Lamar Odom To Opt Out Of Marriage Contract

According to sources close to the situation, Lakers power forward Lamar Odom has chosen to forego the second year of his two year marriage contract with reality TV star Khloe Kardashian and become a bachelor.
In September of 2009, Odom signed a two year marriage contract with Kardashian. While his first year was guaranteed, he had a husband option for the second year, meaning he could opt out of the marriage contract after his first year and test the newly single market. While the exact numbers involved in the deal have not been disclosed, it is estimated that Odom left around 1.3 million on the table by opting out of his deal.
Odom is a member of Team USA and will be travelling to Spain and Greece later this month, and to Turkey in September. His coach Mike Krzyzewski, for one, is delighted with the news.
"Lamar has been a little sluggish in practice lately," Krzyzewski said. "I've speculated it's had something to do with his high maintenance wife and the strain of being forced to document his life on camera. I think getting out of this contract will do wonders for him as a player."
Odom's Team USA teammate Kevin Durant had advised Odom "at least two months" ago that he should consider opting out.
"I mean, we all know Khloe is the ugly one," Durant said. "Kim and Kourtney are a different story. They're hot. I can deal with that. I told him he might even be better off waiting for those two younger twins to grow up."
Khloe's sister Kim, who dated Saints running back Reggie Bush, was surprised to hear about the great contact Lamar had signed.
"I couldn't believe he was able to sign the deal that he did," Kardashian said. "That was great work by his agent. When I signed on to date Reggie my contract wasn't guaranteed. So essentially, he could dump me at any time and my contract would be terminated."
The news of the breakup seemed to affect Khloe's younger brother Rob the most. While shown on the Kardashian's reality show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Rob and Lamar seemed to be getting along quite well.
"I'm gonna miss him," Rob said via Twitter. "Besides Khloe, he's the closest thing to an older brother I've ever had."
Khloe could not be reached for comment, but according to an anonymous source, is "on her way to gaining a lot of that weight back."

Favre Retires From Retirement Press Conferences

In a shocking turn of events, former Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has announced he is retiring from retirement press conferences. Favre's announcement came as a surprise to those who have followed him through out his career.
"It's hard to explain how much Brett enjoyed these press conferences," longtime friend Ned Loomis told the associated press. "He will approach this announcement with the same fire and child-like excitement that he did ever since he announced his first retirement in March of 2008."
With his announcement, Favre joins an elite list of players who have retired after conducting multiple retirement press conferences. The list includes the likes of Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Alonzo Mourning.
"It's an honor to be included with those guys," Favre said in a statement. "They're all Hall of Famers who played the game at the highest level. I can't think of any guys more deserving of multiple retirement press conferences than those three."
Favre's decision has angered many Vikings fans who expected him to forego this year's retirement press conference and return for another season.
"It's fucking bullshit, man," thirteen year old Vikings fan Ross Parker said. "Now we're stuck with two shitty quarterbacks instead of going after a big free agent. I got high hopes though. He still has unfinished business after that last press conference he muffed a few years ago."
"This is it," Favre said during his second retirement speech. "I'd like to thank the Packers, Jets, Vikings, Bucs, Dolphins, Ravens, and any other team I may have strung along through out the years. I appreciate all of the team improvements you foregoed in order to wait for my decision."
There had been rumblings over the years that Favre was unsure if he was able to withstand the physical and mental rigors of another retirement press conference.
"Brett was unsure if his ankle would be able to handle the stress of walking up the stairs to the podium," an anonymous source stated. "He played a few extra years to delay his announcement, but can play no longer."
"I'm very happy with my career and am extremely blessed to be involved with as so many important press conferences, whether retirement or other," Favre said. "But mentally this is the last retirement press conference I can handle. It's different than the one where I announced my addiction to pain killers. With that one, and the others that ensued, there was an outpouring of sympathy for me. It doesn't seem like that anymore with the retirement thing." 

