Palate Cleanser

I've watched this Hail Mary exactly one hundred times since it happened two weeks ago. I told myself I would stop at one hundred, as the cleansing should be sufficient by then. Watch any video -- spectacular, brutal, harrowing, inspirational -- enough times and it will become ordinary. Desensitization is the name of the game. This Michigan State Hail Mary, as improbable and synchronically beautiful as it once seemed, is just another game-winner to me now, no different than a first down completion or kneel down in the victory formation. But enough about the Michigan State game. This post is about the Ohio State game and the moment of redemption that was set up perfectly for Wisconsin, and never happened.

Unconsciously and sometimes consciously we try to make sense of things through comparison. Much of today's sports writing is is predicated on comparing last night's game to The Wire or The Shawshank Redemption. Or trying to find a historical comparison for a certain player, or a game in a similar ilk to the one that just occurred. This type of thinking can be lazy, and prevent us from forming any kind of original thought. But comparisons can also help in providing a larger context for sports and a more developed paradigm from which to work. I guess it all depends on perspective.

Comparisons are especially useful to shape a narrative. Take the last two Wisconsin games. Wisconsin lost on a last second Hail Mary and now found themselves on the other end of it against Ohio State. After letting their three-point lead slip away, Wisconsin received the ball on the 40-yard line, down four points with 18 seconds left. Looking to get the Badgers within a more manageable Hail Mary distance, Russell Wilson's first throw was an incompletion to Nick Toon. The second, again to Toon, bounced off his hands. But wait...a penalty! And not just any penalty, but a 15-yard personal foul on Ohio State safety Christian Bryant for grabbing the face mask. The clock had ran out, so Wisconsin had one play left from Ohio State's 45-yard line, the manageable Hail Mary distance they were looking for.

This was now venturing far beyond the realm of half-baked comparison. Michigan State's Hail Mary came from Wisconsin's 43-yard line. Cousins released the ball at his own 45. Russell released the ball at his own 44. Both quarterbacks faced a three-man rush and rolled out to their right. The only difference: where Wisconsin dropped back eight, Ohio State linebacker Andrew Sweat lingered around midfield until the pocket collapsed. He sensed his opportunity, blew past the Kevin Zeitler practically untouched and got just enough of Wilson's arm to prevent a throw of any consequence (4:22 in the video below).




What I sensed, even in real time, was a perfect narrative, a Hail Mary destined to redeem the Badgers from last week's gaff/bad luck. Except Andrew Sweat showed up to the table with a compass handy and attempted to draw perfect circles by hand. They of course came out misshapen and ugly. Fuck you Andrew Sweat for having the gall to change the course of something much bigger than you.

With two straight losses comes crazy consequences, like looking up a little bit higher at Penn State in the standings. The same Penn State that needed almost forty minutes to push across a field goal against Illinois, and for Illinois to miss a 42-yard field goal as time expired to come away with a 10-7 win at home. The same Penn State whose coach, 84-year-old Joe Paterno, sits up in the booth and does God knows what. Does he call plays, watch film, or do anything 21st century coaches do? I don't know. His recruiting pitch has been reduced to, "Come to Penn Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaate," as he clutches his coat pockets, bravely withstanding the ever-present chills of 80 degree weather. "It's either here or the Temple Owls," his recruits respond. "Sure. I'll come to Penn State coach." JoePa recently accepted a nice plaque to commemorate his Division I leading 409th win, to which he thanked the room for the thoughtful birthday gift. They didn't have to get him anything.

Penn State controls their destiny in the Big Ten, but the real test starts now. They have a bye next week, and follow that up with a home tilt with Nebraska, and back-to-back away games at Ohio State and Wisconsin. Wisconsin needs them to lose at least one of those games before their match-up to close out the Big Ten season. Should this happen, and as long as the losing stops, Wisconsin can still miraculously end up in the Big Ten title game. Two weeks ago it was the National Championship, this week it's, "Gee willikers, I hope the Nittany Lions slip up so we at least have a shot at playing for the BIG TEN title." How the mighty have fallen. Apologies to Purdue and Minnesota for what's going to happen in the next two weeks.

