The Dunks They Should Have Done

The 2012 Dunk Contest marks the first time in history basketball fans have agreed on something. The people have spoken and the Ciroc Sprite-sponsored event was a colossal failure. Fans have rightly complained about the unnecessary pageantry of the whole thing, dependence on props, and the general lack of creativity. Some have already dubbed it the worst Dunk Contest of all-time and would rather see the event scrapped altogether.

I like the Dunk Contest. Vince Carter in 2000 made me fall in love with the event. The same unbridled joy I experienced as a 13-year-old is what I want for this generation. Older folks remember Spud Webb, or the Jordan-Dominique duel. My generation has Vince Carter. Maybe Blake Griffin jumping over a Kia qualifies, I don't know, but I believe players can do better. I'm disappointed this year's contest turned out poorly, so naturally, I have some suggestions. The ideas from this year's participants were there. They slightly failed from an execution standpoint. A wrinkle here and a wrinkle there and we're talking about potentially the greatest Dunk Contest of all-time. These are the dunks they should have done.

CHASE BUDINGER 

Chase Budinger's first dunk featured Diddy for no reason. The White Men Can't Jump concept was brilliant, only to be brought down by Diddy's antics. I know All-Star Weekend caters (or is trying to cater) to the same demographic as the BET Awards, but Diddy's inclusions was still puzzling. Aside from payed a shitload of money to plug his new television network, his appearance, and plea for the predominately white crowd to raise a fist for Black Power, got away from the theme. Budinger should have jumped over someone else for his first dunk -- the one and only Rosie Perez.

Perez played Gloria, Woody Harrelson's girlfriend in White Men Can't Jump and is currently available for work. She's waiting around for Law and Order to call, why not make her part of the Dunk Contest? She still looks as good as she did in 1992. They could have dressed her up in an Orlando 2012 outfit or if they wanted to go the extra mile for their sponsors, splash a big Sprite logo across her breasts. VIEWERS WOULD NOTICE.

JEREMY EVANS

Evans' second dunk was the event's best. Teammate Gordon Hayward sat on a chair and threw two balls in the air. Evans leaped over Hayward, caught both balls in mid-air and slammed them home. Great dunk but it could have been better. We've all known about Evans' supernatural leaping ability all-season, despite never having seen him play. This was the time to unleash his all-word hops. Instead, we saw him jump over a seated Hayward and 4'8 comedian Kevin Hart. Evans needed to do more here, but how could he?

Evans is a guy who can jump OUT of the gym. Under no circumstances should he be constrained by a stadium's parameters. He should have taken this one outside, right around the corner to Universal Studios.

Excellent sponsorship opportunity, a space to accommodate more fans, and most importantly, an obstacle that allows Evans to showcase his true leaping ability. What's not to like? Gordon Hayward will still have a place to sit and throw the balls up since it's sooooo important that a teammate be involved for one of the dunks.

PAUL GEORGE

George was the early favorite to win the contest, and still could have, if not for a costly mistake. His tribute to Pacers' President of Basketball Operations Larry Bird was an excellent one. George stuck a sticker of Bird's face on the backboard with his left hand while following through with a right-handed dunk. He attempted this dunk third, but should have made it his second one. He needed to use the Bird sticker on his first try since he wasn't going to convert anyway. For his second try, instead of another sticker, George could have stuck a light switch on the backboard.

The light switch could have been a precursor to his glow-in-the dark dunk he then would have attempted third. George turns on the lights midway through his glow-in-the dark dunk so viewers could have actually seen it, as opposed to what we did see:

DERRICK WILLIAMS

Williams was the fourth name on a list the casual NBA fan couldn't pick out of a lineup. We all know the most popular participant has an advantage over his competitors. Blake Griffin won two years ago before the contest even started. Williams had a perfect opportunity to increase his name recognition and didn't seize it. His teammate Ricky Rubio has captured the imagination of basketball fans across the world. Williams needed to wear a Rubio mask to trick some of the voters.

Suddenly Williams is the favorite. The crowd gets behind him and we'd finally have the answer to the age-old question: What would it look like if Ricky Rubio threw a lob to a bigger Ricky Rubio? For good measure, Williams could have sported a Spanish gaucho hat and dunked while being chased by a bull -- thereby directing some of the ethnic humor away from Jeremy Lin for a while. Give the kid a rest.   

The Dunk Contest is fine. Some tinkering here and there and we're back in business. We're still going to watch next year regardless. 

A Breakdown of the Pacers Roster

Larry Bird is more excited than he's letting on.

You think it would be the opposite, but when a good team loses, the world seems to be splitting along its fault lines. Fans stick their heads in the oven and Kendall Gill suggests the Bulls "pick up another big man," as if there's a pile of them decomposing on Madison Ave. The Bulls lost at home without Luol Deng and Taj Gibson to a much-improved Indian Pacers team. No Taj Gibson means Brian Scalabrine, originally substituted for defensive purposes, ends up missing the potential game-winning shot. There are no mysteries surrounding the injury-free Bulls. They'll be back to the ECF against Miami, everything until then falls under "team building" or "ego stroking." The injuries are the only IF. We know how good the Bulls are when healthy. For that reason, the Pacers are much more interesting. How good are they really?* Below is my -- as always -- very serious opinion of each player on their roster.

* - Pretty damn good.




