Musburger and Bilas: Sleepin' and Slurrin'

BRENT MUSBURGER and JAY BILAS are set to broadcast a battle between Top-10 schools, No. 7 Wisconsin at No. 5 North Carolina. MUSBURGER gears up by watching his favorite reruns of Wheel of Fortune. 'That Sajak is an absolute pro,' he mutters. 'The last of a dying breed.' BILAS slips some codeine in his cup of coffee to prepare for the abhorrently slow pace. He disgusts MUSBURGER by solving the puzzles with very few letters on the board. 


MUSBURGER: Here we go folks. Chapel Hill. North Carolina set to take on Wisconsin. ACC/Big Ten Challenge. The tradition, Jay. The atmosphere, the titles, Dean Smith, Roy Williams, dashing powder blue ties --it's gets no better than this!


BILAS: Look for Carolina to try and lower the bang early, Brent. They're the more talented of the two teams. They're longer, faster, and they have 22 thousand of the most brutish, singular-minded people on Earth screaming their heads off.

MUSBURGER: Here we go. Carolina wins the tip. Strickland knocks down the jumper. Whoa, BABY! They're on FIRE!

BILAS: Key question here coming up: Where will Wisconsin find their offense? Jon Leuer used to be that guy, but he's gone now. Much of the onus will fall on Jordan Taylor this year. Uhh, Brent?

[MUSBURGER dozes off watching Wisconsin swing the ball at the top of the key]


MUSBURGER: UH, oh yes. Bruesewitz with the THREE! Missed it. Thank God. Carolina has the ball back.

* * *

MUSBURGER: Carolina up 12-5 after the timeout. They're really starting to pound the ball inside.

BILAS: Wisconsin just can't contend with Carolina's size. Coach K used to say, 'Bilas, I can teach you to shuffle your feet. I can teach you how to get into a good rebounding position, but I cannot teach you size. I said, 'What can I do, Coach?' He says, 'We'll take a trip to the Medieval Torture Museum.' He wasn't kidding.

MUSBURGER: [Laughing heartily] Coach K, ladies and gentlemen. The Hall of Famer!

* * *

MUSBURGER: Wisconsin within two after the under-4 timeout. How have they done it, Jay?

BILAS: They really have Carolina playing their game. Carolina wants to get out and run with the mercurial Kendall Marshall but Wisconsin hasn't allowed them to. Wisconsin is dropping guys back and conceding offensive rebound opportunities. They're forcing Carolina into a half-court game and Carolina is obliging. They're jacking up outside shots and that is NOT their strength. 

MUSBURGER: What must Carolina do to get out of their funk?

BILAS: Well, I'm not so sure it's a funk, Brent. At some point we have to acknowledge Wisconsin's ability to win this game against a superior opponent.

MUSBURGER: We do?

BILAS: Play along, Brent.

* * *

MUSBURGER: 25-24 North Carolina with the lead to start the second half. How would you describe the pace of the first half, Jay?

BILAS: This was a Screw Tape come to life on basketball court, Brent. Imagine yourself in a dingy H-Town basement. Smoke swirling everywhere, drank in your cup, and a gaggle of fine tricks gathered around. Try to envision 2Pac lyrics to 'Keep Ya Head Up' blended with Nate Dogg's chorus from 'I Don't Wanna Hurt No More,' all over an obscure souped-up 5th Ward Boyz instrumental. The world will slow down for you. Trivialities pass. Enemies become friends.

MUSBURGER: I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm sure the younger members of our audiences do! Who was that you said?

BILAS: DJ Screw. Rest in Peace. I'll play some for you in the trailer.

MUSBURGER: I'm more of a Frankie Ford fan myself.

BILAS: Stay in your lane, Musburger. I can respect that.

     * * *

MUSBURGER: Miraculously, improbably, amazingly, STAGGERINGLY, Wisconsin is up five here at the under-12 timeout. Jay, what in the world is going on?

BILAS: I'm telling you, Brent, someone must have forgotten to tell Bo Ryan and his team how good North Carolina is supposed to be. Ryan Evans wouldn't look out of place as an extra in Wild Style and he's giving the pre-season All-American Harrison Barnes fits on defense. And I can't say enough about this kid Jared Berggren. How many 6'11 guys do you know who can give a pump fake at the top of the key and blow past his defender like Berggren has done tonight? 