November 5th marks the start of a cleansing period for the Badgers. They've experienced the turbulence and can see clear skies ahead (fingers crossed). There's now officially no room for error, but don't worry, Bret Bielema gets off to that sort of thing. I expect a much more focused football team. Or a team that appears more focused but is really just beating up on shitty competition. I'm fine with either.

Eternal Heartbreak

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File this one away with the pictures of your ex-girlfriends. Call on this image when you're trying to remember why you ate a whole box of Oreos, big bag of Doritos, and carton of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream all on consecutive days. You've gained 15 pounds and no one will ever love you. You're a fat slob and you like it that way because now you know who your real friends are. Want to scare the little trick-or-treaters this Halloween in your quaint Wisconsin suburb? Go to Kinkos, blow up this image and tape it to the door. Underneath it, tape a handwritten note saying, "This is what you have to look forward to, future Madison students. Eternal heartbreak. Signed, Satan."

Enlarge this image, press you eye to the computer screen and try to focus on the football. If you're 50 or older you don't see a football game, more like a really difficult Rubik's cube. If you're between the ages of 26 and 49, you can make out some green, lots of green, and some red, and some white. If you're 25 or under and have 20/10  vision or better, you can probably spot a tiny brown turd that barely crosses the goal line. At some point, every sport has been dubbed "a game of inches." Sometimes this cliche is the only way to make sense of what happened. Like today, where an inch or less just cost Wisconsin a long-shot chance at a National Championship.

I wrote a few days ago that I didn't believe Wisconsin would play for a National Championship -- too many factors beyond they're control, and they wouldn't go undefeated. My reasoning for both opinions went: they're Wisconsin, good things aren't allowed to happen to them. If things worked out how they were supposed to, the winner of LSU-Alabama would play the winner of Oklahoma-Oklahoma State for the National Title and an undefeated Wisconsin team goes to the Rose Bowl. As it stands now, Wisconsin can power sweep right through their five remaining games and find themselves in the B1G Championship game with a Rose Bowl birth at stake. A hypothetical one-loss Wisconsin team in the Rose Bowl would be easier to stomach than an undefeated Wisconsin team screwed out of a shot at the big game. I'll refrain from saying the Michigan State loss was beneficial, but it did push the Badgers down an inevitable path.

The last three weeks or so, I've taken great pains to watch the Top-5 teams and root against them. I'm not this kind of fan. I find it much more satisfactory to root for teams rather than against them. This is fun for about a quarter before the Top-5s start to pull away. They will never lose. Wisconsin will never catch a break. Wisconsin loses to Michigan State and I turn to the Oklahoma-Texas Tech game. Texas Tech is up 31-7 early in the second half. Oklahoma has won 39 straight games at home, they'll find a way to come back. Like clockwork, Oklahoma rips off 17 straight points to put themselves within seven. But Tech somehow holds strong, and scores 10 points on their next two possessions. Three minutes and one touchdown later, Oklahoma has a chance to cut the lead to one score. Their kicker booms a 28-yard field go off the upright, killing their chance of a comeback. He missed by inches.

I know what I just witnessed. One of the key dominoes just fell. Oklahoma lost. Now if they can defeat Oklahoma State on December 3rd, the door is wide open for Wisconsin to sneak into the National Title game against the SEC champ. Then I remember Wisconsin lost an hour ago. I polish off the rest of the Oreos.

Just The Thought Of It

"What should I write about?"

"You should write about why you've been so mean to me lately," she said.

It's true. I have been mean to my girlfriend lately. Just yesterday, I snapped at her for some unknown reason. I was sitting at the computer, searching for a song on 97.1 The Drive's website. I was scrolling through their playlist, trying to find the song that had been playing on the radio ten minutes ago during our drive home. I skipped from song to song and was having terrible luck. Suddenly, I turned around and there she was -- standing over me, looking down. My girlfriend appeared to -- No -- she wanted to hurt me. But why?

"What the hell are you doing?" I snapped.

Blank stare. Thought bubble: I happen to be standing behind you at the moment. Is there a problem? Would you like me to step six inches to the left or right. Would that make you feel more comfortable?