Haynesworth Passes Air Conditioning Test

The concerns of hogettes everywhere were quieted Monday morning, as defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally passed the air conditioning test given to all occupants of the hotel he is staying at. Haynesworth and the rest of his teammates are staying at an unnamed hotel in Ashburn, VA for the remainder of Redskins training camp, which ends August 8th.
Haynesworth was the only member of the team that was forced to pass the air conditioning test, because of what head coach Mike Shanahan called a "timing issue."
"Albert did not check into the hotel before the 12 o'clock deadline we set for the team," Shanahan explained. "Had he done so, the test would have been performed for him by a member of the hotel staff."
The air conditioning test consisted of a number of drills that ensured the air conditioning was sufficiently cooling the room. While it is not clear what these drills were, Shanahan insisted that they needed to be met before a player was ready to participate in training camp.
"The test was simple, really," Shanahan said. "The last thing we need is for a guy to become dehydrated or to sweat off a few pounds in the hotel room. There will be plenty of time for that in training camp itself."
Haynesworth, a former first round draft choice of the Tennessee Titans, signed a seven year 100 million dollar contract with the Redskins in 2009. Many people see is failure to pass the air conditioning test as an extension of the poor play and attitude problems that plagued him last season.
"I mean how hard is it to check the goddam air conditioning," Redskins fan Marv Dugle said. "All you do is turn a goddamn knob. My wife has done it everyday for me this summer."
Before passing the test, Haynesworth failed on two separate occasions. The first time, he appeared confused about what exactly he was supposed to do and by the time he figured it out, time had expired.
The second time, bending over to check that the air flow had been properly circulating through the vent, Haynesworth injured his knee and was unable to continue the test.
"The third time's a charm," Haynesworth said with a smile. "I'm looking forward to spending plenty of time in this nicely air conditioned hotel room rehabbing my knee, while the rest of my teammates are out there grinding in 100 degree heat." 

Dez Bryant Refuses to Carry Football

Only a few days removed from refusing to carry Cowboys veteran wide receiver Roy Williams' pads as part of a rookie hazing tradition, Dez Bryant has once again refused a request. During Thursday's afternoon walk through, the rookie wide receiver refused to carry the football.
The Cowboys offense was running through plays, and quarterback Tony Romo called for a play action reverse. The play required Bryant to wait for Romo to fake the handoff to his running back, and then come through the backfield to take the handoff. Bryant refused.
"I'm not here to carry the football," Bryant said. "Tashard [Choice, Cowboys running back] can carry his own damn football."
Romo was a little puzzled by Bryant's outburst. "It honestly kind of surprised me," Romo told reporters. "Normally receivers are looking for any way they can to get involved in the offense, whether it be through the air or on the ground. Especially rookies because they aren't guaranteed a big role right off the bat."
"I wasn't brought in to carry someones football," Bryant said. "They got like three running backs here. What the hell are they here for? You're going to have three running backs and expect me to carry the football? Nah."
Bryant's reaction has prompted other players to get involved with the highly controversial subject of receivers being forced to carry footballs for the running backs.
Vikings wide receiver Percy Harvin, the NFL's Offensive Rookie of the Year last year, felt that Bryant should pay his dues.
"Coming out of Florida, I was operating under the assumption that running backs carry the football and us receivers don't have to worry about that," Harvin said. "But they do it different up here. I paid my dues, listened to the veterans like Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, and look where it got me."
Bryant has reportedly come to terms with the Cowboys offense, and insists that his refusal was blown out of proportion.
"I wasn't aware of the tradition," Bryant said. "Had I known that it was customary for me to carry Tashard or Felix or Marion's football, I would have not made a big deal about it. No problems here, just a little mix up."
Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips has denied reports that Bryant has also refused to make tackles should a defensive back intercept a pass.  

MLB To Add Base Hit Derby to All Star Festivities

In a press conference yesterday afternoon, MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced the addition of a "Base Hit Derby," that will take place during next year's All Star facilities in Phoenix. The event will be held a day before the Home Run Derby and is expected to draw interest from the game's best singles hitters.
"We're proud to announce the creation of the 'Base Hit Derby,'" Selig said. "We look forward to showing the world our game's best hitters, who it just so happens, are unable to hit the ball over the fence."
Selig added, "We think the event will take off because the average fan can relate to singles hitters. Based on our research the average fan has accepted the fact that they cannot hit a home run, but still believe they could hit a single in a major league game."
Just as in the Home Run Derby, hitters will be given ten outs. They will attempt to get as many base hits as they can before recording their tenth out. Outs will include home runs, foul balls, or any other hits that are estimated to have gone for extra bases.
Although Selig has remained unwilling to unveil his targets for next year's Base Hit Derby, it's expected that Mariners RF Ichiro Suzuki will be the main person of interest. Suzuki is the current MLB leader with 111 hits this season.
"I wouldn't be against it," Suzuki said with a smile. "Will infield hits be counted?"
Other possible participants could include White Sox outfielder Juan Pierre, Twins outfielder Denard Span, and Rangers shortstop Elvin Andrus.
"I just wish the event was around 20 or 30 years ago," die-hard fan Mark Munson, 62, of Tempe said. "There's nothing I would have loved more than to see Pete Rose or Tony Gwynn hit a few up the middle."
"The Base Hit Derby is really cutting edge," Selig said. "Just two years ago we saw Josh Hamilton crush 28 home runs. Now in 2010 we could see Ichiro hit 50 or 60 singles."
"Time won't be an issue," Selig continued. "Fans are used to three or four hour games. Which is about how long this event will take, probably longer."