MUSBURGER: There's not many, that's for sure.

BILAS: And you have to respect Berggren's shot, that's what makes him so deadly. North Carolina needs and answer, AND FAST. 

MUSBURGER: You know who would have loved this Wisconsin team, Jay? A man by the name of Adolph Rupp at the University of KENTUCKY.

BILAS: No doubt about it.

MUSBURGER: You look at a team like Wisconsin and the first thing you notice is they have a great color about them. Never flushed, always in control. Above all else, they're fundamental. They're not going to turn the ball over. And they do it, Jay....you look at them and they shouldn't even hold a candle to Carolina.

BILAS: No Brent, they really shouldn't. You almost have to wonder what Bo Ryan puts in the drinking water up in there in Madison.

[BILAS and MUSBURGER share a laugh].

MUSBURGER: Back to Adolph Rupp for a second. Now that was a man who recruited a specific type of player. They didn't have to be the flashiest or most athletic. They needed to get the job done and look responsible while doing it. Clean haircuts. Shorts at the right length.

BILAS: Rupp wasn't going to change his system for any one player. You see the same thing with Bo. He recruits players to FIT HIS SYSTEM. Not the other way around.

MUSBURGER: These guys on Wisconsin may be unheralded but they're not backing down. You can tell they're comfortable in their own skin. No tattoos, no baggy hip-hop shorts. They just play the game the right way. AGAINST ALL ODDS. Bo coaches 'em up, but they're going for it. They don't need the extra motivation.

BILAS: That reminds me of a fun Jimmy V story, Brent.

MUSBURGER: OH GOODIE.

BILAS: Jimmy used to get after the late great Lorenzo Charles. He wanted him to be more aggressive on the offensive glass. He'd tell him, 'Go up for that board like it's a hubcap!'

[MUSBURGER bursts out laughing]

MUSBURGER: That's Jimmy V for ya! Breathtakingly funny and an absolute class act!

[A timeout is called on the floor. The show's producer taps into their headsets]


PRODUCER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. What the fuck was THAT!!


MUSBURGER and BILAS: What?


PRODUCER: Like a hubcap? Like a FUCKIN' HUBCAP?


BILAS: Oh shit.


MUSBURGER: I'm failing to see the problem.


BILAS: All my fault. It was the codei--the uh, Code Red. Mountain. Dew. Code. Red.


PRODUCER: When we get back on the air, you need to apologize.

MUSBURGER: How do we know Lorenzo didn't steal hubcaps? We have a responsibility as journalists to investigate the matter further before we issue an apology.

PRODUCER: Do it you fucking MORON. AND JUST RETIRE ALREADY.


[MUSBURGER and BILAS are back on the air]


MUSBURGER: Hey folks, it's come to my attention that we made some rather insensitive comments in our broadcast a few moments ago. We seemed to insinuate that the late great Lorenzo Charles was involved with petty theft in his youth. We didn't mean to suggest blacks are more likely to commit these crimes. Hubcaps are just as often stolen by Mexicans and Filipinos, I'm sure.

[PRODUCER stabs himself in the jugular with his pen. His last words: 'Et tu, Bilas? I expected better of you'].  

* * *

MUSBURGER: North Carolina has taken control of this game behind the sweet shooting of Harrison Barnes.

BILAS: Big-time players make big-time plays. Barnes suffered an ankle injury in the loss to UNLV. Roy Williams wasn't even sure if Barnes would play tonight.

MUSBURGER: You know Mr. Barnes wasn't about to miss this one!

BILAS: Well, he appeared a bit hesitant in the early going, but he's been instrumental in Carolina's comeback. We have to credit North Carolina's defense. They've held Wisconsin scoreless for the last five minutes.

MUSBURGER: The dangers of passing the ball at the top of the key for 30 seconds.

BILAS: Absolutely. The Badgers have no low-post presence. John Henson has staked his claim down low. Valiant effort, but it looks just about over for Wisconsin.

[Jared Berggren hits a three to cut the North Carolina lead back to five. Both teams trade points before a Jordan Taylor three cuts the lead to four with 26 seconds left]

MUSBURGER: They just won't give up! What a scrappy bunch!

BILAS: They have talent, Brent. Deceptive, snail-paced talent.

[North Carolina has put the game away. Kendall Marshall sinks his first free throw to put North Carolina ahead 60-54. Marshall misses his second and Ben Brust grabs the rebound]. 