"Why are you looking right over me like that?"

As is the custom when I'm acting stupid, she simply turned around and left the room. I sat there wondering  why her standing behind me triggered such an emotional response. My heart was beating fast, and the edge of my forehead began to sweat a little. Some time later I apologized for being an idiot and asked her what I should write about. I ask this from time to time in order to stave off the ideas, or more aptly put, the half-formed ideas swirling around my head. Rather than try to grab one and run with it, I find it easier to have someone else narrow my search, and provide direction. Kind of the columnist's equivalent of writing a column in response to someone else's column.

"You should write about why you've been so mean to me lately," she said.

And that's how we got here.

Naturally, I've been thinking about college football a lot, more specifically, the log jam of undefeated teams atop the rankings and their National Title implications. Here they are: Kansas State and Houston (LOL), Stanford and Clemson (bless them, but they are going to need many, many things beyond their control to break in their favor), and LSU, Alabama, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Boise State, and Wisconsin. The last six teams are who I'm most concerned with.

Two weeks from Saturday, LSU and Alabama will battle for the privilege of representing the greatest thing to happen to college football since college football itself. A month later, Oklahoma will visit Oklahoma State and engage in what will be the last time the state of Oklahoma will exist until next September. Boise and Wisconsin will continue to hack away at their Grade D meat schedules. There's really only three ways this can end:

1) Winner of LSU-Alabama meets winner of Oklahoma-Oklahoma State in the National Championship. If you have no rooting interest in any of the above teams, this is what you want.
2) Three of the above teams end up losing a game, Wisconsin goes undefeated, cuts in front of undefeated Boise in the National Title line, and everyone tries to figure out what just happened. It'll be a cold day...
3) All four teams lose, Wisconsin and Boise run the table and meet in the lowest rated BCS Championship game ever. We're going streaking.

I've resigned myself to the fact the first scenario is going to happen. So the question, for me, becomes: Does Wisconsin lose a game at some point and eliminate themselves from contention, or is there one of those strange situations we've seen twice in the last ten years, where three automatic qualifiers go undefeated and the computers determine which two are most deserving? The latter would suit Boise. They've went undefeated four times this decade and passed over in favor of automatic qualifiers. The difference is the last two years, they've been ranked highly in the preseason poll, giving them more clout within the BCS formula. Still, it's going to happen again. Boise will go undefeated and finish the year 3rd or 4th in the BCS.

But what about Wisconsin? My team. I refuse to believe the BCS Gods? would be so cruel as to let them go undefeated and still finish 3rd. They don't deserve that. Wisconsin is doing what they always do: scheduling a Charmin-soft non-conference schedule and taking advantage of a down B1G. This year they just happened to fall into a really good quarterback. So my karmic-influenced logic goes: If undefeated, Wisconsin will be in the BCS Title game. The BCS Title game will not feature Wisconsin. Therefore, Wisconsin will not go undefeated. I realize this is not a valid argument, but it's been five years since I took that one Logic class, and I think you get my point.    

* * * 

I've been having a reoccurring nightmare. I'm living out of a tent in Fresno, California. My possessions consist of a scratched-up lighter with no lighter fluid, a red (possibly Fresno State) XXL sweater, and a deflated "Happy Birthday" balloon. I keep to myself mostly, afraid of the crack, the crackheads, and people in general. I try to fall asleep but never can, the people can be quite loud when they want to be, which is always. I'm lying on my stomach trying to fall asleep, when I here a knock on the tent. This is a dream, so the knock on the tent sounds like a knock on the door. 

"Go away," I yell. "There's nothing for you here."

My response elicits even more powerful knocks. I turn around to yell again and I see this man, overlooking me.

I jump back, but I'm trapped in a tent. He says nothing and sticks out his giant right arm in my direction. He seems to be suggesting I should grab his hand and follow him, so I do. We exit the tent into a colorful land of rainbows and waterfalls. This man is now stark naked, wearing only his helmet. A large emperor's chair appears and he sits down. A 32' non-HD TV appears along with a VHS player. The man stands back up, pops in a video, picks me up and places me gently on his lap. The video begins and the man explains to me that this naughty little girl has ran away from home and is seeking refuge, but mostly a warm bubble bath.  Luckily, the butcher, who lives alone and sports a handle-bar mustache has offered to help. He runs the bath water.

