Favre Retires From Retirement Press Conferences

In a shocking turn of events, former Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has announced he is retiring from retirement press conferences. Favre's announcement came as a surprise to those who have followed him through out his career.
"It's hard to explain how much Brett enjoyed these press conferences," longtime friend Ned Loomis told the associated press. "He will approach this announcement with the same fire and child-like excitement that he did ever since he announced his first retirement in March of 2008."
With his announcement, Favre joins an elite list of players who have retired after conducting multiple retirement press conferences. The list includes the likes of Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Alonzo Mourning.
"It's an honor to be included with those guys," Favre said in a statement. "They're all Hall of Famers who played the game at the highest level. I can't think of any guys more deserving of multiple retirement press conferences than those three."
Favre's decision has angered many Vikings fans who expected him to forego this year's retirement press conference and return for another season.
"It's fucking bullshit, man," thirteen year old Vikings fan Ross Parker said. "Now we're stuck with two shitty quarterbacks instead of going after a big free agent. I got high hopes though. He still has unfinished business after that last press conference he muffed a few years ago."
"This is it," Favre said during his second retirement speech. "I'd like to thank the Packers, Jets, Vikings, Bucs, Dolphins, Ravens, and any other team I may have strung along through out the years. I appreciate all of the team improvements you foregoed in order to wait for my decision."
There had been rumblings over the years that Favre was unsure if he was able to withstand the physical and mental rigors of another retirement press conference.
"Brett was unsure if his ankle would be able to handle the stress of walking up the stairs to the podium," an anonymous source stated. "He played a few extra years to delay his announcement, but can play no longer."
"I'm very happy with my career and am extremely blessed to be involved with as so many important press conferences, whether retirement or other," Favre said. "But mentally this is the last retirement press conference I can handle. It's different than the one where I announced my addiction to pain killers. With that one, and the others that ensued, there was an outpouring of sympathy for me. It doesn't seem like that anymore with the retirement thing." 

Haynesworth Passes Air Conditioning Test

The concerns of hogettes everywhere were quieted Monday morning, as defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally passed the air conditioning test given to all occupants of the hotel he is staying at. Haynesworth and the rest of his teammates are staying at an unnamed hotel in Ashburn, VA for the remainder of Redskins training camp, which ends August 8th.
Haynesworth was the only member of the team that was forced to pass the air conditioning test, because of what head coach Mike Shanahan called a "timing issue."
"Albert did not check into the hotel before the 12 o'clock deadline we set for the team," Shanahan explained. "Had he done so, the test would have been performed for him by a member of the hotel staff."
The air conditioning test consisted of a number of drills that ensured the air conditioning was sufficiently cooling the room. While it is not clear what these drills were, Shanahan insisted that they needed to be met before a player was ready to participate in training camp.
"The test was simple, really," Shanahan said. "The last thing we need is for a guy to become dehydrated or to sweat off a few pounds in the hotel room. There will be plenty of time for that in training camp itself."
Haynesworth, a former first round draft choice of the Tennessee Titans, signed a seven year 100 million dollar contract with the Redskins in 2009. Many people see is failure to pass the air conditioning test as an extension of the poor play and attitude problems that plagued him last season.
"I mean how hard is it to check the goddam air conditioning," Redskins fan Marv Dugle said. "All you do is turn a goddamn knob. My wife has done it everyday for me this summer."
Before passing the test, Haynesworth failed on two separate occasions. The first time, he appeared confused about what exactly he was supposed to do and by the time he figured it out, time had expired.
The second time, bending over to check that the air flow had been properly circulating through the vent, Haynesworth injured his knee and was unable to continue the test.
"The third time's a charm," Haynesworth said with a smile. "I'm looking forward to spending plenty of time in this nicely air conditioned hotel room rehabbing my knee, while the rest of my teammates are out there grinding in 100 degree heat." 

