAS: All my fault. It was the codei--the uh, Code Red. Mountain. Dew. Code. Red.


PRODUCER: When we get back on the air, you need to apologize.

MUSBURGER: How do we know Lorenzo didn't steal hubcaps? We have a responsibility as journalists to investigate the matter further before we issue an apology.

PRODUCER: Do it you fucking MORON. AND JUST RETIRE ALREADY.


[MUSBURGER and BILAS are back on the air]


MUSBURGER: Hey folks, it's come to my attention that we made some rather insensitive comments in our broadcast a few moments ago. We seemed to insinuate that the late great Lorenzo Charles was involved with petty theft in his youth. We didn't mean to suggest blacks are more likely to commit these crimes. Hubcaps are just as often stolen by Mexicans and Filipinos, I'm sure.

[PRODUCER stabs himself in the jugular with his pen. His last words: 'Et tu, Bilas? I expected better of you'].  

* * *

MUSBURGER: North Carolina has taken control of this game behind the sweet shooting of Harrison Barnes.

BILAS: Big-time players make big-time plays. Barnes suffered an ankle injury in the loss to UNLV. Roy Williams wasn't even sure if Barnes would play tonight.

MUSBURGER: You know Mr. Barnes wasn't about to miss this one!

BILAS: Well, he appeared a bit hesitant in the early going, but he's been instrumental in Carolina's comeback. We have to credit North Carolina's defense. They've held Wisconsin scoreless for the last five minutes.

MUSBURGER: The dangers of passing the ball at the top of the key for 30 seconds.

BILAS: Absolutely. The Badgers have no low-post presence. John Henson has staked his claim down low. Valiant effort, but it looks just about over for Wisconsin.

[Jared Berggren hits a three to cut the North Carolina lead back to five. Both teams trade points before a Jordan Taylor three cuts the lead to four with 26 seconds left]

MUSBURGER: They just won't give up! What a scrappy bunch!

BILAS: They have talent, Brent. Deceptive, snail-paced talent.

[North Carolina has put the game away. Kendall Marshall sinks his first free throw to put North Carolina ahead 60-54. Marshall misses his second and Ben Brust grabs the rebound]. 

MUSBURGER: Brust with the half-court heave.....IT'S GOOD!! IT'S GOOD! THEY'VE DONE IT. WISCONSIN HAS PULLED OFF THE UNTHINKABLE. THEY'VE BEATEN CAROLINA IN CHAPEL HILL!!

BILAS: They actually just lost the game, Brent. They were down by six at the time of the shot.

MUSBURGER: Indeed they were. North Carolina 60 and Wisconsin 57. That's all from us, folks. Enjoy the Big East season.