Blackhawks Deal Zamboni Driver to Edmonton

In an offseason filled with cost-cutting moves to try and put themselves under the salary cap, the Chicago Blackhawks have agreed to send 58 year-old zamboni driver Homer Sedgwick to the Edmonton Oilers for a future second round pick. The move will free up close to 18 thousand dollars from Chicago's payroll.
Sedgwick joins Kris Versteeg, Andrew Ladd, Dustin Byfuglien, Ben Eager, Brent Sopel, and Adam Burish, as notable championship contributers who were either dealt or not offered a contract this offseason.
"It wasn't easy to let Homer go," Hawks GM Stan Bowman said. "He made great strides for us this year as a driver. He'll be in a great situation in Edmonton, where he'll be able to jump right in and earn the starting zamboni driver spot."
Sedgwick joins a depleted maintenance crew in Edmonton that has not helped its team to the playoffs in four years. Sedgwick is expected to be Edmonton's main driver and will be counted on to shovel the zambroni's ice residue off of the rink. Depending on further changes in Edmonton's crew, Sedgwick may be asked to empty various garbage cans around the stadium as well.
"Homer was an integral part of our championship squad," Hawks right winger Patrick Kane told the associated press. "The ice was always crisp when he was handling it. He never cut corners and made sure to always get to the hard spots in and around the boards."
Up until Sedgwick's all-star 2009-10 season, his time in Chicago was marred with controversy. After signing a hotly contested 5 year, 42 thousand dollar deal in August of 2007, Sedgwick crashed the zambroni into the boards while maintaining the ice during the first intermission of the Hawks home opener. It was later reported that Sedgwick had a blood alcohol content of .16, twice the legal limit, during the time of the accident. He was suspended without pay for the remainder of the season.
"I came into this league a lost soul," Sedgwick explained in a phone interview. "I'm so thankful that the Blackhawks believed in me and stuck with me through my difficult times."
Sedgwick added, "I'm ready to do whatever Edmonton asks of me. That's a city that expects nothing but the best from their zamboni drivers. Hopefully, with some hard work, we can restore the championship ices that this city saw through out the 1980s." 

NFLPA Declares Football "Not Gay"

After fielding complaints from various NFL players, the NFLPA has declared that players "need not feel insecure about their sexuality." After reviewing an extensive amount of football situations that could be labelled as "homosexual friendly," the NFLPA found no evidence that the label should stand.
"It was important for us to protect our players," said executive director DeMaurice Smith. "And they were extremely concerned about their image. Specifically being thought of as gay."
The main issue in question was whether the players were projecting a homosexual image by slapping each other on the ass after making a good play.
"I think under normal circumstances two chiseled, testosterone-filled, 250 pound men slapping each other on the ass would be considered gay," Smith said. "But in the heat of the moment it's understandable. Say for instance, they were to high five. That would definitely be gayer."
Another issue brought up at the meeting was the quarterback-center dynamic. Specifically, the quarterback reaching in between the center's legs to receive the snap.
Said an anonymous quarterback, "I have enough things running through my mind at the line of scrimmage. I'm worrying about reading the defense, possibly calling an audible. The last thing I need to worry about is if I'm grabbing the wrong ball."
NFLPA president Kevin Mawae, a center himself said, "This was an issue that we spent quite a bit of time discussing. But quite frankly, we feel the increased use of the shotgun formation protects the quarterback and center from potentially gay situations."
The NFLPA plans to conduct studies on the possible psychological effects of players on teams who sport "significantly gay" colors. The main teams in question would be the Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay Packers.
"All in all we have nothing to worry about," Smith reiterated. "I mean, look at soccer. Now that's a gay sport. A bunch of guys running around a field and the minute another player so much as touches another player a foul is called. How straight could a sport be if a grown man isn't allowed to chase, wrap up and bring another grown man to the ground."