The 10 Worst Things About Being a Cubs Fan, Part II

12 runs in the bottom of the 8th, made possible by 11 straight hits (an MLB record), and the return of Big Z. Now is a better time than ever to unleash Part II of the worst things about being a Cubs fan, Reasons 5-1. For Reasons 10-6 click here.
5) The White Sox - Cubs fans try to downplay the White Sox as much as possible. We say they're the less popular baseball team in Chicago (which is true), their ball park isn't as historic and Chicago neighborhood is shittier (also true), and we only worry about our own team, while they worry about ours (not true.)
As much as Cubs fans try to deflect attention away from the White Sox 2005 championship, we can't. Any rational fan can tell you that their performance in the 2005 playoffs was one of the best, if not the best in baseball playoff history. They plowed through the Red Sox, Angels, and Astros en route to a 12-1 playoff record, and some of the best starting pitching you will ever see.
Here's the worst part. It's been said a million times that the Cubs only have one World Series victory since 1908. Do you know how many the White Sox have? Two. It just so happens that one of those has come in the last five years, erasing almost 90 years of failure.
4) Payroll - As I've said many times before, baseball isn't fair. There's no salary cap, so its essentially designed to keep the big market, high payroll teams in contention every year, while a small market here and there makes a splash. It would be one thing to consistently lose if they were the Pirates (30th in payroll), Diamondbacks (25th), Indians (24th), or Nationals (23rd). It's quite another when the Cubs have the 3rd highest payroll in the league, just under 147 million.
Compare that to some other teams that will make the playoffs: Padres (38 million, 29th), Rangers (55 million, 27th), and Rays (71 million, 21st).
Now let's compare the Cubs to the other teams in the top 10 in payroll. 8 of the 10 teams are over .500, the Cubs and Mariners (9th) being the only two left out. 4 teams ((Yankees (1st), Phillies (4th), White Sox (7th), and Giants (10th)), all have a legitimate shot at making the playoffs.
So while being a top 10 payroll doesn't guarantee playoff entry, it almost always guarantees a competitive season, and the Cubs can't even produce that this year.
3) Ticket Prices - According to Team Marketing Report, the Cubs had the third most expensive average ticket in 2009, coming in at just under 48 dollars. Not surprisingly, the Yankees and Red Sox are 1 and 2, coinciding with their payroll rank.
I know, it's Chicago, it's a big market, and Wrigley Field is a tourist attraction, so they can price the tickets as high as they want, and people will still come. It's a shame because this results in richer, less knowledgeable fans, who are there for the atmosphere and not the game. Once again, the real fans lose because they're priced out.
In college, I roomed with a Twins fan from Minnesota. He said on Wednesdays, or some other random day, you could get tickets for a dollar. A dollar! You can't even get a pack of gum for a dollar in Wrigleyville. Cubs ticket prices will always be ridiculous, but they would be a little more bearable if, like the Yankees and Red Sox, they put a winning team on the field every year.

2) 2003/Bartman - I include Bartman in the bolded not because I blame him for losing us the NLCS against Florida, but because he's the most recognizable figure in the disaster that was 2003.
The front office constructed the 2003 team around winning a title for that year. It was a make or break year and was still the best chance the Cubs have had in my lifetime to win a World Series. Top to bottom, the 2008 team was better, but the 2003 was better constructed for the playoffs for two reasons.
 1. Veteran Starting Lineup - The Cubs brought in Randall Simon and Kenny Lofton at the trade deadline to make an already old team even older. The average age of their starting lineup was 33. 33! Just think about how old that is for a playoff team. However, they could all play. They still had Sosa and Alou in the middle of the lineup, who were both declining, but still huge threats. Add in a young Aramis Ramirez, who took the middle of the lineup to another level. Lofton and Grudzielanek were both smart top of the order hitters with high on base percentages.
2. Starting Pitching -You're not going to win in the playoffs without great starting pitching and the Cubs had it. This would mark the only time that Mark Prior and Kerry Wood were healthy and on top of their game at the same time. Carlos Zambrano and Matt Clement were also also capable of shutting any lineup down. Just look at these strikeout numbers: Wood (266), Prior (245), Clement (171), and Zambrano (168). It's mind boggling that a team with 4 starting pitchers in the neighborhood of 200 strikeouts could not win a World Series.
I remember it like it was yesterday, Cubs had a 3-2 Series lead, Mark Prior was scheduled for Game 6, and Wood for Game 7. There was not one Cubs fan I knew that thought Prior and Wood would lose back to back games. Well, that's what happened, and that's why 2003 is so high on this list.
1) 101 Going on 102 Year World Series Drought - I might as well have put this one at the top, you all knew it was coming. Everyone talks about baseball records that will never be beaten. The two most common that come up are Joe DiMaggio's 56 game hit streak and Cy Young's 511 career wins. Cy Young's will never be broken, DiMaggio's maybe someday. But will the Cubs World Series drought ever be broken? It seems like a legit question because even random small market teams are competitive once in a while. Of course, this streak is still going, so we can't even place a number on it yet.
To illustrate how depressing it is to be a Cubs fan, let me say this. Everyone knows someone, or is related to someone that lived a long productive life and didn't get to see the Cubs win a World Series. My grandpa, a life long Cubs fan was born in 1918, and lived to be 87 years old. He died in late November of 2005. He hung around just long enough to see the White Sox win a World Series. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