The man continues to pet my head and fast-forwards to last year's Wisconsin-Michigan State game. There's Keshawn Martin returning a punt 74 yards for a touchdown. There's John Clay, stoned at the line of scrimmage, and Scott Tolzien throwing another incompletion. There's Kirk Cousins completing the 4th and 1 TD pass to BJ Cunningham to ice the game. I look down dejected as this man continues to pet my head. Things become a bit hazy after this. Then I wake up.

"You should write about why you've been so mean to me lately," she said.

Well, there's the answer. The unsuspected sight of my towering girlfriend transported me back to my nightmare encounter with Sparty. The Michigan State game is this weekend and the circumstances are similar to last year's. Wisconsin taking advantage of a mediocre schedule, Michigan State at home coming off an emotional win. If Wisconsin is destined to lose a game this year, this will be the game. Just the thought of it makes me uncomfortable, and apologetic for my mood swings.   

Next Thanksgiving, Big Ten Fans Will Be More Thankful

For those of us who have recovered from yesterday's Thanksgiving day feast, Friday's college football slate feels a lot like the dessert. Three games, (2) Aurburn- (11) Alabama, (21)Arizona- (1)Oregon, and (4)Boise State- (19) Nevada have all the makings of a drama-filled weekend prior to Conference Championship Week. National Championship implications, rivalries, and potential upsets are as essential as turkey, gravy, and mashed potatoes were yesterday.
That's great for the SEC (Conference Championship next week) and Pac 10 (who doesn't have a 3-team tie atop the conference), but Big Ten fans are once again, both literally and figuratively, left out in the cold. The lack of a Championship Game is nothing new in the Big Ten, but seems particularly important at the moment.
Consider tomorrow's marquee Big Ten games: Michigan - (8) Ohio State, (10) Michigan State - Penn State, Northwestern - (7) Wisconsin. Wisconsin lost to Michigan State and beat Ohio State, and Ohio State beat Michigan State. All three teams are currently 10-1, 6-1 within the division. Since neither team defeated the other two, the BCS ranking will be used to determine the Big Ten Champion (assuming each teams wins tomorrow).
The BCS, the vindictive system that it is, has screwed all of our teams over at one point. That's why we don't like it. Yet, Big Ten fans will likely be at its mercy this weekend.
As a Wisconsin fan, not only do I have to root for my own team, but either an Ohio State victory, or Michigan State defeat. If Ohio State loses, Wisconsin loses, even if they win. Make sense? Of course it doesn't, it's the BCS all over again. Michigan State owns the tie-breaker with Wisconsin, some if it comes down to a draw between them, Michigan State goes to the Rose Bowl.
Realistically, Wisconsin, Ohio State, and Michigan State should win tomorrow. If they do, Wisconsin will win the Big Ten. So what am I complaining about? The lack of competition. Allowing computers to decide which team is best. Not giving the two best teams in conference a chance to battle it out. I don't like doing things in a round-about way. If a championship is to be crowned, the champion should be decided by a game between the first and second best team.
Here's what I'm thankful for this holiday season: there will be a Big Ten Championship game -- next year. With the inclusion of Nebraska into the Big Ten and subsequent realignment into two six-team divisions, a Big Ten football champion will be crowned the right way next year.
Some people don't like like it. They want rivalries preserved. They want Big Ten schools to be more centrally located on the map.
Minnesota and Wisconsin have been playing each other for 120 years, and their recent rivalry with Iowa has developed into one of the more competitive ones in the Big Ten.
Paul Bunyan's Axe and the Heartland Trophy are filled with tradition but they're not the most important prize. That distinction belongs to the National Championship trophy. As a Wisconsin fan, I'm more concerned with having a fair shot at the National Championship than defeating Minnesota 41-23 in the sixth game of the season.
Today, I give thanks for the BCS system that happens to favor my team right now. Next year, the eleven other Big Ten teams can be thankful too.