Cristiano Ronaldo Trips and Falls in Madrid Airport, Isn't Helped Up

Just days after returning from South Africa after a disappointing World Cup stint with Portugal, Cristiano Ronaldo tripped and fell while making his way up an escalator in Spain's Madrid-Barajas Airport. The fall reportedly came after Ronaldo tried to squeeze his way between two pedestrians to make it off the escalator quickly.
Said an anonymous onlooker, "[Ronaldo] was clearly in a hurry getting to where he needed to go. He made a quick cut in between two people, and suddenly fell to the tile floor, holding his ankle."
Added the source, "It didn't look like there was much contact, but he was yelling out in pain alright."
A good samaritan noticed the fall and attempted to help Ronaldo up. However, the man was temporarily blinded by the light that reflected off of Ronaldo's diamond earrings. In a bit of confusion, the man tripped over Ronaldo himself and rolled around the floor, clutching the side of his head.
Numerous onlookers witnessed the incident but refused to help Ronaldo up. When asked why, one man responded, "He clearly took a dive there. If we had replay available, you would have seen very minimal contact between Ronaldo and the other two. Look at him, he's holding his left ankle, and it was clearly his right ankle that would have been the one that was struck."
A young woman who was reading a newspaper while the fall occurred had this to say, " I think we're treating Ronaldo way too unfairly here without knowing all the facts. All we know is that he's on the ground. We don't know if it was a dive or not. And he's so cute, with such perfect hair and a beautiful smile. I hear he's dating Kim Kardashian."
When asked for comment, Ronaldo did not respond because he was busy fixing his already gelled hair that became temporarily out of place after the fall. After noticing the cameras gathering around him, Ronaldo got to his feet pretty easily and smiled.
When asked why Portugal had such a tough time against Spain in their round of 16 match up, Ronaldo suggested he didn't have the answer.
"You'll have to ask the coach about that. All I know is I looked good out there. My socks were pulled up at equal length, my number 7 jersey fit just right, and my hair remained intact, despite the nuisance of having to head the ball once in a while. I normally avoid that at all costs."

Friendship Goes Sour Over Fantasy Baseball Trade

Former friends Dave Jensen and Phil Hagard have chosen to break off all contact after a fantasy baseball trade gone awry. Jensen offered to trade injured 1B Kendry Morales for Braves rookie sensation Jason Heyward.
Both players had similar stats a week ago when the trade was proposed.
Morales broke his leg while celebrating a walk-off grand slam to beat the Mariners in 10 innings. Realizing Morales would likely be out for the season, Jensen proposed the trade the next day after hearing the news. Unaware of Morales's injury, Hagard accepted.
"That was a real dick move," Hagard said. "I trusted he would put our friendship above a highly competitive fantasy league with a $500 grand prize."
"All in all I'm happy with the trade," Jensen gloated. "I got the outfield depth I really needed, and Phil got a guy he can stash on the bench for a while, that hopefully will be back for the last month of the season."
Hagard first tried contacting the league manager to veto the trade, but his request was refused. He has now taken it into his own hands to try and get revenge.
"I did a few things that other league members found quite offensive," Hagard explained. "But I don't regret them one bit."
Hagard first hacked into Jensen's facebook account and changed his status to "I <3 Cock," and again to "Washing Phil's Car."
Hagard also sent a message to all of his Facebook friends, claiming that he had been having an affair with Jensen's wife for the last year and a half. On principle alone, Jensen filed for divorce from his wife of 14 years without looking into the allegations.
To add insult to injury, Hagard also keyed Jensen's car, pissed in his flower garden, and lit a bag of dog shit on Jensen's front porch.
Mutual friend Roger Bink, currently sitting atop of their fantasy league, feels the two men need to grow up.
"Realistically, they're battling for anywhere between 8th and 10th place. They've ruined their lives over this. Let's talk about me. Vlad Guerrero, Carlos Gonzalez, and Jose Bautista: all sleeper picks of mine. Quality drafts like that are what deserve to be talked about."