The 10 Worst Things About Being A Cubs Fan, Part I

August is almost here and the Cubs are 10 games under .500. Now is about the time I start wishing I was a fan of another team, any other team. To cope with the misery that is baseball in August, I present the 10 worst things about being a Cubs fan.
10) 1:20 Games - Wrigley Field has been around since 1914, so as you may expect, the Cubs are reluctant to change. Unfortunately this has extended into the game schedule as well. Lights weren't installed in Wrigley until 1988, so the Cubs were forced to play afternoon games so they could get them in before dark. They have lights now but still the afternoon games. Unlike me, some Cubs fans are actually, you know, employed. Most people aren't free at 1:20 on Tuesday.
9) No Instant Replay - Yeah, this is another gripe about the Cubs being reluctant to change. I love Wrigley Field, and I love the fact that they've maintained its appearance even 100 years later. However, its not the most fan-friendly of ball parks out there. The old time scoreboard is certainly a throwback, but is it too much to ask to have an electric portion of the scoreboard capable of showing replays? It's never a good look when you can just stay at home and get a better sense of what's going on than when you're at the game.
8) The Fans - This point needs a bit of clarification. I feel Cubs fans are unjustly criticized most of the time, so let me start by saying, that there are a lot of great Cubs fans out there. They follow all the games, are knowledgeable, and can admit when the team sucks. This isn't about them (I include myself in that group, by the way). Here are the three types of Cubs fans I hate:
1) The "Happy to be Here" Fan. The male version of the "Happy to be Here" fan drinks as much as he can at the game. He only knows half of the players, knows nothing about the game of baseball, but roots his heart out as loudly has possible. You find a lot of these types at the bleachers. Sometimes they're funny, most of the time, just annoying.
The female version is one that treats a Cubs game like a Friday night party. You can tell they took at least three hours to get ready for the game. To accommodate them, Wrigley Field has added margaritas and vodka mixed drinks to their menu. They care a great deal about meeting people, texting and talking during an important at bat. Basically anything that doesn't involve the game. Most people, as misguided as they are, think this fan represents all Cubs fans.
2) The "I'm in the Neighborhood" Fan. Wrigley Field is located in a very rich, trendy area in the north side of Chicago. As you may expect, this area attracts quite a few 20 somethings that are living off of their parents' trust funds. They find it trendy to root for the Cubs, and since they're in the neighborhood, they go to a bunch of games. They know nothing about baseball and may not even be from Illinois or any of the other states that typically root for the Cubs. It should be known that many of these fans can also fit into category number 1.
3) The Delusional Fan. He or she thinks "This is the Year." They probably think that right now, the Cubs still have a legitimate shot at making the playoffs. It's one thing to be optimistic, it's another to be delusional. Every team has fans like this, but it's harder to justify it when your team hasn't won in 102 years.