MUSBURGER: Brust with the half-court heave.....IT'S GOOD!! IT'S GOOD! THEY'VE DONE IT. WISCONSIN HAS PULLED OFF THE UNTHINKABLE. THEY'VE BEATEN CAROLINA IN CHAPEL HILL!!

BILAS: They actually just lost the game, Brent. They were down by six at the time of the shot.

MUSBURGER: Indeed they were. North Carolina 60 and Wisconsin 57. That's all from us, folks. Enjoy the Big East season.

We Will Be Back, We Have To Be

"Let's Go Red. Let's Go Red. Let's Go Red."

The whispered chants of the Badger faithful scattered faintly across New Orleans Arena. Down 20 with just over 10 minutes left, Wisconsin had scored just three points in the second half. I felt sorry for those chanting. Were they looking for something to do? Did they feel obligated to cheer, knowing they had spent all of their parent's Spring Break money on a trip to Louisiana? Or did they actually believe the Badgers would come back and win?

Fandom is funny like that. Rooting for the same team, through thick and thin, by nature is extremely irrational. We wouldn't continue to support an artist who has consistently put out shitty albums the past decade. We wouldn't clamor to see a director's next movie if his first one was a dud. Hell, we might even divorce our spouse or disown our child if having them around continued to depress us year after year.

Any rational, die-hard Badger fan, not content with mediocrity has surely been tested the last decade. On one hand, it's easy to be pleased with Wisconsin's new found success. The Badgers have notched ten straight NCAA tournament appearances, four Sweet 16s, one Elite 8, and advanced to the round of 32 nine of ten times since Bo Ryan took over. Ryan's predecessors, on average, took Wisconsin to the tournament about once every ten years. Progress, yes. But progression is a relative term. Wisconsin basketball is in fact progressing, but doing so at a snail's pace.

Speaking of snail's pace, Wisconsin's offense has been known to stall to almost unbearable levels. Their historic 33-point effort, historic for all the wrong reasons, against Penn State in the second round of this year's Big Ten tournament provided a collective chuckle for college basketball fans across the nation. That game also showcased how dependent the Badgers are on their outside shooting. They have a very difficult time winning, particularly when they're not hitting threes.

First-team All-Big Ten center Jon Leuer is the Badgers' only consistent low-post threat. He posted up early in both the first and second half but couldn't get anything going. He seemed to abandon the block all together after missing some shots he would normally make. Leuer finished the game 1-12, hitting a lone three-pointer at the 16:32 mark in the first half. Those would be his only three points in the game. Wisconsin can't win with only three points from Jon Leuer.

It's easy to single out Leuer, Wisconsin's leading scorer during the regular season, but the entire team struggled offensively. Beginning in the end of the first and half and extending into the second half, the Badgers had a 9-minute stretch where they didn't score a single point. Think about that. Nine minutes! Leuer missed three shots during that stretch, and his teammates missed ten.

Then the chants came. The Badgers had scored three points in the last 12 minutes. It's hard to say how much a crowd inspires a team. I'm sure those cheering would like to think they could make a difference. Otherwise, what's the point? Whatever their thought process was, a small Wisconsin contingent, existing within a Butler scattering and the abandoned seats of Florida and BYU fans may have inspired a run.

Jordan Taylor promptly dropped five points, cutting the seemingly insurmountable lead to fifteen. The Badgers would dwindle the lead to four after a Taylor three-pointer with 37 seconds remaining. That is as close as they would come. Wisconsin scored 30 points in the second half, 14 of them came in the final 3:23. The Badgers didn't deserve to win. They are the better team, but weren't on Thursday.    

Their nine-minute scoreless stretch is probably the most memorable portion of the game, that is, if you're a bitter individual. The more optimistic fans will look towards the final three minutes and point towards the resilience of this Wisconsin team. The proper recollection, I would say, is somewhere in between.

I honestly didn't believe this team would beat Belmont. Now I feel like they should be in the Final Four. Irrational thought processes at their finest. Such is the life of a fan rooting for a team drenched in mediocrity. Woulda, coulda, shoulda....But I, those watching on TV, and the brave, hopeful throng in attendance on Thursday will keep coming back. We have to, there's no other way.

LET'S GO RED. LET'S GO RED. LET'S GO RED.