Little League Outfielder Confuses 'Peace Sign' For '2 Outs Sign'

Harbor Springs, MI -- Sunday night's meaningless match up between the Orioles and Giants of the Harbor Springs 10 year-old Park District League saw a defensive gaff that is sure to be talked about for years to come.
The Orioles secured a 15-14 victory after Giants RF Jason Mattington inexplicably threw the ball straight in the air and jumped around in celebration after recording only the second out of the sixth and final inning.
Giants head coach Rich Hernandez described the scene. "We were up 14-13 going into the sixth, and the first two batters reached on errors. Our pitcher Bryan came up with a big out, striking out their cleanup hitter. So we had one out, men on first and second when a fly ball was hit to Jason in right field."
"I was pretty surprised he even caught it," John Mattington, assistant coach and Jason's father, said. "He normally runs away from the ball."
While celebrating, Jason noticed the other players quizzically looking at him. The runners on first and second also came around to score. After realizing he cost his team the game, Jason fell to the grass crying, and began to roll around.
Jason eventually made it to the pitcher's mound, where he also fell to the dirt crying and rolled around. In between cries he managed to explain to his coaches what happened.
"Blake, Blake put up his two fingers, and, and, and..."
"Blake is a really good kid," coach Hernandez said. "He's our center fielder and a heck of a player. He's kind of a free spirit though. Wears a hemp necklace and all that. I guess he was just giving Jason the peace sign out there. You know like the kids say, 'Peace Out.'"
"I'm, I'm, I'm an idiot," Jason said. "I should have known, no one gives the 'two out sign' with those two fingers."
Noticeably frustrated, big-mouthed shortstop Robbie Peters had this to say about Jason, "He sucks so much. He only plays because his dad makes him anyway. That's why he's in right field, there's never any balls hit there."
Mr. Peters, the only parent who takes these games seriously was seen flinging his lawn chair and throwing a temper tantrum in the parking lot.
"It was a mistake and kids this age make mistakes," coach Hernandez said. "Thankfully there's only two games left. Pretty soon I can get back to my normal weekend routine of drinking 8 to 10 beers."
Jason, who reached base on error five times during the game, felt better after his parents took him out for ice cream.

Top NBA Free Agents To Meet, Play Magic: The Gathering

Only a month away from the beginning of the NBA free agency period, rumors have continued to surface about a possible meeting between the top free agents. LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and Joe Johnson are expected to be at the meeting. Amar'e Stoudemire and Carlos Boozer may also be joining them.
While the reasoning behind the meeting seemed to involve a discussion of each player's free agent plans, James said those rumors were false.
"We're actually getting together to play Magic," James stated. "This is something we do every year in the offseason. It just so happens we're all going to be free agents this summer. Weird, I know."
Wade, who developed a close friendship with both James and Bosh while playing for the US Olympic team, says the games get pretty intense.
"LeBron won last year, and I have to admit he cheated. Straight up. I swore he had eight cards, some extra mana to start the game. I think since he gets to take an extra step and not get called for traveling, he thinks it works the same for Magic. It doesn't."
Bosh, who may be teaming up with James in the upcoming season, had no comment on allegations of cheating.
James has been tight-lipped about possibly signing with the Chicago Bulls. Recently James has opened up about the possibility of playing in Chicago.

"It would be incredible," James said in an interview. "There's just so much history in the city of Chicago and I would be honored to be a part of it. Just thinking about returning to the site of Kai Budde's seventh Pro Tour victory is mind-boggling."
While the meeting was originally supposed to include just James, Wade, and Bosh, Hawks free agent Joe Johnson hopes to be included in this year's game.
"I have a lot to offer to the game," Johnson said. "I think they'll be impressed with my strategy that heavily relies on logical thinking."
"Joe's a few years of training away from competing with us," Bosh said. "But we'll probably invite him anyway because he has a nice limited edition deck."
"And as far as Amar'e and Carlos, we just don't like them," Bosh added. "They're not invited."
 A date for the 6th annual Magic Tournament is expected to be set within the next two weeks.