7) Mark Prior - No player sums up the Cubs organization better than Mark Prior. He was the supposed savior of the organization who suffered a freak collision with Marcus Giles running the bases, which laid the groundwork for a career filled with shoulder injuries. Unrealized potential. Those two words sum of Prior and the Cubs perfectly. It still frustrates me to think about the type of player Prior could have become. In his short time with the Cubs he's already the best Cubs pitcher I've ever seen and will most likely be a top 3 Cubs pitcher of my lifetime.
6) Defeatist Attitude - Despite how confident, ignorant, or cocky Cubs fans appear at the surface, they are all miserable deep down. None of us have any confidence that our team can win a World Series. We may talk like we do, but deep down, we don't believe it. This was on display during Game 1 of the 2008 NLDS against the Dodgers. Despite jumping out to a 2-0 lead, Cubs fans at Wrigley didn't get excited. It was like they were waiting for something bad to happen, and the announcers noticed it.
Funny thing is, I reacted the exact same way watching the game. I was literally shaking while watching the game, waiting for something bad to happen. It was easy to criticize that crowd for not rallying behind their team, some of it was warranted, but if you're not a Cubs fan, you don't understand.
Part II coming up next.

Dez Bryant Refuses to Carry Football

Only a few days removed from refusing to carry Cowboys veteran wide receiver Roy Williams' pads as part of a rookie hazing tradition, Dez Bryant has once again refused a request. During Thursday's afternoon walk through, the rookie wide receiver refused to carry the football.
The Cowboys offense was running through plays, and quarterback Tony Romo called for a play action reverse. The play required Bryant to wait for Romo to fake the handoff to his running back, and then come through the backfield to take the handoff. Bryant refused.
"I'm not here to carry the football," Bryant said. "Tashard [Choice, Cowboys running back] can carry his own damn football."
Romo was a little puzzled by Bryant's outburst. "It honestly kind of surprised me," Romo told reporters. "Normally receivers are looking for any way they can to get involved in the offense, whether it be through the air or on the ground. Especially rookies because they aren't guaranteed a big role right off the bat."
"I wasn't brought in to carry someones football," Bryant said. "They got like three running backs here. What the hell are they here for? You're going to have three running backs and expect me to carry the football? Nah."
Bryant's reaction has prompted other players to get involved with the highly controversial subject of receivers being forced to carry footballs for the running backs.
Vikings wide receiver Percy Harvin, the NFL's Offensive Rookie of the Year last year, felt that Bryant should pay his dues.
"Coming out of Florida, I was operating under the assumption that running backs carry the football and us receivers don't have to worry about that," Harvin said. "But they do it different up here. I paid my dues, listened to the veterans like Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, and look where it got me."
Bryant has reportedly come to terms with the Cowboys offense, and insists that his refusal was blown out of proportion.
"I wasn't aware of the tradition," Bryant said. "Had I known that it was customary for me to carry Tashard or Felix or Marion's football, I would have not made a big deal about it. No problems here, just a little mix up."
Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips has denied reports that Bryant has also refused to make tackles should a defensive back intercept a pass.  

Don't Look Now, But Strasburg is Headed to the DL

I hate to say I told you so, but...well, I didn't necessarily predict a DL stint, but thought people should hold off before praising Strasburg as fervently as they have been. Although it turns out the praise to this point has been warranted.
He's struck out 75 in only 54 1/3 innings, has won five of his nine starts, and is currently sitting on a stellar 2.32 ERA. And perhaps most important, has surrendered only fifteen walks.
There's no question Strasburg is already one of the premier pitchers in baseball. His ability to throw 100 mph, coupled with nasty movement and control, make him a pitcher capable of dominating the league for the next ten years.
For reference, Carlos Marmol is unhittable. Stephen Strasburg reminds me of Marmol, except he's a starter, and has superb control of his pitches. Enough said.
Strasburg skipped his scheduled start Tuesday, and has now been placed on the 15 day DL. He experienced shoulder soreness during his bullpen session, which was later diagnosed as inflammation in his pitching shoulder, and serious enough to land him on the DL. Strasburg said he's had a history of shoulder soreness since college, and it's nothing to be alarmed about.
I don't know about that. Mark Prior was the last can't miss pitching prospect expected to dominate the league for a decade. I followed Prior very closely and remember specifically his slew of shoulder problems starting in 2006 and eventually leading to two different shoulder surgeries in 2007 and 2008.
While Prior's mechanics were considered flawless at the time, experts on pitching mechanics were forced to reexamine his delivery after witnessing his injury plagued career. They found that he put more stress on his throwing shoulder than was originally thought.
I'm no expert on pitching mechanics, but I worry the same might be true of Strasburg's delivery.
To put things in perspective, Strasburg was expected to be shut down early this year anyway. Including his time in the minors this year, Strasburg has already pitched 109 2/3 innings, equalling his total last year at San Diego State. The Nationals planned on shutting him down at the 160 IP mark.
As a sports fan, I hope this is only a blip on his career radar. Maybe he will return good as new from his DL stint and continue to dominate the league like nothing happened. However, I hope the Nationals take a closer look at his mechanics and figure out if something is wrong. The last thing the MLB needs is for its two biggest pitching prospects of the last 20 years to bow out early because of injuries.