DAVID WEST - If you kept a close eye on West during yesterday's game you saw a player who was thoroughly enjoying himself. His overall demeanor -- big whooping laughs, reckless flailing of the arms, and childlike enthusiasm, gave the impression he was the Pacer most looking forward to avenging last year's playoff loss. Except West was not a member of last year's playoff team, yet still seemed to have a personal vendetta. West relishes contact. He's the increasingly rare player who doesn't mind fighting for a board and then puffing his chest out when he's accidentally smacked in the mouth. His toughness is a welcome addition to a team that was already pretty tough. I get the impression he tattooed the 'X' on his left arm himself.

DANNY GRANGER - So much of what the Pacers have been building the last three years is dependent upon Granger playing like a superstar. He'll churn in the occasional performance, like last night, where his stat line looks nice because he converts some easy baskets around the rim and hits three of his four three-point attempts. Then you see he missed three of his four 17-19 footers and got lit up by Ronnie Brewer on the other end and you just have to tip your cap on this particular day. The chaos he created ultimately worked to his benefit. Frustrating as it is, Granger will follow this game up with a 5-18 and five more turnovers. The Pacers always rebound and play solid defense, but they live and die with Granger's outside shot falling and that is not a particularly good spot to be in.

ROY HIBBERT - Hibbert broke his nose on Sunday and now wears the same style mask popularized by Rip Hamilton. There is no player in the NBA who looks better in a face mask. Hibbert always struck me as the horror movie villain. He's enormous, lumbers down the court in no particular hurry, and seems to be confused about everything except shanking the guy face guarding Granger. He probably owns a shed with a lawnmower and a chainsaw and a closet full of flannel sweaters. Hibbert looked confident in the post yesterday and his confidence on the basketball court is the most terrifying thing of all. His improvement spells disaster in the form of the frontcourt slasher film he released last night.

DARREN COLLISON - The Pacers are on the verge of contending in the East. They're good enough defensively to put a scare into someone in the second round. All teams on the verge are a piece or two away from being perennial conference favorites. Collison is the guy everyone thinks needs to be replaced. He's lighting quick but plays out of control. He can get to the basket, but doesn't have the strength or size to finish consistently around the rim. He's just there. A good player but not good enough for a team with title aspirations. His presence is a sobering reminder that in all walks of life, despite doing your job competently and occasionally brilliantly, you can always be replaced.

PAUL GEORGE - George is the Wild Card. He already is an excellent defender who, at 6'9 can guard positions 1-3. How his offense comes along will be the biggest question. Should George live up to his promise of being a 20 ppg scorer, Danny Granger all of a sudden becomes expendable. Danny Granger becoming expendable, I would argue, is a good thing. At the same time, if George stays an elite defender and never polishes his offensive game, the Pacers still got a steal with last year's 10th overall pick. Every year, a guy drafted in the 8-10 spot ends up becoming an impact player that a team drafting earlier foolishly passed up. George is that 2010 guy. In hindsight, you think Minnesota might have preferred him over Wes Johnson?

DAHNTAY JONES - Jones is the designated guy who is always overly excited on the bench. Good play by a teammate, better play by an opponent, it doesn't matter. Jones is happy to be courtside and he's happy to let his voice be heard, and he's happy to piss off the people who paid for front row seats because he's waving a towel in the their face all game. Every good team needs a guy like Dahntay Jones for no other reason than he gets under the opponent's skin. When Jones enters the game, the adrenaline rush could prompt him to lift a vehicle or rescue a child from a burning building. He'll probably turn the ball over trying to do too much instead.

LOUIS AMUNDSON - Enough with the ponytail. A ponytail has no place on a the basketball court (cue WNBA joke). At least Noah rectified his situation by opting for the bun. The bun looks even more ridiculous but at least curbs the problem of hair flying in everybody's face when jumping for a rebound. Here's my suggestion: like the NFL, ponytails in the NBA should be free game. If it's there, you can pull it without being assessed a foul. Amundson would think twice about trotting that stupid-ass look out onto the court if this was the case.

GEORGE HILL - Hill spearheaded the "Collison Is The Weak Link" Movement. Someone should have told him Collison's replacement is going to start in front of him too.

TYLER HANSBROUGH - I like Hansbrough. I know, as a Bulls fan, I'm supposed to feel the opposite. Nope. If you thought West relished contact, then Hansbrough worships it. Hansbrough brings a fullback mentality to the game of basketball, which is why he's so loathed. Fans appreciate style and finesse and Hansbrough possesses neither of those things. He's probably taken Adderall since age seven, which has permanently fixed his face into a stupid scowl, but also contributed to his laser-like focus. I'd love to go to war with this guy. I just wouldn't want to ride in the passenger seat of his Hyundai Elantra because he'd clearly have no problem driving over the median.

LANCE STEPHENSON - Regardless of records, it looks like the Chicago-New York rivalry is never going away. Bulls fans, I know, are enjoying the collapse of the Knicks. I'd prefer the Knicks be good because I'd prefer the games mean something. Anyway, Stephenson is the latest New Yorker supposed to be the "Next Big Thing" who, like the Knicks, has repeatedly face planted. So if you take joy in the continued failures of New York, look no further than Lance Stephenson.

A.J. PRICE & JEFF PENDERGRAPH - Oh Hey! Of course I recognize you guys. High school, right? Junior-year Spanish? No? Oh RIGHT! That time at the mall eating Sbarro. No? Listen guys, I've gotta run. It was nice catching up with you.

JEFF FOSTER - Fuck Jeff Foster.