Celtics Thinking About Promoting Nate Robinson to Cheer Captain

Coming off a 113-92 loss to the Magic in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals, the Celtics are trying to find a way to shake up their roster. After going up 3-0 in the series, the Celtics are now looking at a Game 6 that could potentially tie the series. Celtics coach Doc Rivers thinks he has found the answer.
"I've been thinking, now hear me out," Rivers said after Game 5. "We move Nate [Robinson, PG] to the dance team. We need every advantage we can get in Game 6, so we really need to get the crowd into it. Nate's shown he has the ability to do that."
Celtics associate head coach Tom Thibodeau agreed. "I've been watching a lot of tape of Nate on the sideline and I love what I see. He gets excited on every play, even though he's not actually involved in the action. He jumps up and down, waves his towel, and hugs even his most temperamental teammates."
Added Thibodeau, "We're looking at a guy who cheers all out for about 45 minutes a game. Every once in a while we need to give him a rest and put him out on the court."
"I've noticed how tactful he is when talking trash to the opposing team," said Celtics PF Kevin Garnett, also known for his trash talking. "He specifically picks out the guys he knows won't be out there in the last 30 seconds of the first quarter, or in a blowout. So really, he never has to back up what he says."
Robinson, a 4 year veteran, has won three Slam Dunk Championships, despite being only 5'9. Robinson makes up for his lack of height with a 44 inch vertical leap.
Celtics Dance Team director Marina Ortega is excited about Robinson's possible addition to her staff. "He really opens up the possibilities of what we can do. I mean, with his jumping ability, he won't even need a boost if we decide to do a routine where he flys through the air."
Robinson also seemed open to the switch. "I just want to do what's best for my team. I think the Dance Team can take advantage of my wide array of basketball skills, like...well...pretty much just my jumping ability."
Game 6 between the Celtics and Magic will be played in Boston on Friday.

Magic Looking Forward to Watching the World Cup

Down 3-0 in the Eastern Conference Finals to the Boston Celtics, the Orlando Magic have begun to acknowledge that the end is near. Game 4 between Boston and Orlando will be played on Monday night.
For Magic C Dwight Howard, who has been criticized for his poor play this series, getting eliminated from the playoffs isn't all that bad.
"I had a lot of free time in between this series and our series with the Hawks, so I started getting into World Cup soccer. I'm starting to become familiar with the rosters and the groupings."
Howard added: "Did you know the US roster is going to be cut to 23 on Tuesday? It's a good thing we'll be eliminated from the playoffs by then, I want to see that."
Magic backup C Marcin Gortat, a native of Poland, is disappointed that his national team did not qualify this year. "It's disappointing. Especially considering our poor showing last World Cup. I wanted to get some revenge against those flag-waving Germans."
"But you have to realize," Gortat said. "I'm still European. Meaning, I'd much rather watch soccer than play basketball any day of the week."
Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy seemed annoyed at the possibility of having to watch the World Cup. "If I wanted to watch a bunch of guys kick a ball around, I'd watch game tape of our offense."
Never one to hold his tongue, Van Gundy added, "And **** my brother Jeff, who's not even coaching and gets to go to the Finals."
Celtics head coach Doc Rivers, also an avid soccer fan is looking for a little help from the Lakers. "It's clear we're going to sweep our series," Rivers said. "We've done our part. Now the Lakers just need to sweep their series, then one of us gets swept in the Finals, and hopefully with the way the schedule works out, we won't miss anything."
When asked about which team is more likely to get swept in the Finals, Rivers responded, "It's going to depend on who wins Game 1."
"You know Kobe grew up in Italy right," he said with a smile.
The opening round of the World Cup kicks off June 11th with a match between South Africa and Mexico.

Coach Mistook Rap Music Video for Highlight Reel

According to the Los Angeles Daily News, USC bench warmer Percy Miller aka rapper Lil' Romeo will not be returning for his junior season. Miller, best known for his beef with fellow teen rapper Lil' Bow Wow, played in only 3 games at USC, logging a total of 19 minutes.
Former USC coach Tim Floyd, who recruited Miller, has admitted he mistook Lil' Romeo's "My Cinderella" music video to be actual game highlights.
In the video, Miller displayed an uncanny knack for getting to the basket, strong ball handling skills, and a nice outside touch. He also is seen rapping to and dancing with 12 year-old girls.
"I take full responsibility," said Floyd via phone interview. "I had no idea that was only a music video. I guess I was just excited to see a kid who looked so natural with the ball in his hands. And did you see those reverse layups? Incredible athleticism from the kid."
Followers of the USC program questioned Floyd's scholarship offer from the beginning. Citing that Miller averaged only 8.6 ppg playing for Beverly Hills High School.
"You know, those numbers are a little misleading," Floyd shot back. "Here's a player who was playing against a lot of rich white kids. Anyone's numbers would go down."
Despite the critics, Miller believes he deserved the scholarship. "Every one of those moves I put on in that music video were legit. I told my boys to really guard me, and they did. We even had to cut a few times because I dribbled the ball off my foot when my boys was playing off me."
Miller's father is rap mogul Master P, who is best known for his founding of the now defunct rap label No Limit Records, and is credited with launching the careers of at least 50 mediocre rappers.
Asked to comment on his son's decision not to return, he replied, "My son Percy, bout it, bout it."
The noticeably confused, 45 year old white reporter asked the senior Miller to clarify his statements, to which he replied, "Uggghhhh uggghhhhh da na da na da na da na."