Thoughts On The ManU - MLS All-Star Game

I think many US soccer fans felt the MLS All-Stars had something to prove during Wednesday night's match up. While the match was technically an All-Star game and didn't even involve either team's best players, it would have done wonders for US soccer to prove that they're capable of competing with the best the Premier League has to offer.
I felt the All-Stars had a chance until I looked at three things:
1) Came to the realization that they're just that, a bunch of All-Stars. They aren't used to playing together and it showed, particularly in the first half. Their passes weren't crisp, there was very little creativity, and an overall lack of chemistry and ball control from the All-Stars. Things started to come together in the second half, but by then, they had already dug themselves into a hole too deep to climb out of.
2) Manchester United has lost their last match up of their North American Tour against the Kansas City Wizards of the MLS. The Wizards are currently 4-8-4 in MLS play and would fail to qualify for the playoffs if the season ended today. You knew ManU wasn't going out like that. What better way to prove they're a superior team than to crush the best the MLS has to offer.
3) Alexi Lalas picked the All-Stars to win during the pre-game show. If you watched any of the US World Cup games, you know that Lalas was the biggest homer on the show, and picked the US to win every game. After seeing his pick, I figured the MLS would be overmatched.
By the way, Lalas was less impressive today than he had been through out the World Cup. I don't know if he purposely tuned it down, or he didn't have the patriotic fervor flowing through him, but he provided no comedy whatsoever this time around.
I was hoping to take this game to do a little scouting for the upcoming EPL season. I've never watched the EPL before so I'm completely working from scratch. It will be frustrating at first to become familiar with players, and I'm still not sure how transfers work, but I'll figure it out. Unfortunately, many of these players Manchester United featured won't be major players this upcoming season.
Federico Macheda, who appeared in five games for ManU last season, scored ManU's first two goals in the first 13 minutes. Giving up goals in the first fifteen minutes is approaching national crisis level. The epidemic has even spread to the lowly MLS. Anyway, the fact that a little used reserve can come in and light up the All-Stars proves how deep ManU is, I think, even moreso than the lack of quality in the MLS.

Also speaking to ManU's depth, it was cool to see Javier Hernandez enter the game and score in the second half for his new team. The reception he got was incredible, the second biggest behind Landon Donovan's. I loved watching Hernandez in this year's World Cup, and if he can consistently display the same skill it took for him to score his goal in today's game, he'll be fun to watch for a long time in the EPL.
Last thought is on Landon Donovan and his impending move to some club overseas. Regardless of the money involved, I think he should do it. Donovan is important to the MLS, the most important player to the MLS in fact. But he would do more for US soccer overseas. The only way MLS will truly be recognized as a legitimate league is if its players can come overseas and dominate there. MLS is currently filled with either washed up overseas players and players who aren't capable of playing overseas. It isn't until elite players in MLS can prove they belong overseas that MLS will be recognized for their talent. Unfortunately, we can't stash our talent, we have to give it away eventually.
So what did I take away from this game? Not much. I learned that a team that is familiar with each other will play better even if they don't have as much talent on the field (that point is debatable, though). Nani was the most impressive player on the pitch, and soccer isn't quite the same when nationalism isn't a huge factor. I also hate ManU a little bit more than I did Wednesday morning.