Report: Griffey Found Asleep at the Plate

After an article on May 10th surfaced accusing Mariners DH Ken Griffey Jr. of sleeping through a pinch hit appearence, another report has been released confirming that numerous times during the season, he has been asleep at the plate as well.

Griffey, who is batting .200 this year denied the report. His last start came on Monday. He went 0-3 with a walk.

Orioles SP David Hernandez noticed there was something wrong with Griffey from the get go. "I stared him down from the mound and realized his eyes were closed. I just thought he had a weird blinking pattern or something. But he never opened them, I kept throwing 90 MPH fast balls right by him."

Mariners All-Star RF Ichiro Suzuki has become frustrated by the lack of production from the middle of the M's lineup. "I'm on base all the time, literally all the time. [Suzuki has a .401 OBS this year]. And then I see [Griffey] coming up to bat, asleep. I know I'm not scoring."

According to ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, Griffey's approach at the plate is typical of a player who is asleep. "He's off balance up there he doesn't look comfortable, I've also noticed he's been taking a lot of good pitches. And he's batting .200, ok, I mean that's awful, especially for someone like Ken who was a great player 10 years ago."

Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu isn't concerned about Griffey's hitting woes. "Ken was a great player for this organization through out the 1990s. For that, he deserves our respect in the 2000s, regardless of whether he's hitting or not."

Mariners disgruntled, and possibly medicated LF Milton Bradley had this to say about Griffey, "He was a hero of mine growing up and I'd never wish for this sort of negativety to be placed on anyone. But to be honest, this is overshadowing me and all of the emotional problems I continue to exhibit through out my career. I need this, man."

Griffey has not been in the starting lineup for last three games, and Wakamatsu said he does not have a specific date set for Griffey's return to the lineup.

Rays, "Not That Impressed" With Braden's Stuff

One day after Oakland LHP Dallas Braden became just the 19th pitcher in MLB history to record a perfect game, the Rays have managed to deflect the attention away from Braden's performance.

"The bats, definitely the pink bats," Rays SS Jason Bartlett said in an interview after the game.

Asked to comment on Bartlett's assertion, Rays All-Star 3B Evan Longoria agreed. "I mean, as a kid I used to watch The Sandlot and I remember that fat kid talking about playing ball like a girl. I have to admit, I felt like a girl swinging a pink bat."

Rays slugger Carlos Pena, who only saw seven pitches in the game, said he had been against the use of pink bats from the beginning, "But I wanted to show that I support breast cancer. Well, I don't support it...but, you know what I mean."

Braden had a different theory on why he was successful. "I felt like my success was related to my location and ability to change speeds, moreso than the color of the bats."

Braden added, "Because those were regulation bats, right? I want to make sure I get credit for this game."

Rays RF Gabe Kapler recorded the final out of the game, hitting a soft ground ball to A's SS Cliff Pennington.

Being interviewed in the locker room after the game, Pennington whispered to the crowd of reporters around him, "I didn't want to say anything, but that last groundball was a lot softer than the balls normally hit to me. The only explanation I can come up with is the color of the bats."

During Monday's practice session, Braden was seen mumbling to himself and approaching anyone who would listen, asking if yesterday's game was, "Still going to count."

"I have to tip my cap to him. He pitched a great game," said Rays RHP James Shields, the opposing pitcher in Sunday's game.

"But in the grand scheme of things, it's just one game. We're putting this game behind us and getting ready for the Angels Monday."

Shields added, "Besides, I like to look at the bright side of things. We both struck out six, and [Braden] needed three more innings than me to do it."